The guy (29m) I’m (25f) dating and his friends “gatekeeped” me about my hobbies and career, I’m feeling embarrassed.

A Redditor (25F) shares her frustration and embarrassment after a dinner with her boyfriend Dan (29M) and his friends, where she was repeatedly “gatekept” about her hobbies and career. His friends quizzed her on esoteric facts related to her interests and work,

making her feel uncomfortable and alienated. When she reacted negatively, Dan did not intervene and instead sided with his friends, causing her to question the relationship. Read the full story below:

‘ The guy (29m) I’m (25f) dating and his friends “gatekeeped” me about my hobbies and career, I’m feeling embarrassed.’

The person I’m dating (together 3 months), I’ll call him ‘Dan’, recently invited me out to dinner to meet some of his coworkers. The first red flag was he invited everyone out to a Hooters, and said they chose that restaurant because it’s close to where they work and is easy to get to. Which is true, but there are several other restaurants near by that offer better food and a better atmosphere.

Before he invited me out to dinner, he half joked that his coworkers (all of them are male) didn’t believe that he was dating a “hot girl” that’s into the same hobbies as them. (The are hobbies that are considered to be primarily for men.) I was a little irked at that comment, but he said he was “just joking around” (this pretty much became the catch phrase for the men that night).

When everyone arrived at the restaurant Dan and his coworkers were making comments about the girls that worked there and their physical appearances. This made me a little uncomfortable but I didn’t say anything. Once everyone ordered their food/drink his friends started to quiz me about my interests.

Many of them share the same “male dominated” hobbies I’m interested in, and they more or less just tried to see if I knew facts about the hobby, as opposed to asking me questions about what I like/don’t like or what I’m currently doing in said hobby. For example, if my hobby was American history – one of them would ask an esoteric question like “Oh, so you like American History?

How many one dollar bills are currently in circulation? How old is the French Broad River!?” I also work as a junior automation engineer at a start up software company. I haven’t been writing code that long, as I was working in QA prior and learned how to code while I was in that position. I’m really green and I know I still have a lot to learn.

The projects I’m working on are small and I’m getting help at work. All of his friends are senior level software engineers and were quizzing me about my work and trying to see how much I actually know. They were asking about advanced things I did not know about, and were asking me technical questions that don’t even apply to my job.

But, they were all smiling and laughing, and would frequently say something like “aw we’re just kidding!” At one point I felt like I was at some weird interview and was taking one question at a time from each d-bag at the table. I know I stopped fake smiling at some point and just emotionlessly answered their questions.

I think one of them became self aware because he just looked down at his phone for the rest of the evening, didn’t ask me anything else and just looked uncomfortable.
When they weren’t asking pointed questions at me, they were talking to each other and ignoring me. I’d be interrupted if I tried to include my thoughts on the subject, or nod at me and look away to someone else.

I should mention all of these guys were 5-10 years older than me, I’m 25, the guy I’m dating is 29, and his coworkers are in their early-mid 30s. I don’t have as much experience as they do, part of me was hoping I could meet peers who could have helped guide me or answer my questions about their careers. Instead, one of them literally asked me to give him a sql query.

They all kept saying they were just kidding around or just joking and laughing about it, but it was so cringey. Dan was sitting beside me and wasn’t stopping this behavior from his coworkers. He was coaching me, I guess? Saying things like “oh! you know this one!” or “come on you got this, we talked about this last week!” Dan also made the comment of “See, she’s really smart too!” to one of the guys at the table.

That whole night was just awful. He was actually irritated at me because he saw my whole mood change while I was being quizzed by his friends. He said he noticed me having an “attitude” with his coworkers, when they were just having fun and trying to get to know me. That it was immature of me to have been to obviously annoyed and that I “audibly sighed” multiple times when one his friends spoke to me.

