My (29f) husband (39m) doesn’t get that meeting my needs and running errands isn’t self care for Moms.

A Redditor (29F) shares a common frustration many moms face—having their basic errands and hygiene treated as “me time” by their spouse. With a husband (39M) who doesn’t seem to grasp the need for actual self-care, she’s struggling to find a way to communicate her needs without feeling guilty. Read the full story below.

‘ My (29f) husband (39m) doesn’t get that meeting my needs and running errands isn’t self care for Moms.’

My husband seems to think that stuff like having a quick shower after going without for 5 days, running into the grocery store by myself for 25 minutes, or getting a quick basic haircut after 2 years of not getting it done, or simply any time where he is watching the kids all count towards my self care “me time”…

I kind of think that this stuff just counts as maintaining basic hygiene and doing chores/errands. My husband goes out for a few drinks 2-4 times a month. So tonight he’s going out and I said I was jealous, it sounds nice to go out a have a few drinks without the kids. I don’t really get to do stuff like that for me.

He said that I am going to a Drs appointment tomorrow and that’s for me, it’s something I wanted to do. I told him a DRs appointment isn’t the same as going out for drinks, it’s not enjoyable or stress relieving. He just kinda brushed it off. I’m still so mad that he thinks those 2 things are at all equal.

I just don’t know how to get it through his head that I need actual time for stress relief. He always acts like if I want to go out for a coffee or have a glass of wine and have a nice bath or something that I’m taking extra time on top of all the “me time” he thinks I’m already getting. Like I am unfairly burdening him with watching the kids when he already works 8hrs a day.

He just was on 3.5 months of parental leave and said it’s so stressful watching the kids 24/7 and would give me breaks a lot. I thought he finally understood what it’s like. How do I make him get it? Taking time for myself isn’t nice when I know I’ll just get lectured on how the kids were screaming and it was so hard on him the whole time.

TL:DR My husband thinks any time he is watching the kids is self care, stress relief time for me. How do I get him to understand it’s not?

See what others had to share with OP:

serefina −  \ Taking time for myself isn’t nice when I know I’ll just get lectured on how the kids were screaming and it was so hard on him the whole time. Don’t give into the guilt trip. I’m sure they scream when you are watching them and it’s hard for you too. Such is the life of a parent. You want to go out for drinks? Make a date and go.

cathode_pizza −  You went 5 days without a shower?? And then when you took one, he considered it “me time”? I’m so offended for you 😅

Naughtyexperiences −  He understands it. He just doesnt care and doesn’t want to do more work.

ChillWisdom −  He wasn’t even helping when he was on parental leave. This is your life now. My sister has a similar situation and so did I 10 years before her. We both realized that being a single mom was actually easier.

If you’re doing all the childcare and housework anyway, may as well not have the added grief of a man that doesn’t help and also wants his meals made for him and wants to be c leaned up after. My ex even called it “babysitting” while he cared for our kids when I was at work. I had my me time when they went to daddy’s for visitation. Advice from me is to tell him that you two get marriage counseling or he can start cutting child support checks.

TheSuperJay −  This does sound a *lot* like wilful ignorance. Absolutely no one would consider what you’re referring to “me time”. I can see his point of view though (SEE, not agree), he is confusing self-care and recreational time with “anything away from the kids”. By that logic, he spends 40 hours a week having “me time”. He just calls it “being at work”.

Perhaps if you explained it to him like that the penny might drop? This is how resentment brews, however it’s not beyond saving. Try to put things in terms he’ll understand. The kids aren’t just a burden, they’re your children.

Yes I know kids can be little bastards now and then but, as I’m sure you know, this is part of being a parent. He shouldn’t be considering *every* moment with them a burden and *every* moment away a treat. That aside though, just express to him that just because the kids aren’t present doesn’t instantly equal rest, relief and relaxation.. Good luck 😊✌️

ApartLocksmith1 −  He knows full well a doctor appointment isn’t “me time”. He’s being deliberately obtuse in the hope that it’s too much trouble to explain to him (argue) that it’s not and you just walk away.

