Wife’s parenting technique is negatively impacting our 5 y/o daughter

A Reddit user shares a heartfelt dilemma involving his 5-year-old daughter who has alopecia. While he and his wife initially agreed to emphasize self-love and acceptance, their daughter’s growing awareness of her condition has sparked questions and requests—such as wanting a wig like her doll’s—to help her feel more confident. The father believes addressing her feelings directly is essential, but his wife prefers to downplay the issue, hoping to teach self-acceptance. He’s seeking advice on how to discuss this sensitive topic with his wife and support their daughter in a way that prioritizes her emotional well-being.

‘ Wife’s parenting technique is negatively impacting our 5 y/o daughter’

My 5 year old daughter has alopecia. It’s an autoimmune disease for those that don’t know that attacks the hair follicles. Usually hair that falls out doesn’t grow back at all but sometimes it will. It can affect the entire body. My little girl was diagnosed at 2, and has so far only lost hair on her head. There are huge patches on the top of her head that are completely bald now There’s no cure and her mom and I had decided to avoid the risky treatment options currently available since she’s so young.

The older she gets, the more aware of her condition she obviously is. She spends a lot of time with her cousins and little girl friends that are similar ages and she’s mentioned to me countless times that she wishes she had their hair. It breaks my heart as her father. I’ve taken her to a few playdates and kids that have never met her always ask about her hair. She parrots off the explaination of the disease to them that her mom has taught her and then acts shy the rest of the time she’s there . At home she has a doll that has different wigs that she loves playing with and changing them.

I worry that my wife is not putting our daughters feelings and concerns first. She made a Facebook post about Alopecia awareness month with some pictures of our daughter’s hair loss and showed them to her. Our little one got sad seeing the picturesld the back of her head (where the hair loss is worst) and asked if she could get a wig like her dolly. Her mom said “absolutely not, you know you are just as beautiful as everyone else and you don’t need one.” As true as this is, I just want my little girl to feel confident and beautiful.

My wife believes that the best thing to do about her hair loss is to completely ignore it, and just mention what alopecia is to anyone who asks about her hair. I thought it was a good idea at first because I too want my child to love herself as she is.

However, since she has brought these issues up on her own it changes the way I look at the situation and if she wants a wig or hats or whatever to feel “normal” then I want to do that for her. Kids are also super cruel and disease or not- I worry that she will eventually be bullied due to this. How can I approach this topic with my wife and show her that this parenting technique is hurting our daughter?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

awakeningat40 −  I have a child with arthritis, it started at 2 years old. I think you need to join (if you haven’t already) local alopecia groups. The arthritis group has the children meet up once or twice a year. It was a game changer when she was young, to not be the only one. I personally think its very important to know others with the same thing. Both diseases aren’t common, so the national groups are the best way to find others.

RedReaderMan −  My wife has alopecia. She is very comfortable and confident about it, however she wears a hat in public. When she doesn’t she is constantly approached by people who want to offer their sympathies on her nonexistent battle with cancer. She got tired of launching into explanations of alopecia, that left people feeling awkward about their mistaken assumption.

It can be draining being the center of attention everywhere you go. A wig or hat can offer freedom from unwanted attention. Denying this basic level of privacy is not empowering or creating confidence, it’s doing the opposite.

EuphoricRealist −  So I get what your wife is doing but your 5 year old didn’t ask to be a crusader for alopecia. She definitely didn’t ask for her *very* personal journey to be broadcast on the world wide web. Some kids do have a passion for speaking to social media at a young age, that’s not the case here and I think it’s important for your wife to see that.

It’s a new age thing but children deserve body anonymity. In my mind, that includes what parents put on social media. Your daughter needs to find the confidence/beauty within herself before being a spokesperson. Other people gave great ideas, find a support group for children with her condition. Attend some conferences with her and your wife, get out of your own bubble.

[Reddit User] −  I get what your wife is doing, but I agree it’s wrong. I’d wager that she thinks dealing with it in this way will make kiddo tougher and unashamed of her condition. That might work for an adult with a visible condition, but children don’t have all the base coping skills to manage the mistreatment from stuff like this. If the kid wants a wig, she should get a wig. If the kid doesn’t want a wig, she shouldn’t be forced to wear it. It should be all about empowering your daughter and HER decisions about HER body, not your wife’s image. I’d try to explain that to your wife, in a kind way.

truetheripper −  get her as many wigs as she wants!! she deserves to feel beautiful. why would that be up for debate?

Dantesinferno2121 −  First off, tell your wife to take a good long look at your daughter. Look at her actions. Her feelings. She is swapping out wigs on her doll happily in a way she can’t herself do. Children project onto their toys because it helps them understand ones own self. She has also ASKED for wigs

Yes your daughter is beautiful no matter what but she is at a young age where her feelings are more vibrant than when she’s your wife age. If your wife is so okay having her daughter walk around physically and mentally uncomfortable because of her bald patches than she can too. She can shave patches off her head and go into work like that. She probably won’t.

Second, Christmas is right around the corner. You should look into some quality wigs. Something made specifically for children that isn’t made from cheap nylon, it’ll probably be the gift she appreciates and values the most.

Third, I have alopecia areata and it blows. I got diagnosed more recently so I only have a few small bald patches but my whole life my hair was what I thought to be my best feature, and when it started coming out I bawled my eyes out. I remember a clump came out basically overnight and I was devastated.

My siblings made fun of me, I had strangers ask me in public what was wrong with me. It was heartbreaking, I can’t possibly imagine how a little kid would feel. So ultimately I think you should ignore your wife’s wishes and focus on your kids wishes. When she’s an adult she can decide if she wants to walk around proudly without a wig or keep wearing them, but it should not be up to your wife when it’s making your daughter miserable

deja-who −  Your wife likes the attention she gets from it.

[Reddit User] −  I recommend getting a referral from a national alopecia group for a local therapist. Or ask her doctor. Family and individual therapy for each of you.

MistCongeniality −  Shave her head and get her some wigs. If she has giant bald patches then it’s way worse to have patches of hair and patches of bald than it is to get it over with and wear wigs. I wear wigs. Wigs are fun! I can help with wig styling and selection if you need it.

[Reddit User] −  I’ll probably get buried here but this reminds me of a post I saw recently that read something like “when I had my legs amputated I was able to add 2 inches to my height with the longer prosthetics! It was awesome.” Your daughter being able to say “when I was a little girl I could pick out ANY hair style, cut and color I wanted every day!” is the difference between her seeing her condition as something that can be made positive, or something that ruined her early life. Give her the happier version of her childhood instead of martyring her mental health for the sake of your wife’s self righteousness.