After my husband’s (54M) cancer scare I (51F) don’t want to stay with him

A Redditor shared a deeply emotional post about their marriage after their husband’s cancer scare. While the husband’s tumor turned out benign, the scare triggered unresolved feelings in the wife stemming from his infidelity during her own cancer battle years ago.

Despite his recent devotion, the weight of past betrayal looms large, making her question whether she can stay, especially when faced with the possibility of becoming his caregiver. She feels torn between guilt, cultural expectations, and her own well-being. Read the original story below…

‘ After my husband’s (54M) cancer scare I (51F) don’t want to stay with him’

My husband doesn’t have cancer. He did have a lump that turned out to be a benign tumor. The doctor told us that it was lucky. If it had been cancerous, he would’ve likely ended up bedridden and needing my care. However, it still could turn out cancerous in the end.

My husband thanked me for sticking by his side while going through this and it makes me sick with guilt because I don’t want to stay.
A few years ago, I had ovarian cancer. Instead of supporting me, I found out he was cheating on me. He cried and begged for forgiveness.

I HONESTLY thought that I could get over it. I thought that we would get over it stronger than the other side. There’s a joke where I’m from that men always have second families. Cheating husbands are very common and their wives stay with them. My mom stayed with my cheating dad and even took in my half sibling.

He’s been a great husband since. But I’m looking at taking care of someone who couldn’t take care of me. Who cheated on me instead of helping me. My mom had to help wipe my ass because I couldn’t do it. And he was out cheating. I can’t, I can’t do it. I can and have done it for someone I love but I can’t do it for him.

I feel like an awful person and I don’t know why this is the trigger. Why do I feel betrayed now? Why do I want to leave when he potentially is the most vulnerable? And what do I do when I don’t want to stay with him when he potentially could be sick?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

obvusthrowawayobv −  You’re not an awful person because you couldn’t get past the cheating. You’re not an awful person for helping him through one of the hardest times in his life and realizing that when it was your turn previously he was not there for you.

You’re not awful for wanting to leave someone who doesn’t have your back while you are willing to have theirs. Sure he might spin it in a way to victimize himself with woe is me I had a cancer scare and she left me….

But the truth is you are haunted in the back of your mind that if you have another cancer scare, you don’t actually trust him to be there for you, therefore being there for him just led you to resent him more because it has been cemented in your mind that you’re a better person to him than he was to you and you no longer respect him for it.

Just tell him that you tried your best in this scare and he’s fine now, but all you could think about was how when the situation was reversed,

he was looking to replace you instead of support you and you’re done giving to him without him having your back unless he feels bad or scared when it should have been something he wanted to do in the first place. Yeah, you’re perfectly valid to leave. He traumatized you.. I would, too.

generic230 −  You tell him, “I’m leaving this marriage because you had an affair while I had b**ast cancer. I didn’t understand how fucked up that was until I cared for YOU during your cancer scare and realized that’s the level of care I deserved. You failed me and this marriage when I needed you most.

But I stepped up for you. This means we are fundamentally two different kinds of people. I can’t stay with a weak, selfish person when I see how strong and true I am.”

Visible-Arachnid8790 −  It’s a wake up call. Every now and then we have that realization. Its not sudden but it feels so. Its like a volcano, it will come with warning signs like earthquake but people ignore it until it erupts.

You say you do not know what to do, but you do. Its already in the title ‘I don’t want to stay with’. But you are confused on what to do NOW. How do you act on it? How do you do things that feels so complicated. You got the clarity its not that complicated.

Street-Spring1759 −  He had a benign tumor and you took care of him without cheating. You had cancer and he cheats on you. If he ends up with cancer that’s a major trigger because you will be expected to take care of him knowing he was cheating on you when the roles were reversed.

You did the right thing. He didn’t. I would be triggered, too, and resentful. I can only imagine everything came rushing back. I’m so sorry. You’re not a bad person at all. You need to do what’s best for you even if it means leaving.

Annual_Version_6250 −  In response to one of your comments…. men don’t cheat because of their wife, they cheat because they are cheaters. You aren’t leaving because of his cancer scare.  You’re leaving because his scare made you realize you aren’t in love with him anymore, which is a totally valid reason to divorce.

marshmallowgoop −  You’re not an awful person. He cheated on you while you were going through health problems. You need to be with someone who is loyal and honest.

GodIsAGas −  You’re not an awful person. And I say that as someone who has cancer – I’ve a rare form of lymphoma which is life limiting. You’re not an awful person because this isn’t about the cancer. It’s about your husband cheating on you and the consequences of that action.

Sometimes people can get through it and sometimes they cannot. You’ve tried, really tried, and now this incident has highlighted the fact that it is just too much for you.

My advice would be to end the relationship quickly and move on. Even though this isn’t about cancer, it’s about the cheating, it’ll be emotionally easier for you to walk away whilst his results are clear.

KnitSheep −  This triggered you because you’ve just repeated a process that was very traumatic for you with a partner who wasn’t there to support you. Even though the roles were reversed, it still brings so much trauma to the surface to walk those same steps.

And it’s demonstrated to you that you aren’t over your husband cheating when you needed him the most. You don’t NEED to be over it. That’s not like oops I forgot to pick up dinner so we call the pizza man.

At this point the best thing you can do is take care of yourself. If that means leaving, then that’s exactly what you do. Even if his scare never progresses past the point of scare, will you ever fully trust him again?

RabbitMouseGem −  It is ok to end a relationship at any time for any reason or no reason. You have good reason. Hire a lawyer and follow their advice.

dianamellarke −  The number of men who abandon their partners during an illness is alarmingly large. You should have left him at the time of your illness, it must have hurt you a lot to realize that you would be willing to sacrifice yourself for him and that this is not reciprocal.

You have to think about yourself, is this the type of partner you want on your side? Knowing that there cannot be a moment of vulnerability that can be abandoned.

What would you do in this situation? Is it fair to feel like leaving after being there for someone who didn’t do the same? Should she prioritize her well-being, or is staying the right thing to do? Share your thoughts below!