My [27M] girlfriend [27F] of three years told my mom that she doesn’t think it’ll work between us. I’m abroad finishing a trip and dreading coming home to be broken up with. How should I react?

A Reddit user (27M) shares his anxiety over an impending breakup with his girlfriend (27F) of three years, which he learned about through his mother while traveling abroad. With feelings of depression and a deep reliance on the emotional safety she provides, he’s unsure how to navigate this situation or what to do upon returning home. Read the full story below.

‘ My [27M] girlfriend [27F] of three years told my mom that she doesn’t think it’ll work between us. I’m abroad finishing a trip and dreading coming home to be broken up with. How should I react?’

To be honest I’d been considering breaking up as well. Our s** life has been poor by my measure for months. She has been waiting for a proposal that I feel we’re nowhere near ready for. But, and this is selfish, I have never felt safer than with her. She cuddles me and strokes my head and tells me she loves and believes in me. She helps me improve and wants me to be better than I already am.

I struggle with depression and I really don’t know if I can go back to being alone after three years of this safety. Moreover, I took an extra week on a family vacation and let everyone go back including her while I travelled for a week. She apparently told my mom on the flight back that “she thinks this will be her last trip with my family and that things won’t work out with me”. She also asked my

Mom not to tell me so as not to ruin the remainder of my trip but Mom didn’t want to keep secrets from me. I understand my mom’s reasoning but now it’s all I can think of and I’m going to obsess over this. I’m freaking out.

Edit: just to be clear I did ask, twice, if she would like to join me. I just love Italy, I don’t really regret having made the choice to stay.

tl;dr how to react healthily to an impending breakup that I cannot reveal I know about to my partner?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

degeneratescholar −  It sounds like she senses you’re just keeping her around as a security blanket and she knows the relationship has run its course. Don’t waste her time if you’re one foot out the door.

waltherppk01 −  If you’re depressed and unstable without her, you’re actually depressed and unstable *with* her and the good feelings she gives you mask the depression. I can’t imagine she would tell this to your mother and expect her not to tell you. She was probably hoping that your mom would tell you.

You write like you can’t live without her yet you say you aren’t ready for marriage after 3 years and that’s fine but you can’t expect her to wait forever. It’s nice for you to have that “safety” but it’s not her responsibility.

Just ask your gf about it. Maybe it’ll lead to a meaningful conversation that will strenghten your relationship or end it. One way or the other, it needs to be had and you need to be in therapy. And if you are, maybe you aren’t listening to your therapist.

Ellixandra −  Tbh, from what you said, it sounds like your girlfriend would be correct in wanting to separate and I think you probably know that it isn’t lining up correctly for you either. It does honestly seem like you’re taking more from her then you’re able to give because you struggle with mental health (which isn’t your fault so please don’t misunderstand at all, but she has to take care of her needs too).

But this is just my interpretation of your post, I could be misunderstanding things too and you know your situation much better than an outsider who read a few paragraphs about it. Anyway, supporting someone else while only getting a reserved amount in return eats away at a person after a while, if she’s getting bitter toward the situation then that’ll only make you both miserable so the kindest thing for both of you would be to part ways I think.

It seems like you need to keep working on self-love and your own journey to feeling safe and ok in yourself while she needs to find someone who is ready to give the same amount she is in the relationship so that she can feel supported and valued, not just like someone else’s safety net. I wouldn’t like to feel that way in a relationship if I was her and you don’t seem like a bad person or anything so I doubt you’d want to make someone feel that way either.

Anyway you should just be honest I think and say that yes, your mom mentioned it when the subject comes up once you’re done with holiday. It seems like everyone is trying to avoid confrontation because it’s uncomfortable but breakups are a confrontation by their nature, regardless of whether it ends on good or bad terms.

No one has anything they should feel bad about in the situation, not you, not your mom, and not her (other than the grief and disruption that comes with breaking up). You two are just different people with different needs, even if you love one another.

And your mom was just put in a situation she shouldn’t have been, that was a mistake on your girlfriend ‘s part (she’s human though and people make mistakes). Anyway try not to forget that a lot of great things happen with breakups too, like excitement, time for hobbies and friends, and personal growth. Best of luck and sorry for the essay!!

Apocketfulofwhimsy −  27 years old and 3 years of dating is a pretty common “move forward or end it” step. You have no desire to move forward and she does. So, yeah, seems like it’s over. You react by letting it happen. Do you even love her? You describe her as a security blanket and mommy (with insufficient bang) essentially. She deserves better than that. If you don’t love her, want to marry her, then let her go. Nobody deserves to be kept around because it’s better than you being alone.

Also, if she’s constantly having to emotionally support you and you treat her as your security blanket, that could easily be the explanation for your faltering s** life. On top of knowing you don’t have any particularly strong future goals with her.

UnsightlyFuzz −  Bear in mind that you only know what was said through the intermediary of your mom. It may well be that your girlfriend was feeling sad that she can’t relate to you as well as she once did, but is not planning to d**p you.

Perhaps your depression is more debilitating in a relationship than you are aware of (sometimes depressed people think it is themselves who are feeling down, when in fact it’s all one’s close associates too). If there is true affection, couples counseling might be indicated. So maybe you need to work harder to keep this relationship healthy, but you really don’t know until you get back and talk to her.

I wouldn’t keep the broken confidence by your mother to yourself. Admit that the girlfriend’s remark got repeated, and gave you a lot to think about. And think you did! This could be the occasion for a healthy boost between you and your girlfriend.

Cool_Ad4085 −  You: my gf who is my security blanket doesn’t have great s** with me anyone and I want to break up; she wants to break up too. Boo hoo, how do I make her not break up so I could waste another 3 years of her life so she could soothe my aching soul?. Me: 👁👄👁 bruh

herebecauseimbored20 −  It sounds like you’re using her. It’s unfair to keep her around just for security without giving her much in return. You should probably take the breakup in stride and then work on yourself.

Tinkerrific −  My mom told my wife that my sister didn’t like her and it led to some frosty interactions for a while until I found out from my sister that’s not at all what she had said or meant. It’s like that old telephone party game where people whisper a message to each other and when it gets back to the source it’s completely different. Talk to your gf before you reach any conclusion.

iamthenightrn −  Sounds to me like you already have one foot out the door but are reluctant because you’ll miss your feel good girl and security blanket. That’s Horribly unfair to her, yet you seem entirely focused on yourself and YOUR feelings.

YOU don’t think you’re having enough s**. YOU don’t want to be alone. YOU don’t want to lose your security blanket because she makes you feel good about yourself. YOU don’t think 3 years is long enough to commit to someone.. But what do you, do for her?

CatsDownHere −  Dude this woman is your crutch. You’re not really all that compatible, you just like having a companion you can be codependent with. You’re responsible for your mental health, not her. You need to get on top of that, because when you guys break up, you’re going to need to have a good core foundation for yourself to build from. You put too much on the line with your self worth by investing in relationships which aren’t really anything more than… well, you’re living it, man.

Breakups are never easy, especially when intertwined with mental health struggles and emotional dependency. It’s essential to approach the situation with honesty and self-awareness, allowing both partners the freedom to express their feelings and move forward healthily. Have you ever faced an unexpected breakup, or had to confront difficult truths in your relationship? Share your thoughts and advice below.