Me [32F] with my husband[35M] of 10 years, he is divorcing me because I am infertile.

A Redditor shares a heart-wrenching story about her husband filing for divorce after ten years of marriage due to her infertility. She reflects on the toll infertility has taken on her life, the dreams they once shared, and the devastating sense of abandonment. Read her full story below:

‘ Me [32F] with my husband[35M] of 10 years, he is divorcing me because I am infertile.’

I’m an absolute wreck. Countless consultations, too many tests to counts, FIVE rounds of IVF, months of crying myself to sleep. And now the only source of happiness in my life is gone. The past year has been really difficult to me. Last July, my mother passed away and it had been her dream to see me, her only daughter, ripe with children and I’m devastated that she didn’t get to experience that.

To add to that, in November I was laid off and now the consequences of that have been coming to a head because husband and I can no longer afford another round of IVF, we can barely afford my appointments. My husband and I had been dreaming of the good life: two kids, a dog, and a pretty little house in the country. All of that came crashing down two days ago.

He had just arrived home from work and I greeted him with a smile and came towards him with the expectation of a kiss, and he walked right past me. When I turned around and ask him what was wrong, he looked at be somberly and told me to sit down. As I sat, I could feel my heart sinking in my chest, although I didn’t know why.

He placed a couple piece of paper on the table and slid them towards me and buried his head into his hands and let out what sounded like a quiet sob. I looked down, shaking, and saw that he was serving me divorce papers. Everything after that is a blur.

I have memories of him telling me that he loved me and he was so sorry, but that he had been miserable and if I wasn’t able to have a child, he couldn’t stay with me. He told me that *he* was the monster and that he couldn’t shake his “biological imperative” anymore.

We’d both agreed early on that if we couldn’t have children, we wouldn’t adopt because we wanted biological children (please don’t judge us). He used to hold me at night and tell me that he would never leave me, no matter what; that being childless was okay and I was worth it. I now know that is all a lie.

I can’t blame him though, because it was me who was hindering the relationship; I am the broken one. His sister and best friend came over yesterday to help him pack up his things and I just laid in my bed and sobbed the entire time. He has rented an apartment on the other side of town and has agreed to pay for our home for the next 4 months until I can find another job and we can sell the house.

I’m devastated. I’ve not left my bed since the night he left. I haven’t eaten anything. I feel like I’ve already died. What do I do, reddit? I haven’t had the courage to tell any of my friends or family yet because I am already shamed by them for being infertile. How could he do this to me? My life is over..

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Exis007 −  **This is the most important thing**. Do nothing with regards to the house, the money, your job, ANYTHING without talking to a lawyer. You need a lawyer yesterday. I am not going to beat this dead horse, but there might be reasons you wouldn’t want a job, shouldn’t leave the house, etc. You need legal advice before you make any changes whatsoever.. **On to the sensitive stuff**

First, as cruel and hard as this is….what can I say? Would you rather he stayed only to resent you? This is one of those situations where there are no good solutions. I know people are going to bandwagon that he’s a d**k, and he IS a d**k, but I don’t know that either of you have a lot of options here.

He can’t stay if he’s going to be miserable. I am sorry and I know that’s hard to hear right now, but it serves neither of you. This is the hell you have to walk through to get to the other side. And there IS another side. Life ISN’T over, but this one is. This man, this house, this fantasy…it is over. And you are grieving and you MUST grieve.

Something very precious died. And there’s nothing I can say or do to make it better for you because there’s no making it better. There’s just a lot of crying on the kitchen floor, eating ice cream, numbing yourself with boring television and projects and work. That’s what comes next. You cry and you shower and you cry and you check your email and you cry some more.

You’ll hate him and miss him and hate him with every fiber of your being. And you cry. And you make dinner, check the mail, throw away all your ugly clothes, read, cry, and get up the next morning. And that’s what it will be.. But not forever.

Someday, this will heal. It will heal. You will continue to travel through life and meet people and have experiences and one day you won’t remember the last time you had a good cry about this. Life isn’t over. Life has barely started. You’re in the middle of the novel, the ending is of yet unwritten. I hope desperately you have biological children, and maybe you will.

But if not, there’s a whole world of other options…and I am NOT talking about adoption, though that’s in the mix too. I am talking about a rich, happy, fulfilling life. You are not the first person to hit a brick wall. You are not the first person to have plans A, B, and C not work out. And I will not give you that ‘everything happens for a reason’ b**lshit because that’s not true.

Sometimes life just shits on you. But sometimes the bad s**t puts us on the path to find people, experiences, and desires we’d have never considered. Sometimes plan Q is a winner. You must show loyalty to the hard times. They are always going to come.

