How do tell my sister her toxic marriage is why I don’t hang out with her anymore?

A woman recovering from her own abusive marriage is struggling to maintain a relationship with her younger sister, whose toxic husband mirrors her past experiences. While she loves her sister dearly, the husband’s presence is a triggering reminder of her painful history, making it difficult to spend time together. Read the full story below for the complexities and challenges she faces.

‘ How do tell my sister her toxic marriage is why I don’t hang out with her anymore?’

I (38F) am having trouble being there for my sister (32F), and I’m not sure how to tell her why. I’m about two years out of a 17-year marriage that ended extremely badly. We had issues throughout the relationship (as well as a lot of fun), but the last couple years he was intensely controlling, abusive, and violent, and since he left I’ve done a lot of work to recover and get myself in a healthy headspace.

My sister went through a rough patch around the same time my divorce started, and I learned way too much about her husband (37M) during that period to ever trust him again. They’ve been together for years and while he’s never been my family’s favorite (insufferable know-it-all, dominates every conversation, generally pretty annoying), we all just dealt with it because she loved him and we’re adults.

But since their rough patch, I haven’t been able to be around him. During that time he served her with divorce papers and told her he was going to take their <1 year old baby away and never let my sister see her again. He convinced my sister she would lose in court anyway, to the point that her plan was to give up, sign all the paperwork he gave her, and leave their baby while she moved out of state with our other sister.

This all sounds bad, but my sister is extremely naive and also has the worst anxiety I’ve ever seen. She was convinced she’d lose their baby no matter what, and she was so broken down she didn’t have it in her to fight. Anyway, she told me this plan and I successfully talked her out of it, got her a great lawyer, and she was on her way towards accepting their divorce and rebuilding her life when he suddenly changed his mind and they reconciled and have been acting like everything is fine ever since.

During her eventually-abandoned divorce, my sister was terrified of being homeless and not having anywhere to go. I was starting over too, so our plan was that I’d buy a triplex and she and her baby could live in one of the units, me in one, and our little brother (22M) in the third one. I went ahead with that plan and have just been renting out my sister’s unit and let her know it’s there if she needs it.

I cannot be around my sister’s husband at all. I’ve seen behind the scenes. I know he’s abusing her emotionally, financially, and I strongly suspect physically too, although she’d never admit it. I am aware that the right thing to do here is support her decision, and grin and bear his company, but I can’t do it. I get that it’s immature of me, but the situation is too much like my own marriage, and I won’t be within 100 feet of it. I especially don’t want him in my new home, which for two years has been a happy, heathy, peaceful safe zone.

My sister basically won’t leave the house without this man (because of her anxiety and also his control issues), and they are literally ALWAYS together. She posted on Instagram a few weeks ago about being sad and confused about why her family never spends time with her anymore. I’d like to gently explain the situation to her, but I’m not sure how to tactfully say “it’s not you, it’s your awful abusive husband we can’t stand.” Looking for advice on how to softly tell her I’m here if she needs me but that I’m unwilling to be around her husband.

TL;DR How do I tell my sister that I love her and want a relationship but that I can’t be around her abusive husband because he triggers my own relationship baggage?

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Ladyughsalot1 −  This is tricky because right now, she’s in a dangerous phase. The phase where they’ve reconciled, and it’s them against the world. Understand first and foremost: anything you say right now WILL get back to him. My suggestion is to make it clear that you simply want to spend time with just her. Don’t say it’s an issue with him. Become a broken record and let her make the connection. “It’s really important to me that you and I can spend time together just us. Can you find an opportunity for that?”

She’s gonna push. “You don’t like him?” And that’s when you say, nope that’s not it, nothing to do with him; it’s really important to me that you and I have opportunities to spend time together, just us. Keep him out of it. Will it be very obvious that he is the problem? Yes. Can you afford for those words specifically to get back to him? Nope. You’ll lose them both. She will follow him because you’ll become the enemy.

Ask after him. He’s good? Good to hear it. Call her for catch-ups. Make it clear you want the relationship with her. This is not about him (even though of course it is). As time goes on and they go into different phases of this cycle you’ll be able to address things more directly. For now, I’d start here.

-kati −  Seconding other comments. You cannot tell her you don’t like him, no matter how much you want to. I was in a similar situation with a friend and their abusive SO. SO was one of the most horrendous personalities I’ve ever met, AND hated me to boot, but still insisted on coming along to everything my friend and I did together.

I became very proactive about scheduling girls’ nights, hangouts while SO was out of town, and lots of activities SO hated with a passion. It was a good way to spend time with my friend and avoid the SO. I never badmouthed SO, no matter how difficult it was. Thankfully, they broke up, and my friend is now seeing someone wonderful.

