AITA a**hole for removing my name from a mortgage to leave my family and not provide them with financial support? ?
A Reddit user, the eldest son in a South Asian family, has struggled with mental health issues and financial burdens imposed by his family. Despite working hard and trying to support them, he feels stifled by their expectations and a culture that prioritizes financial support for extended family over individual well-being.
After deciding to remove his name from a mortgage and prioritize his own mental health and future, he faces backlash from his family. Now, he’s questioning whether he’s wrong for wanting to break free and focus on himself. Read the full story below.
‘ AITA a**hole for removing my name from a mortgage to leave my family and not provide them with financial support? ?’
I’m the eldest son of South Asian parents who moved to the West before I was born. Despite financial strain, they sent money abroad to support their families. Religion was core to their lives, and when I tried to step away from it, they labeled me as delusional.
As a teenager, I struggled with depression, and my lecturers reached out to my parents, hoping I’d get help. On the way to the doctor, my dad dismissed my struggles, saying I was weak and had never faced “real” hardship like those in third-world countries. My mom suggested I just talk to her, so I downplayed my feelings to the doctor.
I’d wanted to move away for university, but my dad insisted I stay, saying I was too young and it would upset him. Not wanting to study from home, I got a job instead and was asked to start contributing to the household bills right away.
I have two older sisters and a younger brother. My oldest sister and I are the primary earners, while my second-oldest sister quit her job and isn’t on the mortgage. My dad works part-time due to back pain and has a lot of debt, while my mom is a stay-at-home mom. Although I try to support her emotionally, she insists she’s happy with her life.
Eventually, I received a promotion and got a new job with private healthcare, which allowed me to access a therapist who helped me recover. Still, when I confided in my family, I was judged and made to feel weak. After another promotion, I decided it was time to move out. My family initially supported my mortgage but later turned against me, pressuring me to buy a house with my oldest sister, tying me down financially.
When my second-oldest sister quit her job, nearly my whole salary went toward household expenses, and I took on £10,000 in debt for renovations. With only two earners at the time, I was told to “deal with it” as the oldest son. My dad’s limited income went mostly to his own debt, and he expects us to support him in retirement.
My younger brother, now in university, doesn’t contribute much financially, though my second-oldest sister’s new job has relieved some pressure. Still, I’m left with a £10,000 debt—for a house I didn’t want.
My parents also disapprove of my girlfriend because she’s from a different background and isn’t religious. They’ve even said they won’t meet her for years. That was the tipping point for me. I told them I’d sell my share of the mortgage to a family member, reclaim my contributions, and move out.
The bank approved, but my dad called me s**fish and ridiculous, fearing they’d be left without a backup if my sisters decide to move out too. After supporting my family financially for so long, I feel it’s time to prioritise my well-being. Once I’ve paid off my debt and the mortgage is off my name, I plan to move out. Am I the a**hole here?
Check out how the community responded:
Comfortable-Sea-2454 − NTA\. After supporting my family financially for so long, I feel it’s time to prioritise my well-being. Once I’ve paid off my debt and the mortgage is off my name, I plan to move out. Am I the a**hole here?
I don’t understand the mindset that kids are supposed to support their parents because they owe the parents for having raised them. OP, get your name off of the mortgage, move out and on with your life and let your parents deal with the debt they incurred by sending money to family back home.
_s1m0n_s3z − Why not sell off the house and pay off your debt right now? NTA.. \~\~ Because you’re supporting everyone. They’ll never let you get away. As soon as the reno mortgage is close to being paid off, there’ll be some brand new emergency that OP has to go back into debt over. You’re the meal-ticket; they’ll bleed you dry.
What I’m saying is that there will be no polite, conflict-free way for you to win your way free. They’ll fight, and fight hard to keep you tied to and subservient to them. I bet they even think it’s *their* house, not yours. They just let you live there. As long as you pay for everything.
Swiss_Miss_77 − Nope. NTA. Children are NOT a retirement plan.
Apart-Ad-6518 − After supporting my family financially for so long, I feel it’s time to prioritise my well-being. Once I’ve paid off my debt and the mortgage is off my name, I plan to move out.. Of course NTA.