What you do with them, how you let them shape you and gild you….that’s what ultimately makes you who you are. They are different for everyone, they are always terrible, but they spit you out as something better and harder at the end of the day. You will be okay. It will be okay.

putsch80 −  I am so incredibly sorry to read this. I cannot even imagine the devastation you are going through. I wish there were magic words that could help you feel better. If there are, I don’t know them. All I can tell you is that you are more than your ability to reproduce. And you are more than your relationship with your husband.

You are still you. Sometimes the hopes and dreams we have in life don’t pan out. And when that happens, it hurts. A lot. And it’s ok to mourn to loss of those dreams. But it’s also important not to lose sight of the fact that you are still on this rock and have a life with many other opportunities for happiness in front of you.

Please remember that while this piece of your life may be coming to an end, there are still many roads ahead of you with new wonderful opportunities and people. When you are ready, don’t be afraid to start traveling down them. In the meantime, consider seeking some help from a professional psychologist or counselor to discuss your feelings and help you work through them.

toasterchild −  My ex boyfriend’s sister had this happen around age 32. She is now 40 and has a kid with someone else and her ex had no children. You never know where you will find happiness.

zizzymoo −  He told me that he was the monster. He’s right. I can’t blame him though, because it was me who was hindering the relationship; I am the broken one.
Let’s say you did have a child. And the child had Spina Bifida, or MS, or Lupus, or any number of other medical issues.

Would you consider that child to be “broken”? Of course not… so stop thinking of yourself as broken. You aren’t. You are no more at fault for this than your child would be if THEY had a medical issue. Anyone who is “shaming” you over this needs to be cut from your life, no discussion.

You have done NOTHING to feel shame for. Your husband, on the other hand? He should be walking around for the rest of his life with his head hung low, begging for crumbs. He doesn’t deserve a wife, let alone a child. He has plenty to feel ashamed for.

262Mel −  I am so sorry. I’ve been dealing with 6 years of fertility treatments and a strained marriage. PM me if you ever want to chat.

[Reddit User] −  Was surrogacy or using donor eggs not an option at all? If his sperm is fine, there are other ways for him to have bio kids with you without necessarily needing your eggs. I feel terribly for you, but if he stayed with you in the marriage it probably would have made him resentful eventually. We all have our selfish needs in a relationship, and his was a particularly big one.

beratedlime −  Your husband is a piece of s**t. Not because he wants biological children, not even because he essentially lied to you about never leaving you. People are allowed to change their minds about whatever they want.

No, your husband is a piece of s**t because he served you divorce papers out of the blue, without even talking to you about it. I am so angry on your behalf and am truly sorry for you. What a selfish, narcissistic piece of s**t.

I know this is cold comfort right now, but you will be well rid of a man who didn’t take your feelings into consideration, didn’t prepare you for what was coming after TEN years together, and who didn’t love you for who you are rather than for what you could do for him. There are many, many other men out there who can be good partners, who will work through your fertility issues with you, who will love you. Don’t give up on happiness!

finmeister −  What makes him think his sperm is so special? What’s to say his biological child wouldn’t have a developmental delay, and a child that you adopted together wouldn’t grow up to cure cancer? I really don’t understand the “he’s not a d**k” comments because he IS a d**k. He IS wrong. Life does not come with guarantees.

I’m healthy now, I could be diagnosed with cancer next month. I hope my boyfriend wouldn’t leave me because he “only wanted a healthy girlfriend”. You and your husband both wanted children. That wasn’t in the cards for you. I understand that’s disappointing and frustrating. But I don’t see how that means he can’t love YOU.

I don’t see how that means you couldn’t revisit your views on adoption (whether or not you would have chosen that is of course up to you). He’s selfish, weak, and immature and I’m so sorry, OP, that you had to find out this way, but he wouldn’t have been the father that you’d have wanted for your children anyway.

What if your baby had been born with Down’s Syndrome or another delay? What if your perfect child had an accident at 10 years old and became paralyzed? You know now how he would have handled that. I know this hurts terribly but you’re better off with out him. I will keep you in my thoughts that someday, you will be able to have children, or will meet a wonderful man with kids, who had a POS s**t wife like your husband.

[Reddit User] −  39 year old male here. I always wanted kids, two in fact. We were lucky enough to have them. If it turned out my wife couldn’t conceive and we weren’t going to have kids, I would be sad, she would be sad. We’d probably have a good cry about it … the next day, I’d make her pancakes and we’d continue with our life together.

Your husband is a d**k to the n^th degree. He is selfish and he has no idea what “marriage” means. A guy like him will probably be back in a month or two later with his tail between his legs, and you might be tempted to take him back. Don’t. Find someone better, it shouldn’t be hard.

rapactor −  I dunno why all the comments are calling the ex a monster.. this is an unfortunate series of s**tty events and a lose, lose for everyone involved. All OP can do is try to move on.

This story highlights the emotional pain of infertility and the devastation of broken dreams in a marriage. How do you think society can better support individuals and couples facing such challenges? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments.