AITA for 100% refusing to let my dad/mom see my child for something done 10-15 years ago? /Petty

A Reddit user shared their story about refusing to allow their estranged parents to meet their child, stemming from being kicked out years ago over dating someone older. Despite their younger brother’s pleas for reconciliation, the user remains firm in their decision, citing unresolved resentment. Read the full story below:

‘ AITA for 100% refusing to let my dad/mom see my child for something done 10-15 years ago? /Petty’

-I always had good grades in high-school, was home on time, cleaned the house etc. I never had problems with my parents before this. -I went to med school, still living with parents when I was 20, I dated someone who was 23 -Dad was against this because be does not believe in dating people far older than you (so like don’t date far from your own age) and says I cannot date J.

-Argument breaks out, Dad says it’s his house so either I agree or I move out. I say it’s not fair as J has a job, goes to college, has future plans etc. Dad kicks me out. Mom agrees with his decision. Little bro was only 14 at the time.

-I moved with J, his family was supportive, helped me with my college (I went to another college due to financial reasons), finished my required years but still kept in touch with my lil bro -Years later, me and J (with the help of his parents) got a small house. (Like really small but I’m happy with it).

I ended up giving birth to a sweet baby girl. I let my lil bro know that he could come see her when he was able to. He came a few times. -Today, bro came to see the baby, and asked when I was going to let mom and dad see her since they wanted to reconnect. I said never and that I wasn’t going to forgive them.

Bro says I’m being unreasonable as they were just strict and trying to protect me, I say that’s b**lshit because Dad shouldn’t have kicked me out over age. Bro says I should at least let Mom come because she didn’t want to agree with it. I say Mom was able to do something but didn’t,but that Bro’s situation was different because he was only 15.

Bro is upset because he says Mom and Dad regret their decision and just want to reconnect and that I am dragging this entire situation. I told him that if he thinks I’m ‘dragging it out’ then he can stay out of my life too. He’s angry and says that I need to move on and that I shouldn’t be withholding them from seeing THEIR grandchild.

I say that THEY disowned me and so have no grandchild from a daughter that doesn’t exist. AITA? I don’t hate my bro and I (kinda) get what he is saying, but I just have a resentment for my parents.

It’s not like I had a baby just to put it against them, but my lil bro thinks I’m going go die on a hill with them for something done several years ago and it’s petty. I’m curious on what reddit thinks. I want a relationship with my bro, just not my mom and dad

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Goldenmoons −  NTA.. Two things; 23 isn’t too far away from 20. Holy s**t. I feel like your parents just used that excuse as a way to control you. It’s m**ipulative and gross to give your grown daughter ultimatums over who she dates.

You have every right to be angry. You have every right to decide who your child sees and who it doesn’t. If I were you, I’d tell your brother that this is YOUR kid, and your decisions are to be respected and not discussed any further unless he wants to damage the relationship you guys have maintained.

edit: for those quoting me on “you have every right to decide who your child sees and who it doesn’t” & how that’s the same mindset that her parents originally had. Y’all know damn well that there’s a big ass difference between making decisions for a young child and for an older teen/adult.

rmm035 −  NTA – If your parents want to reconcile they can reach out themselves, rather than sending a messenger. They owe you a massive apology. You’re not the one that’s “dying on this hill,” they’re the ones that haven’t made ammends for their actions. They made a huge, life altering mistake, and just because they regret it now doesn’t mean they don’t have to take responsibility for it.

MyNameIsKanya −  NTA. They kicked you out, and they don’t even the decency to start up the reconnecting. They used your brother as a pawn because they know you still like him

coyoterose5 −  NTA they kicked you out for dating a guy three years older than you, which IMO is absurd. It sounds more like they wanted to control you and when they couldn’t they kicked you to the curb.

Since then it doesn’t sound like they have reached out and tried to make amends at all. Instead your brother is giving you a guilt trip about it. What have they done that suggests they deserve a second chance?

WebbieVanderquack −  NTA, but don’t alienate your brother over this. He’s in a difficult position. It’s up to you whether you want to reconcile with your parents. It doesn’t sound like they’re actually sorry at this point, your brother just wants everyone to get along, which is understandable.

DrHeckle_MrJive −  Let me make sure I have this right: Parents disapprove of your relationship and disown you over it and now want to be grandparents to the child that resulted from the same relationship they disowned you over? That about right?. NTA, disownment goes both ways.

post-mm −  ESH. Except your bro. And I’m going with you’re the a-hole mostly for telling your brother that he can leave your life too. He’s just trying to get his family to get along again. He’s trying to be a diplomat in a stand off. You don’t need to forgive your parents or anything (over a 3 year age gap????) but you should apologize to your brother.

Au_Struck_Geologist −  NTA/INFO, but I may have a slightly different perspective. One of the most important things to remember about toxic relationships is that past behavior is the best predictor. The one thing missing from your post is a continuous string of ultra controlling behavior. You said you never had any issues before this.

What may have happened is they put their foot down when they shouldn’t have, you called their bluff, and EVERYTHING else has been downhill consequences. Everyone in the comments is saying: “f**k them! they are controlling toxic people!” I don’t see that. I see them making a single, heavy handed controlling move, and everything exploded from that.

I don’t know how much contact you allowed since that. I don’t get a sense if they reached out over the years but it was still too raw for you. That’s understandable, but it’s different from careless tyrants who emotionally scarred you for 18 years. That’s not what your parents sound like.

This sounds like it may actually just be one momentous moment that has fed back on itself for a decade between two parties. People can disagree with me, but I think if you have prevented communication with them over this time, then you have also prevented the ability to mend the relationship.

I used to hold white-hot grudges with people who had wronged me. I enjoyed the validation, and it allowed me to seethe on it and feel justified in continuing to refuse contact. I finally let go of that and realized there were DEFINITELY two camps of people.

Camp 1 were the people who *continuously* failed me at every turn, and could easily and accurately be predicted to do the s**tty thing at every turn.
Camp 2 people usually involved one particular event that was a failure on their part. It’s the camp 2 people that you should open bridges to, I promise you will always feel better.

If you think that your situation with your parents is a camp 2 situation (I don’t know what all the missing info is here), then I would take this opportunity to extend a bridge. If they are camp 1, then yes, I agree with everyone else here, do what you can to maintain and build a healthy relationship with your brother but make it clear that there’s no room for your parents.

Sentahlta −  NTA have they even ever checked on you? Have they offered any support of any kind? If they can’t parent appropriately they don’t deserve the gift of being grandparents which is a far easier gig and they will be able to exert control via your daughter.

tuna_HP −  INFO. I feel like you didn’t explain this whole situation adequately. There is a big gap between “I lived with my parents until I was 20 and always got along with them fine” and then “I haven’t talked to my parents over the multiple years since and had a child without telling them”. What the hell happened?

Most people I knew who got in similarly heated arguments with their parents and they slept somewhere else for the night, they talk the next day and come to some sort of truce. What the hell happened? Were both you and your parents stubborn and nobody tried to reach out and it just went on for years?

Or was maybe your mom trying to reach out and you were ignoring her? There is also the point that, sure your dad wants you to do what he thinks is best for you while he’s paying for you, but once he’s not paying for you anymore, does he still think he has standing to tell you what to do?

Too many suspicious gaps in this story to cast judgment. The way the post was written does’t exclude the possibility the the parents had reached out over the years and the OP had been ignoring them, which could potentially make her the a**hole.

Should past mistakes define future relationships? Is the user justified in maintaining this boundary, or are they holding onto resentment unnecessarily? Share your perspective below!