Start scheduling time away for yourself. When he announces that he’s going out with the boys on Friday, be ready with “cool, I’m going out with the girls on Saturday, you’ll be fine with the kids”. Also, when he gets out of the shower, ask him if he enjoyed his “self care” time. Make the point that if your shower counts as “me time”, so does his.

Finally, it sounds like he’s babysitting or “helping with the kids”. The whole mindset needs to change. “You’re raising those kids buddy, you’re parenting! Either step up or ship out” He’s taking the time away to enjoy himself. You don’t need permission to do the same. Make plans and see them through.

[Reddit User] −  You work 24/7 because “watching his kids for a minute” is not him parenting. You don’t get to “come home FROM work.” Meeting children’s needs all day is work. I am a parent and was a preschool teacher for many years. Being with children is exhausting because their needs are many and constant. Washing your hair, using the toilet, feeding yourself IS NOT ME TIME.

Children need a type of constant physical and emotional availability, planning and execution that takes being 100% on top of everything including everything else that is going on in the home, like maintaining it and doing laundry, cooking, Dr appointments, Dental appointments…..

Your husband just thinks you can do it all with your eyes closed and that it’s no big deal. He leaves his work at work, and gets to come home and have a change of scenery, a change of pace, some fun with his kids who were taken care of all day by you, so they are probably feeling pretty great when he gets home, if a little hungry because maybe it’s dinner time.

You need to get out of the house, away from everybody. Get a calendar where he can see it and write in your time. If my husband goes sailing or goes off with friends, I count those hours and demand them in return.

At first this pissed him off because it tapped into his own childhood crap of being forced to do more work if “caught” having fun, and he would complain that if he wanted to have fun he had to suffer for it or pay for it, and I had to raise my hand and remind him who would be doing it while he was out.

He tried to tell me that I was doing those things anyway, so it was not like I was working harder, but I reminded him that I deserved time away to do fun things too, and I deserved to have someone take up the work for me while I got to choose what I would do with several hours at a time just like he was doing. You deserve it too.

7thatsanope −  Maybe try just telling him you’re going out and he’s got the kids that night. He probably doesn’t ask your permission when he goes out, so you do the same. Give him just as much curtesy about it as he gives you.

Or, go on strike so he sees how much you actually do. Or, ideally, sit him down and spell out what you need and why you need it and that no, basic life and household sustaining tasks are not “me time” and you need free time just as much as he does. And you *will* get it because they are his kids too and he is just as responsible for them as you are.

sunologie −  Why do y’all insist on marrying and having the children of such useless men on this subreddit? I’m honestly getting a little sick and tired of young women not properly vetting men (btw I’m 22 and with ADHD + Major Depression so y’all don’t try to whine about “but they’re young that’s why,

she’s mentally ill so she was vulnerable that’s why” I’m young too and I learned my lesson in high school) ??? For the love of GOD I want women to be more aware of the type of men they are dating before getting baby trapped… I seriously do not understand. He’s trash, tell him he is to his face.

He’s not stupid, either. He understands everything, 99% of the time men do- they are just acting stupid because they don’t want to take care of the kids or do housework etc. He doesn’t care about you actually having time for yourself to ACTUALLY relax because it will come at his expense, he just wants to be absolved of taking care of the kids.. So I repeat- he is trash. Also the age gap between the two of you is a massive red flag. It seems a lot of women with these type of issues are always with men 8+ years older than them…

Edit: Just read your post history- your husband is indeed an extreme douchebag. Instead of simply telling him he is garbage you should leave him.

HummusFairy −  Oh he understands perfectly, he just doesn’t give a s**t about it or you

This story resonates with many parents trying to balance responsibilities while ensuring both partners get time for themselves. Clear communication and setting mutual expectations can help bridge the gap, but it requires effort from both sides. Have you experienced something similar in your relationship or family? How do you ensure everyone gets the self-care they need? Let us know your thoughts below!