AITA for arguing with my brother after he “stole” my favourite name?

A Redditor shared a difficult situation involving her younger brother, who recently came out as a trans man and has chosen a new name that she has cherished for years for a future son.

While she’s thrilled to support him, she felt hurt when he picked “Evan” (a name she’s always dreamed of using) without considering her attachment to it. Her family thinks she’s being unreasonable, but she can’t help but feel disappointed. Read her story below to see both sides of this emotional conflict.

‘ AITA for arguing with my brother after he “stole” my favourite name?’

I (27F) am the oldest sister of four children. I have three younger siblings, aged 24, 23, and 21. My youngest sibling recently came out as a trans man and everyone in our family is being super supportive, which is great. I have loved being able to support my brother through the earliest stages of his transition process.

The problem is with the name he has chosen for himself. I am someone who is very focused on my career but I have always known that I do want children eventually, and there is one name in particular I’ve had picked out for my future son since I was 14.

I don’t want to say the actual name because it’s not too common, but let’s pretend it’s “Evan”. It’s common knowledge in my family that I have always loved the name Evan. I have made it clear over the years that I intend to name my son that.

A few weeks ago, my brother sat the family down and told us that he is ready to change his name to a name that really fits him. He then told us that he is changing his name to Evan. I thought he was joking at first but once everyone started hugging him, I realised that he was serious. Without really thinking, I said, “But that’s my name.”

He just shrugged it off and was like, “Well, it’s my name now.” I tried not to get too upset about it because it felt very petty and I wanted to be supportive. But then everyone in my family started calling him Evan and I could feel myself being less and less okay with it.

I tried to confide in my mum but she told me that I was being ridiculous, trying to claim ownership over a name. Eventually, my brother asked why I wasn’t calling him by his name and I asked him why he had to choose the one name that I’ve always wanted for my son.

He told me that I was being unfair, trying to gatekeep a name for a baby that might never arrive. He said that I was “further away from having a baby than ever”, which was hurtful because I recently broke up with my long-term boyfriend and moved back in with our parents.

But from his perspective, “Evan” feels like a good fit and he is already here (unlike my future son), so he should take priority. I do see where he is coming from and I do want to support him, but it hurt me that he and my mum were so willing to dismiss my feelings over it.

It might not be a big thing to them but I’ve had this name picked for ages, to the point where my family have jokingly referred to my future son by name sometimes. I told my brother that he was being s**fish and an AH. I know this is very petty but AITA here?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

MazikeenBronze −  YTA. It’s understandable that you felt surprised and hurt, but prioritizing a hypothetical person over a real one is an AH move.
Your brother being named Evan doesn’t actually mean you can’t name your son Evan if you have a son. Lots of families have multiple people with the same name, and they figure it out.

ThrowRA-Illuminate27 −  NTA – honestly if it’s a rather uncommon name and it’s well known that you earmarked it for a future child, it’s a d**k move on his part. I get why you’d be bothered by it. I’d still name my kid that though

WestLondonIsOursFFC −  NTA. If you have a daughter, there shouldn’t be any problem with you using your brother’s old name. After all, nobody owns a name.

Bn0503 −  NAH – You can feel a bit annoyed and disappointed but he’s right you can’t gatekeep a name for a baby that may never come. You keep referring to ‘your future son’.

You may never decide to have children, you may have fertility issues, you may only have girls, you may have a child with someone who hates the name Evan, you might have a son take one look at him and decide actually he really doesn’t seem like an Evan, you might have a child with someone whose surname is Evans and decide Evan Evans sounds ridiculous.

You can also still name your potential child Evan, loads of families have people with the same name. Your brother is here now and identifies with that name telling him he should pick something different isn’t really fair.

MoMoJangles −  NAH. I honestly think it’s kinda s**tty when someone uses a name they know someone else has dreamed about for a long time. Like, yes they are absolutely *allowed* to do what they want. And I understand how this particular situation with your brother is very layered and that choosing a name that honors his true self is very personal and important.

And that’s the only reason I’m not calling him an AH. I just cant imagine how difficult it is to have experienced what he has to in order to be seen as the real him. And… you’re allowed to be disappointed/hurt. Especially by his comment.

