After two years of marriage, my (38M) wife (36F) has not adjusted to being an us. How can I communicate to her that this is hurting me?

A person (38M) feels hurt that his wife (36F), after two years of marriage, still seems to prioritize her own needs over his, particularly in small everyday gestures like meals and breakfast. Despite several attempts to communicate his feelings, his wife apologizes but the behavior doesn’t change.

The person is unsure if his feelings are exaggerated or if there’s a deeper issue, and wants to find a way to express his hurt without being seen as dramatic or creating tension.

‘ After two years of marriage, my (38M) wife (36F) has not adjusted to being an us. How can I communicate to her that this is hurting me?’

For all I know, I may be making a huge deal out of nothing, but it’s frustrating me, so I want to see if there’s a good way forward. Essentially my wife and I have been living together for three years and married for two. My wife has been on her own for most of her life.

So, she’s used to taking care of her and nobody else. For example. I’ll cook dinner for us and put plates out on the table. When the food is done, I’ll grab a fork, knife, and napkin for each of us, open the fridge and ask her if she wants something to drink. She’ll inform me that she already got something.

I’ll walk over to the table to find that she got herself a drink, cutlery, and a napkin but didn’t put anything down for me or offer me a drink. If she cooks, it’s about 50-50 if she’ll give me silverware and never gives me a drink. She always gets up early on weekends, whereas I like to sleep in a little bit as I’m up early every weekday.

Usually 40 – 60 minutes after her. I will wake up hungry and ask my wife if she wants me to order breakfast sandwiches. She, usually sitting there with a cup of coffee, will inform me that she’s already made breakfast for herself and is no longer hungry, but to feel free to get something for myself.

She makes a single cup with a K-Cup so there’s no pot to get another cup from for myself, everything to make breakfast is in the sink and wet, and there’s no indication that she even thought for a moment that I would want to eat breakfast too. I’ve, multiple times, tried to approach this in different ways.

If I’m direct, she keeps cutting me off by apologizing and saying she didn’t do it deliberately, but nothing changes. If I do it in an aloof lighthearted way, “Oops, I guess you didn’t realize I would be eating too?” She gets upset, asks if I want her to make me breakfast, and says she doesn’t want me upset all day.

If I say nothing, she assumes I’m sad, says she doesn’t want me to be angry at her, and says that I’m making a big deal over nothing. We have, overall, a very good marriage. We support each other, we have the same goals, and our division of labor and chores works very well.

I know that sounds very business like, and maybe I’m not describing it well, but the issue is a very small part of our marriage. Not worth throwing everything away over, but enough that it bothers me and no matter how I bring it up, nothing changes.

I feel like in so many interactions that we have, my first thought is to make sure she is taken care of as well as or better than I am. Her first thought is to make sure that she is taken care of and I am not even an afterthought. I feel like I have to remind her that I exist some days.

At the same time, without going into to much detail, I am neurodivergent and I may be creating a giant nothing in my head. Is there a good way to communicate with her that this hurts me without her feeling like I’m being dramatic?

I don’t want to start not doing for her because that’s contrary to my nature and I feel like it’s going to create resentment on both sides. I had a college girlfriend break up with me when I pulled back and began matching what I perceived to be her effort in our relationship because she said I wasn’t trying anymore.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Felixir-the-Cat −  This might be an etiquette / family culture thing. Half of the comments think it’s no big deal, and half think it’s incredibly rude. Personally, in my family we kind of took care of ourselves, so there would be no expectation that you’d wait to eat with someone at breakfast.

I think you might need to identify what you really need (quality time together at dinner, for example) and set a routine where one of you cooks, and one of you sets the table and you both clean together, for example.

Make it a regular thing, and she will likely adhere to it. But I wouldn’t take it personally that she fed herself and got herself some coffee while you were sleeping.

lumnicence2 −  Most of the examples that you’re citing revolve around meals and eating. Is that the only time that y’all are having issues, or are there examples outside those circumstances?

Dry_Ask5493 −  I think you need to be direct and clear with what you want her to change. But overall it is not reasonable to expect every move to be a group thing. I do think it should be more team work when warranted. Like you cook and she gets the dishes and drinks ready.

Aversebeehive −  I could be wrong, but part of the way this reads to me is that while the tasks themselves would be helpful and visible evidence of her thinking of you and your needs, you more so want your wife to *want* to do those things for you.

If you’re a thoughtful person and you like to do little things for your partner it likely comes naturally to you- it obviously doesn’t for your wife and she doesn’t seem to recognize it before realizing she has made a misstep in your eyes.

I wonder how specific you are getting when you have conversations about what behaviors you’d like to see differently. Perhaps some of her defensiveness and trying to assuage the problem after the fact (asking if you’d like her to cook breakfast for you now that you’re awake) is truly borne not out of malice or even a lack of care for you- just something she doesn’t really think about.

I think the more specific you can be in conversations about changing X behavior in Y situation will make it easier for her to do something that doesn’t come naturally. A roadmap if you will.. Edited for formatting

Glass-Intention-3979 −  Dude,this isn’t about her being alone for so long or that she doesn’t see you guys as “us”. Yout wife just has no manners. I’m sorry but, not bringing cutlery to the table,asking if you’d like something.

That’s just someone with zero manners. Which, when it’s a loved one speaks about how little respect for you. Does she do this to others or just you?

chapterpt −  Being passive agressive “oh I guess I’m not eating breakfast” and communicating ‘hey, how come you didn’t make me breakfast?” are different things. If you clearly communicate your expectations they agree and then continue to let you down, that’s a relationship issue.

If you don’t clearly state a + b = your feelings and perceptions, you aren’t controlling the only part of the relationship you’re in charge of: you!

dreamobscene29 −  I think she may feel a bit suffocated by the expectation to always be thinking in an ‘us’ way. For example, if you wake up later and she’s an early bird why should she make breakfast if you’re not there to eat it? Would you want her to wait for you to wake up?

Additionally, as you want a lie in, presumably this would mean on the weekend she’d be the one making breakfast every time – and that’s quite unfair. I do agree with you in terms of its kind to check if your partner wants a drink etc. but you may need to find a happy medium.

CarolineWonders −  Honestly just be honest with her. This sounds like it’s a difference in how you were raised. She probably is used to having to get everything herself where you probably came from a family where family dinner was family dinner

katieintheozarks −  I’m still confused. You want her to make you eggs that will get cold? My husband and I are similar to your wife. If I cook I’ll tell him “There’s pasta in the kitchen.” or “I bought juice. It’s in the fridge.”

but there’s no obligation that we retrieve each other’s drinks or silverware or even serve each other. I serve my own food because I know how much I want. If we want to expressly spend time together we’ll ask the other to go out to eat someplace.

If you want a traditional meal together, prepared together, eaten together and cleaned up together sounds like she’s not your gal.

siriously1234 −  Idk, maybe I’ve lived alone for far too long but having to operate like this *every single day* sounds exhausting. Like maybe on the weekends, sure. If I run out for coffee, I wouldn’t come home to my boyfriend empty handed.

But if it’s like a Tuesday and I’m getting ready for work and he’s still sleeping, does he really want that cold latte that’s been sitting on the counter for 3 hours? Or if he’s getting home at 8, does he really expect me to not eat until he’s back?

Like I’m happy to sit at the table and chat with him but I can’t imagine if we’re operating on fairly different schedules having to build my entire waking existence around someone else.

I’d like a partner where we spend purposeful and intentional quality time together, not a consistent obligation, ya know? But I’m pretty independent, I guess. Maybe your wife is the same?