Despite financial strain, they sent money abroad to support their families. They can’t expect you to fund their choices any longer. Sorry to say it but you’ve been doing that already for *far* longer than they deserve. Go live your life & be happy. Don’t look back or question yourself.. Best of luck.
hadMcDofordinner − If you are the only one paying for the mortgage, sell the house. It doesn’t sound like anyone in your family can buy you out. You are in the UK, housing is much sought after. If you are in a decent neighborhood, you can sell. Let your family manage on their own from now on. NTA Separate your finances from those of all these other people and get some serenity into your life.
Reasonable-Sale8611 − So basically you didn’t get to go to university because your parents wanted you to live at home and support them? I can’t completely tell based on what you’ve written, but it sounds like you weren’t so much “forced” into these things, but pressured into them with various pressure-tactics from your father.
Because of this, I think your first step to freedom is to convince yourself that IT’S OK NOT TO GIVE IN to your family’s pressure tactics. You have to fight, mentally, against their arguments that if you give up their religion you are “delusional,” that you are “weak,” that you have “never faced real hardship,” and that you should “deal with it as the oldest son.”
I think the key is in the last phrase, “As the oldest son.” Your parents keep guilt-tripping you about your responsibilities as their child, to support them and to prioritize their needs over your own.
But to get to this point, where they have an oldest son they can guilt-trip into financially supporting them (as well as several other children, some of whom are also supporting them), they had to get married and have children, and, when they were younger, to use their income to raise their children and to take care of their own needs.
And yet you are not allowed to do the same. Instead, you have to use your income to support THEIR needs and THEIR CHILDREN’S needs.. Do you see the asymmetry here? I hope this shows you that your parents are… how do I put this… blowing smoke up your nose. They are claiming you have a moral responsibility to do something that they themselves didn’t do.
You are being taken advantage of and used. This is tricky because now you have a mortgage and apparently a loan for a home renovation. This creates legal obligations for you that make it difficult to extricate yourself from supporting your parents. To get out of this, you may have to sell the house so that you can retrieve your money that is tied up in the house.
As someone pointed out in the comments, this may lead to an irretrievable breakdown of the relationship with your parents. But bear in mind, your parents have essentially tried to stop you from having your own life so that they can live off of you.
If anyone has caused the breakdown of the relationship, it is them. It is ok for you to take back your money and extricate yourself from this situation so that you can have your own life, marry your own wife, and raise your own children, just as your parents did when they were your age.. NTA
Original_Thanks_9435 − NTA and it always amazes me that parents that moved to the west to create a ‘better life’ for their children still hold on too many of their traditional ways of living which in turn inhibits their children being able to have better lives! I find it’s common, many cultures expect their children to carry the financial burden of their parents and even siblings. My parents immigrated from European country and thankfully that was not the tradition!
MagicCarpet5846 − NTA but learn to keep your mouth shut until it’s done, because if your family is also on the mortgage they can absolutely stop the transference of debt to another family member so stfu and wait until you’re ready and ABLE to leave before saying anything. You’re just going to ruin your own plans.
DancingChickadee − NTA. Don’t be ashamed to pick you.
Legolaslegs − NTA. I understand the burden of responsibility, especially responsibility that’s put on you and you’re expected to comply. It’s unfair because it wasn’t want you wanted in the first place, and it took shaming, disrespecting and guilt tripping you to comply.
If they want to live their lives this way, that’s fine. But you don’t have to. You’ve given them so much of your time already, time you didn’t owe them or weren’t obligated to give. Nor the money. It sounds like you’ve gone above and beyond to help but it’s unrealistic to expect you to not live your life.
Be happy. They can figure it out themselves. I’d follow through with removing your name and getting out of there before your sisters do, because then you might feel responsible to stay. And they’ve already done that to you enough. Get out of there.
If you want to help them, do it from your own space with your own boundaries in place. I hope your depression is doing better, I know that’s not at all easy to manage on top of all this.. Wishing you the best, OP!
Do you think the user is justified in prioritizing his mental health and financial independence over family obligations, or should he continue to support his family despite the personal toll? How would you approach such a difficult family dynamic? Share your thoughts below!