I can’t stop seeing Dan as a super cringey dude now. I thought he was acting ridiculous and seemed more like a 13 year old boy as opposed to someone who is supposed to be turning 30 in a couple of months. I’m pretty sure I can’t go on with the relationship at this point. I don’t think this is an overreaction on my part, if I were to break up with him.

Is it within reason to end a relationship after this event? Everything was going fine before this happened. But now I just feel gross. The dinner happened last night and I haven’t returned any of his texts today.

I know ghosting is wrong, but I don’t want to look at him or speak to him, the thought of him just kind of disgusts me at this point. I’ve never felt like someone’s show poodle before. I don’t know if I’ll feel differently in a week or if I’m unjustified in my anger.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

[Reddit User] −  “Dan, the way you acted towards me when we were with your friends has made me see in you in an entirely different light, and I don’t want to continue to date you anymore.”. The end.

[Reddit User] −  Nope, you’re totally justified if this made you feel differently about him and want to end it. Like you said, it feels like he was prancing you around like a prize and didn’t even care that his friends were bullying you. He was more upset that you gave them “attitude” instead of telling them to lay off.

If that is the kind of dude he is and those are the types of people he hangs out with…kinda speaks a lot for his character. I think you just learned a lot about him as a person last night and wouldn’t blame you for not ignoring that big red flag.

[Reddit User] −  You are seeing Dan as a super-creepy dude because Dan IS a super-creepy dude. This guy does not respect you, and he purposely brought you to a restaurant and disrespected you by talking about the women there.

Here’s what happened: they brought you to Hooters to undermine your confidence and put you at a disadvantage (“hi, we are a bunch of guys that are going to go to Hooters and talk about the appearance of the women there while the one woman at our table sits and watches us”). They all, including Dan, treated you like a specimen, and as if you were the stupid little girl. D**p Dan and his juvenile, misogynistic friends, please.

BritishHobo −  I wonder why Dan and his friends have to go to Hooters and leer at the waitresses, when they’re just so good at talking to women. Dan is an i**ot who has ruined his own relationship out of a cowardly deference to the manchild behaviour of his friends. He deserves them and you deserve better. ‘I’m just joking!’ is the catchphrase of people to cowardly too stand by their own s**tty views when challenged.

taiwansteez −  A group of programmers in their 30s gettting dinner at Hooters is already cringy AF. Let alone bringing your GF…. These guys are a walking stereotype lmao.

[Reddit User] −  Repeat after me: I don’t need a “good reason to break up with someone. Wanting to break up is ENOUGH of a reason!!! Please don’t ever feel like you have to justify staying or leaving. You dont!!!

GloriouslyGlittery −  Your boyfriend took you to Hooters, had his coworkers be patronizing assholes to you, and is now mad because you didn’t enjoy it. Your next date will probably be at a strip club where he has his friends quiz you about your s**ual history and he’ll expect a blowjob in the parking lot as an expression of your gratitude afterwards.

Jadzia81 −  He is super cringey and they were gatekeeping you in a way I guarantee they never would with another guy of any age. If I were you I would find someone not cringey and misogynistic. This sort of thing infuriates me. I spent 8 years in a PhD program with a bunch of bros in a related field dismissing my abilities to read foreign languages and very old texts. Sigh.

Had to be 4x as good to have them even marginally not actively dismiss me or snort upon my statements, etc. I had to put up with them to some degree and still do in the field You, on the other hand, can free yourself entirely.

Flutterbee543 −  I don’t think I could keep going out with him. Listen to your gut.

kevin_r13 −  one of my exes was a sw programmer, and she had more in common with my sw friends than she did with their gfs and wives, so at parties, she hung out with us guys. none of us made her feel uncomfortable about work stuff. your bf and his friends are not a good group of people to become involved with

When it comes to relationships, mutual respect and understanding are key. If a partner’s behavior makes you feel disrespected or diminished, it’s important to recognize how that affects your feelings. Do you think the boyfriend should have stepped in, or was this just an unfortunate misunderstanding? Share your thoughts below.