I don’t recommend cutting off your relationship with your sister, nor do I recommend telling her why. She needs to realize on her own that he sucks, and she needs to know she’s still got someone who cares about her and will offer her an out if she seeks it.

sweadle −  I have had several friends in abusive relationships, and have had to learn how to support them without enabling or normalizing their abuse. It’s something I’ve talked to a lot with organizations that work with domestic abuse victims, and I’ve also talked a lot with people who have come out of abusive relationships themselves.. The things you want to avoid are:

1. Pushing her to leave.
2. Always bringing the conversation back to how wrong she is and how badly she needs to get out.
3. Putting her down for not leaving yet, or talking to her in a way that belittles her or berates her.

Part of the reason you need to avoid these things is because the abuser is already doing them. He’s already pushing her to stay. He’s already belittling her ability to act for herself or stand up for herself. He’s already telling her she is incompetent. Having two people yell the same thing at you doesn’t help you see things clearly. And the abuser will always win out because he is able to be around her more and has shaped her view of the world.. Here are things you SHOULD do.

1. Treat her abuser like an abusive person. Meaning, don’t spend time around him. Don’t engage with him. You don’t need to say anymore than “I’m sorry, I can’t spend time with him. But I’d love to see you.”
2. Try to keep a relationship that’s just between you and her. Meaning, spend time one on one (if he lets her). Help her keep a life and identity outside of the relationship (something he’s trying to keep her from doing.) This probably means saying “I don’t want to spend time around your husband, but I’d love to have lunch every week just the two of us.”

3. Express trust and confidence in her ability to handle herself and her agency in the situation. This is hard, because a person in an abusive relationship is NOT acting in her own best interest or acting with agency. But part of that is because her abuser is telling her she’s worthless, nothing without him, useless, incompetent, and completely reliant on him. The way to combat that is to TREAT her like she’s the person she was before her abusive relationship. So if she says “My husband yelled at me for burning dinner” instead of saying “He shouldn’t do that, he’s so abusive!” you could say “Wow, that’s awful, it must be hard to stand up for yourself to him but I’m sure you’re going to be able to.”

4. Avoid blaming. Avoid blaming her for choosing him, blaming her for missing red flags, and blaming her for staying. She already feels ashamed of all those things. Shame paralyzes people. It makes them feel like they are stuck. You are trying to help her realize she’s NOT stuck. In your situation I would make sure you are not blaming or shaming yourself for your abusive relationship around her. Abusers come in all shapes and sizes. We could all be manipulated into an abusive relationship by the right person. Abusers are very good at getting people to stay, otherwise they would have no one to abuse. No one should be ashamed of finding themselves in the situation, just empowered to leave when they are ready.

5. Lean on the phrase “when you’re ready.” It can be hard to listen to someone complain about being abused when they’re not trying to leave or recognizing it as abuse. So if she has lunch with you and starts telling this story about him abusing her, you can say “Wow, that’s hard for me to hear. I hope when you’re ready, you can stand up for yourself.”

6. Don’t normalize the abuse by acting like the stuff she is telling you is okay. But you should use neutral, non-shaming or blaming language to react to it. “That’s hard for me to hear.” “That sounds awful.” “I wish you didn’t have to experience that.” “I hope that changes.”

A way to mentally imagine the way you handle this is, someone is stuck in a burning house. They need to get out, but they won’t move. You want to just run in there, throw them over your shoulder, and get them out. But you can’t. They’re too heavy, and they refuse to move. They HAVE to want to leave. So what you do is stand by the exit and hold it open. You’re reinforcing that there is an exit. It’s right here. They can stay if they want to, but it’s their choice, and at any moment they want to leave, you’ll be there to help them.

You have to be that doorway to leaving. Affirm who they are and help them keep a hold of their sense of self by spending time with them away from their abuser, doing things she likes, and talking about other things besides the relationship. This holds the door open and says “Remember, there is a whole world outside of this person.”

Using neutral language that isn’t blaming or shaming her, or combative towards him, when she brings up abuse, reminds her that there is a whole world out there that thinks she doesn’t deserve the situation she’s in, and would support her if she left. Remember, he’s saying “This is your fault, if you weren’t so X I wouldn’t have to treat you this way.” And you’re saying “Wow, that’s awful, I hope there is a time when you aren’t treated that way.”

Avoiding pressuring her, so she can cycle through her desire to leave or attempts to leave without feeling like if she tries to leave, and fails, she will be judged or even more isolated. (Most people take at least 8 attempts to leave an abusive relationship. So think of it as her starting to walk towards the door in the burning house, and then getting scared and going back. You just stay holding the door. The door is always open. She can start and stop, and try, and retreat, and nothing changes. The door remains open.)

That all being said it is also okay (and healthy!) to set boundaries with her about her husband. You can tell her that it’s hard for you to be around him when he treats her badly, so you’d rather just hang out the two of you sisters. You can say “I am having a hard time hearing you talk about the way he treats you. I don’t want to get involved, but can we talk about something else?” Or “It’s really upsetting to hear you tell this story and knowing the situation you’re in. I don’t know if I can be a supportive listener without giving you advice you don’t want to hear.”

And you can be pretty blunt. “I love you, and I support you. When you’re ready to leave, I’m here. But I can’t handle listening to you talk about the way he treats you like it’s normal. It’s painful for me to know you’re being treated that way, and I know you’re not ready to leave, but I can’t be a person treats this like a normal.” (I will say when I’ve said the above to some friends, they stopped talking to me at all. That’s a risk you take.) Sometimes shutting down someone’s ability to complain makes them have to actually deal with the things that are happening.

MLeek −  Respecting her choice just means that, respecting it was hers to make and she made it. “Sister, I love you and I accept your choice, but the way he behaved was unacceptable to me. I don’t invite people into my life who treat others that way. I would end a friendship with any man who treated his wife the way he treated you. Just because you’re ready to forgive him doesn’t mean I am. I am still angry with him and I get to be angry with him. For our relationship as sisters to work, we’re going to have to make time as sisters, without him involved.”

If he has a problem with her seeing you without him (and he will) you will need to point out to her gently but clearly, that he is purposely isolating her from others who worked to protect her when he was at his most abusive and who would try to protect her again if he decided to harm her again. You can respect her choice if she doesn’t want to see you, but you’ll be here for her when she changes that choice. All you can do is keep the door open and hope one day she walks through it.

1thruZero −  My sister is in a similar boat, I can’t stand her husband, so I just told her that so long as I have a home, she and her kids have a home. When she asked about her husband I simply told her “I don’t like him. I think he’s abusive towards you. I will never help him. I will always help you.” She’s been coming for visits without him more and more over the years and stays longer and longer each time. I suspect it’s practice for the eventual divorce, but I don’t mention it.

It’s her life and she’ll do it at her own pace. I’m just here to catch her if she falls. But yeah, let your sister know exactly where you stand and that you’ll always be there for her no matter what. A lot of people stay in bad situations because they don’t have a way out. Having a guaranteed way out is empowering. Good luck.

BrokenPaw −  The one thing you *cannot* do is give her reason to believe that it’s because of him in particular. The reason for that is because in the situation she is in, she thinks that you don’t approve of him or of their marriage (in fact, if she thinks anything other than that you support him and their marriage completely), there’s every likelihood that it will cause her to dig in her heels and cling to him even harder. The issues with and within her marriage are an issue for another day.

Right now the important part is for you to maintain a connection with your sister, both for your benefit and for hers. Can you draw on that “sister” connection, and put it in terms about how you need to spend time with her, but because of what you went through in your own marriage, tell her that you need some “girls only” time with just the two of you? “Nothing about your husband, no, I just need to not be around *any* men for a while”, or something like that? Or tell her that you have stuff that you want to discuss sister-to-sister that’s private?

The goal here is to figure out ways of inviting her to spend time with you, without him, without it seeming like it’s *him in particular* you are trying to exclude. If it’s “all men” that you need to be away from (because of your own history), or “everyone but her” you want to exclude, because you have a private matter to discuss, you at least have a plausible reason to get together with her and not him, that won’t put her on the defensive about him.

AmberSnowSex −  Thanks everyone for the (mostly) thoughtful advice. I’m going to read through all the comments more carefully this evening, but I really appreciate all the input. I’m under no delusion I can convince her to leave, and I’m doubtful I could even talk her into any one-on-one time (though I will try). Still, it’s been helpful to read all the different ways to broach the subject and let her know I’m there for her. And yeah I agree bad-mouthing him isn’t going to get me anywhere.

AMerrickanGirl −  Just be honest. “I’m always here if you need me and I’ll come running when you’re ready to get out of there, but I can’t stand Chad and that’s why I don’t visit often”.

MetaverseLiz −  I was in an abusive marriage. When I left, my family came out of the woodwork saying “I never liked him”, etc. It was very hurtful. So now if I see a friend in a s**tty relationship, I TELL THEM. I would rather say something and lose a friendship than not say anything and something bad happen to them.

Sometimes people just don’t listen to reason, just be there when they snap out of it, especially if it’s running from an abusive relationship. They will appreciate you more in the long run because you were trying to stand up for her. I don’t know what you can do legally, but I know there must be information out there on family of people in abusive situations.

brand2030 −  I get that it’s immature of me. Don’t be so hard on yourself, OP – you can’t unlearn what you’ve seen. I would just tell her that, even if she is unlikely to know how to process it. Finding a good counselor for yourself could be an intro to her in the future.

A woman recovering from her own abusive marriage is struggling to maintain a relationship with her younger sister, whose toxic husband mirrors her past experiences. While she loves her sister dearly, the husband’s presence is a triggering reminder of her painful history, making it difficult to spend time together. Read the full story below for the complexities and challenges she faces.