My(F18) father died and my best friend doesn’t care

A Redditor shared their heartbreak after losing their father to lung cancer, only to feel dismissed by their lifelong best friend, who seemed indifferent to their grief. Despite being there for her friend during tough times, she now feels unsupported and unsure of how to address the emotional distance. Read the story below for the full context.

‘ My(F18) father died and my best friend doesn’t care’

My father was diagnosed with lung cancer 11 months ago. This was a very hard time, my father and I were close and it was just horrible to see him this sick. My best friend and I are friends since we were both 4 years old. I thought real, lifelong friends. My best friend was on a trip in New-Zealand for most of the time when my father was ill. She did not have much internet access so we did not speak much. I informed her about my dad often but since there were some internet problems we didn’t talk much.

My father died 1.5 months ago. My best friend was back in the country for a month when it happend. Her reaction when I told about the passing; omgg i am so sorry are you ok? I said; well, not too well but what can i do.. I was obviously very sad. She then started talking about a fight she had with a friend of her. I was quite shocked but just talked along with her. My father had a small funeral, only the closest family members were allowed.

After the convo where I told my friend that he passed; she never asked about him again. This is 1.5 month ago. Not once did she ask about the funeral, how I feel, nothing. I am so baffled and sad. I always have her back when she had troubles. Now I feel like she does not care at all. What can I do? She is basically my only friend..i have social issues that’s why. TL;DR my father died and my best friend doesn’t seem to care. It hurts.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

heysuess −  I am so sorry that you’ve lost your father at such a young age. I lost my father when I was 16. I’ve been exactly where you are so I hope I might be able to help you out here. Unfortunately, it’s not all good. Teenagers tend to be fundamentally self-centered. No offense meant. It’s just kind of a fact of nature. Most kids your age are completely unprepared to deal with something as serious and impactful as this. Their typical response will be to just ignore it.

It’s awful, but they’re really not equipped to do much else. I’m sure you’ve noticed this in other areas. You probably feel that most of your peers are still living in a naïve, childish world where everything is easy and the biggest concern is who is dating who. While you have been forced to grow up and face the real world.

When my father died, I also lost my best friend and our small group that we hung out with. They stopped calling, stopped inviting me out, and I eventually quit trying. It was hard. It hurt a lot and it honestly still hurts a little bit. But as a result, I was forced to seek out new friends (I had social issues as well) and become much closer to the couple of acquaintances that didn’t push me away. I found much kinder, empathetic, and overall better people to be friends with. Those people are still my best friends.

I think you should reach out to your friend and tell her how you feel. Try not to be accusatory or attack her. Tell her that you’re having a very hard time, you miss her, and you could really use her help getting you through this. Don’t make it about the fact that she’s been neglectful because that will just make her defensive. Make it about the fact that you need her help right now. She may step up to the task or she may not, but you should let her know that you need her help.

If it doesn’t work out, you should know that there are so many other great and worthwhile people out there to make lifelong friendships with. Most people don’t end up staying best friends with the friends they made at 4. You’re going to make lots of new friends as a young adult that will be in a mental place to empathize with you, cry with you, and love you. Again, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. Please do not hesitate to seek out grief counseling and other forms of therapy.

Edit: I’d like to add a little more to give some insight into your friend’s headspace. It’s very hard to know what to do in these situations. My best friend just lost his father a few months ago and even with my experience, I still struggled to figure out what to say and how to reach out. I love the dude, but I didn’t know what he needed from me.

It may just be that she’s scared of saying something wrong and making things worse. If you reach out to her and let her know what you need from her, she might be happy to help you out. It’s very possible that she’s just scared and doesn’t know how to approach the situation.

BroItsJesus −  Honestly she’s probably trying not to bring it up in case it unravels whatever composure you’ve gained since it happened. I know that if my friends dad died I’d never mention it for fear of upsetting them. Edit: and I’m 18 also so it could well be an age thing

lacrosse- −  I mean, in all honesty she’s just a kid. And kids aren’t great at consoling others when things like this happen. Losing a parent is probably so out of her realm of understanding that she literally doesn’t know how to handle the situation. She could think that avoiding the issue all together is best because brining it up might be reminding you of it. She could definitely still care about it.

You should just speak to her and figure out what she’s thinking, and why she doesn’t seem to talk about it more. If you’re such close friends, this should be how you handle these things. Communication is a two way street.

automator3000 −  First off, sorry for your loss. Can’t imagine how that hurts to see your father die at such a young age. But to your friend: I don’t think I would know how to react at age 18 if my father had died, much less how to react if it weren’t my father, but the father of a friend had died. She could very well be thinking “the best thing I can do right now is get my BFF’s mind off of the death of her father.” So if you want to talk about it, it’s going to be up to you to bring it up.

