AITA – For admitting to my husband that I’m uncomfortable with certain children in our home?

A Reddit user shares her struggle with setting boundaries in her home when hosting young children from family and friends. Despite her efforts to accommodate, certain children’s behavior has left her feeling uncomfortable and disrespected, especially when personal spaces are invaded or items are broken.

Her husband dismisses her concerns, leaving her wondering if she’s being overly negative or just setting reasonable boundaries. Read the full story below for the detailed account.

‘ AITA – For admitting to my husband that I’m uncomfortable with certain children in our home?’

Hello, 31f married to my husband, 35m. Together 10.5 years. We have no kids and live in our house with our elderly dog. We are both from a small city, and a few years ago decided to move to a bigger city nearby.

In recent years, close friends and family have started families and ask to come stay with us when in big city, with their small kids. Our house isn’t really kid-friendly, I child-proof best I can to make it safe for guests. I prepare toys, snacks, Disney+, make it a friendly place.

I generally enjoy spending time with the kids in my life. My husband’s sister’s youngest son (5) has severe behavioral issues. He’s been kicked out of 3 daycares and has diagnosed with ODD and ADHD. My SIL comes over for days-long visits with her 3 kids, and he is a huge challenge.

He knocks furniture over, throw things around, he’s broken several of my items. He snoops in every single room, constantly. Opens every drawer and cupboard to pull things out. SIL ignores it, I’m the one chasing him around trying to stop him. I am so uncomfortable having my personal spaces invaded.

I once found him snooping in our bedroom. He grabbed something very inappropriate from a drawer and was about to run into the main room with it when I grabbed it. I’m the only adult trying to stop him. Husband and SIL do and say nothing.

I tried setting boundaries of rooms that are off limits with my most personal items, but they were ignored. As well, my husband’s best friends have a 4 year old boy who is very disrespectful in our house. He insults us, screams at my dog, snoops around, wipes his nose on couch pillows and his parents don’t do a thing.

I don’t expect perfect behavior, I just want decent manners and respect in my home. Now, whenever these specific people ask to come stay with us, I’m filled with anxiety and dread. During SIL’s most recent visit, my husband allowed nephew into an off-limits room and he broke a little Lego item my friends’ kid made me.

Afterwards I told him how I felt about it and that I was struggling with my discomfort. He was offended. “Every time kids come over, you have a complaint/ kids will be kids / you need to lighten up.” Said I’m overreacting about the Lego and it wasn’t a big deal. I said the point is that a boundary of mine had been ignored and an item was broken, again.

I explained I have no problems with kids if they can behave. I mentioned the incident of nephew handling a bedroom item. My husband said that I shouldn’t let it bother me, and to try to find it funny instead. I know a big part of his defensive reaction is because SIL’s family is the only real family he has.

I understand that he’s trying to just have a good time with them in his home without negativity. I want to mention I’ve always conveyed my concerns to him in a respectful and mature way. I still wonder, if I’m actually TA here and maybe I’m being too negative when my husband is just trying to enjoy time with what little family he has left.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

extinct_diplodocus −  NTA and not negative enough. You’re acting like, and he’s treating you as, a doormat. The rules for somebody staying over should be two yes or one no. This is your home, not a hotel.

You’re entitled to a peaceful home and a husband that cares more about you than other family and friends. You still wouldn’t be TA if you decided that any children coming over was too many. Let him visit SIL in *her* home.

HandBananasRevenge −  NTA and I wouldn’t want poorly parented children in my home, either.  I have one friend who we never invite over anymore because one of the kids is so poorly behaved and they check out whenever someone is hosting them, meaning we would have to constantly corral their kids while they sit around doing nothing.

Your husband is being an AH for dismissing your concerns and not caring that reasonable boundaries are being broken. I can only wonder how he would feel if the roles were reversed and the bad children belonged to friends or relatives of YOURS and it was HIS stuff getting broken. 

Hungry-Book −  NTA. Kids will be kids but if those parents aren’t HELPING correct their children while visiting, I wouldn’t want them in my own. Family or not.

dryadduinath −  No. NTA. They’re breaking things and getting into your nightstand (I assume), that’s not something that should be able to happen without a parent on their ass apologizing profusely.

If your husband refuses to listen, start locking away things you don’t want broken, lock rooms the kids have no reason to be in, and be clear that your husband will need to clean up after his family. As well as replacing the things they break. You can love children and still expect their parents to actually keep parent. 

CrazyOldBag −  INFO: My dear, what does your husband bring to your marriage? Everything you’ve said about him is negative. He belittles you, demeans you, ignores your concerns, doesn’t help clean up — why are you willing to accept this behavior?

I don’t see ANYTHING in your post or answers to comments that makes me think he adds much value to your life. I don’t know if counseling would help. However, he is picking away at your very being by his behavior.

Soon you will be just a shadow. Is this truly the life you want? Can you honestly say you’re happy in this relationship? I’m looking forward to seeing your answers.

sugarsyrupguzzler −  NTA. If their parents wont parent, become a d**k and a dictator and get angry. If they don’t like it, they can LEAVE.

Pillowprincess_222 −  NTA. Why are you cleaning up and not him.

Outside_Guidance4752 −  NTA stand up for yourself, your husband is belittling you. Tell your husband the lay of the land. Either he and you SIL can supervise the children properly the whole time they’re there so nothing gets broken.

Snooped in or turned over or it’s going to be a no for visits. Also open your mouth and tell SIL/the friend directly when something crosses your boundaries while they’re over.

Alwaysorange1234 −  What an awful husband you have. Disrespectful. Spineless. Weak.

TallLoss2 −  NOPE nta!!! the next time a visit is planned, here’s what you do: – in the days leading up to the visit, focus on the most important items that you do not want touched, and put them all in a box .

– book a hotel for yourself for the duration of the visit. – leave your box of valuables with a trusted friend. –  get all your stuff ready to go *before* you say anything about the hotel.

– when your guests arrive, inform your husband that due to his consistent disregard & disrespect of your boundaries and comfort ***in your own home,*** you will be taking action to ensure your boundaries remain in place by removing yourself from the home & staying in a hotel.

– bow the f**k out and have a fun hotel stay!!! best of luck to you bc this sounds ridiculous and your husband is really coming off like the AH here.

Do you think the Redditor is justified in feeling frustrated about the lack of respect for her boundaries, or should she be more accommodating given the family dynamics? How would you balance hosting guests and maintaining order in your home? Share your thoughts below!