If he’s asking you to support him in living an authentic life then I think it’s pretty hypocritical and cruel to throw something so important to you (having a child) in your face as if you aren’t keenly aware that you do not have a partner right now and that it impacts that aspect of your future hopes to have a family.

Of course there’s every reason to believe that you will still experience being a parent. 😊 I think these situations get posed as only about who can/can’t use the name. When most of the time, it is about feeling hurt that someone you love is willing to disregard your feelings and act like you don’t have a right to feel how you do about it.

I think you may have taken the news differently had he shown a bit of empathy for your feelings even if he’d still been set on using the name. You obviously love your brother. Maybe right now there is just a lot going on for him that he’s not able to see that side of it.

And I think this is a good situation for you to reflect on in terms of how you process and express your emotions. For example, stepping away if you felt o**rwhelmed – like a quick trip to the bathroom to wash your face and take some deep breaths. But you’re not an AH for feeling upset. Especially because you are not letting that be more important than supporting your brother.

omgitsmoki −  You know, I’m getting pretty f**king tired of these posts about name thieving. You’ve had this named picked out since you were a kid? And the whole family knew? Including your brother? AND he made a dig at you about being newly single? Yeah, your brother is the a**hole. And so is your family for standing with him and not bringing it up to him. You’re NTA here.

I don’t care what reason or trauma someone has to pick a baby name they absolutely know someone they “love” had in their heart. It’s a trash thing to do. Knowingly doing it is rude, petty, and shows their true personality.

Everyone here is like “you can’t call dibs on a name”, “what if you never have a boy?”, and “this doesn’t prevent you from also picking it”… sure? But the principal of the matter still stands. That’s the key element in each of these posts. This was malicious intent based solely on his reaction. That makes him a big ol’ a**hole.

You can have it be an accident and you can have little fights about two people in the family “honoring a great-grandmother” with a name, (like we’ve seen so often). It happens. It’s why people learn the rule of not sharing baby names because someone’s trashy ass cousin’s baby mama will absolutely pick your baby name and turn the whole family against you when you fight back.

Your brother picking your baby name because he’s transitioning and this is “his name”? No. He’s a d**k and you have a right be to pissed about it. What you do next is up to you. I can only imagine what would happen if you do have a baby boy and still name him the same name anyway.

The rioting that could happen about that….or maybe they’d just think it was sweet you named your kid after your brother and completely forget your choice since age 14. It doesn’t sound like your family is the best family. Honestly, I’d leave them behind if I were you but that’s just me. I will always advocate for dumping toxic people – especially family – and finding new people to love and be loved by.

bbaywayway −  Your brother is the AH.. And so is your mom.

wicky1983 −  NTA. How would your brother feel, if you have a daughter and call her by his deadname? I mean – it’s just a name, right? And he doesn’t need it anymore….

He knew what he did and it was an ah-move. He knew it would hurt you. He could choose any name in this world, but he chooses the one that’s important to you. I understand your disappointment. I also wouldn’t name my child after anybody in the family.

Keyg2o −  NTA i feel like people are very influenced by your brother’s situation here. sure he needs support and he must have his share of hardship, but that doesn’t change the fact that it was a d**k move on his part. just a little bit of consideration would have been enough for anyone to think “i’ll just find something else” or to at least ask if you’d fine with it.

it’s hardly believable that he would have chosen that name if it weren’t for you talking about the name for 13 years, he obviously knew you cared and just thought “heh whatever” but it’s still not worth fighting over it, you’ll just have to give it up ig

Shoddy_Evidence_6540 −  ESH. On one hand, I think it’s weird to claim a name years in advance for a future child, so much so that everyone in your family knew it and referenced it. On the other, the fact that your brother chose that name out of all the names in the world to use as his own is a big f u to you and his subsequent comments to you confirm it.

I laughed at the poster scolding you that your future son could be named after his brave uncle that picked the name to be closer to you. No, he was being a d**k. That will be interesting to navigate.

Do you think she’s right to feel hurt, or is her family correct that it’s unfair to gatekeep a name? How would you handle this situation if you were in her shoes? Share your thoughts below!