[Reddit User] −  My best friend’s father died a few years ago, and I can tell you it’s REALLY hard to know what the right thing to do is. Do I bring it up? If I do, am I making her more sad because I’m reminding her of it? Or should I talk about other things to distract her from the pain?

I think your friend probably just doesn’t know what you want/need from her right now. I would send her a message or (if you can) talk in person that you want her to ask more often about how you’re doing, or ask you about your dad, or encourage you to tell stories, etc… See if her behavior changes, she is probably just super uncomfortable with the topic and doesn’t want to bring it up for fear of upsetting you.

stophittingthyself −  Honestly, most people don’t really know what to say in these circumstances. Especially if they’ve never been through it themselves. *Especially* if they’re only teenagers and have barely given any thought to the hardships of long term illness and mortality. It’s a difficult thing to get your head round.

When I was going through my biggest family tragedy, my best friend at the time tried to ‘cheer me up’ instead of simply consoling me. At the time I thought it was a bit insensitive but we actually spoke about it and he said that he was embarrassed that he didnt know what to say and thought because we always joked around that’s what I wanted from him. Honestly, maybe having a friend cheer me up really was the best thing at the time so I didn’t dwell in the grief.

I don’t think it means she doesn’t care about you. But she has no idea what to say or do so is just avoiding it. I’m not saying that makes things OK, it doesn’t, but maybe we all shouldn’t expect our mates to automatically know the right thing to say. They’re not going to have professional levels of great advice, sadly, despite how useful that would be. My advice is to do what me and my friend did and make the first step to talk about it. Maybe talk about the heavy stuff with a professional and let your friend be a friend and try to distract you and cheer you up.

FloreatCastellum −  I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is devastating and traumatic. While I haven’t lost a parent yet, my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer last year.

This is what I’ve learnt: people, especially very young people, just don’t know how to act around you. It’s scary for them too because you’re an example of how their own lives could be suddenly disrupted by the death of a parent. They don’t want to think about it and they don’t know what to say to you. They might justify it by thinking that they want to take your mind off it and talk about other things, so many will never say anything at all.

Even worse, people often say that you can always talk to them, but of course they don’t really mean it because they don’t know how to react when you do. My advice here would be to be honest and open. “Friend, I’m really struggling at the moment. I miss my dad a lot and I feel like ___”. Don’t wait for her to ask, just talk. Be aware that it might make her uncomfortable, but grief is an uncomfortable thing. In the mean time, see whether you could get some bereavement counselling – your friend is not your therapist and she has already demonstrated that she doesn’t know how to cope with this news.

Throwawayxx33x3 −  Wow. I am so o**rwhelmed by all the sweet comments. Thank you so much, it really makes me feel a lil better in these difficult times. I will politely discuss my feelings with my friend and then see how she reacts.. Thank you reddit ❤

[Reddit User] −  I’m so sorry for your loss. My father died when I was 21 so I have some experience here. I remember feeling so hurt that my friends weren’t asking me if I was okay. There was the initial “I’m so sorry, if there’s anything I can do let me know” and then they’d start talking about other things. I got really drunk one night and went home alone crying, didn’t tell any of them I’d left (we all lived together at uni) and was furious at them because I’d built up all this anger that they didn’t care.

One of them came and spoke to me in the morning, and I was hungover and calmed down, but still upset. I explained it to him, and he said to me “No one wants to ask you how you’re feeling about your dad, because none of us want to upset you. We thought we should distract you and talk about other stuff and keep you happy, because we didn’t want you to feel sad. We thought if you wanted to talk about it, you would and we’d be here for you. But we’re all scared to mention it and ruin you day.”

I understood after that. My friends were all 19-21 at the time, and at that age you don’t know how to act in emotional situations. You can’t really grasp loss and grief unless you’ve been through it, and I’m guessing your friend hasn’t. It’s likely she doesn’t want to mention your dad, because she knows that will upset you. Her talking about the fight is her trying to distract you and make you feel normal. If you want to talk about your dad to her, do it. If she’s a good friend she’ll listen. She probably won’t bring it up, and I know that sounds heartless, but she doesn’t want you to be sad.

ilostmyunverifiedacc −  As it’s been said in previous comments it’s hard to consolidate someone. I’m 22 and a friends uncle died recently and I still struggled with what to say. Your friend probably thinks the best idea to help you grieve is make you think of other unrelated things. When my friends are going through rough patches I know they would much rather I continue behaving normally towards them rather than changing my behaviour because of what they are going through.