AITA for having my mom come over so I could take a shower while she watched my newborn?

A Reddit user shared her experience of calling her mom over to watch her newborn so she could take a much-needed shower in peace. While the user felt it was a small step toward self-care, her husband was upset, claiming he could have watched the baby himself and accusing her of making him look bad.

Was she wrong for asking for help, or was it a reasonable move for a new mom craving a moment of peace? Read the full story below!

‘ AITA for having my mom come over so I could take a shower while she watched my newborn?’

My husband and I had a baby 2 weeks ago. She is strictly breastfed and not only does she cluster feed but she also just finds comfort in being close to me.

Therefore, there’s not much I can do without her and more often than not, I’m completely okay with that. But one thing this does mean is that I don’t get to shower by myself.

I’ve showered once by myself since having her and it only lasted long enough for me to soap up before she was crying and my husband was bringing her in to me. I think I literally had all of 2-3 minutes.

With that said, my husband of course hasn’t had to change his life around at all. Every day and nearly every night he is taking 30-60 minute uninterrupted showers. He doesn’t understand the frustration I get whenever he showers.

That’s the only thing that bothers me. I want to shower. I want to sit under the water and relax my muscles. But like I said, every time I attempt it, the baby starts crying and he brings her in to the shower with me instead of trying to calm her down himself and he says it’s because he knows that showers calm her down and he doesn’t like her crying (he feels bad- like it nearly makes him cry whenever she does).

So I get his thought process but it feels like a cop out at the same time. So I called my mom and asked her to come watch the baby so I could shower and shave my legs because I’ve literally been attempting to shave my legs for 5 days now and it’s all patchy because I keep having the baby handed off to me.

I need to self care. My husband was home when I asked my mom to come by. I didn’t tell him. She shows up and takes the baby and I go to shower. My husband comes in at some point and asks why my mom is here and I tell him I asked her to come by so I could shower without the baby being handed off to me.

He says “I could have watched her, why would you do that?” So I said “every time you watch her while I shower, she ends up in here with me within 2 minutes of me being in here because you don’t even try to calm her down.”

Now he thinks I’m an AH because I “never told him to keep the baby out of the shower”, despite me specifically saying I wanted to relax and self care multiple times. AITA? He says I’ve now made him look bad to my mom.

Check out how the community responded:

QuietCelery7850 −*My husband comes in at some point and asks why my mom is here and I tell him I asked her to come by so I could shower without the baby being handed off to me.So even with your mother there, he didn’t let you shower in peace?

katie-kaboom −  You are NTA, but listen: You take your showers, okay? The baby will be fine. She can cry for a few minutes and still be all right. She’s not going anywhere, and there is no emergency in a healthy and well-tended baby’s life that can’t wait five minutes for you to wash your hair, I promise.

And in the meantime, your husband will have some bonding time, which it sounds like he needs. While I’m at it, you also eat your meals, go to the toilet, and put her down if your arms are tired. She’ll be fine.

angel9_writes −  He made himself look bad to your mom. He needs to step up and step up now.. He can parent her too. He’s acting more like a baby than your baby.. NTA

solo_throwaway254247 −  NTA. Husband wasn’t being thoughtful. You found a way around it. And now even knowing how hard it’s been for you, he’s still not actually concerned about you, he’s just worried about how it (he) looks to your mum. Which makes him an even bigger a-hole.

Is it possible to lock the bathroom door when you take a shower? For the times your mum can’t come over.. Edited.
Edit 2: If according to hubby, showers calm her down, why isn’t he taking her on his 30-60 minute showers? Per his logic those would be super calming for her.

Edit 3: For people saying communication is the problem. That’s not it. This is a woman who gave birth 2 WEEKS AGO (and so is still healing), exclusively breastfeeding and barely has time to shower. Picture that. Imagine how she looks like. It would be pretty easy to see she’s exhausted.

The problem is a selfish man who is acting like nothing in his life has changed (that’s why he’ll take 30-60 minute showers while his wife can’t even manage a 2-3 minute one). He doesn’t want to be inconvenienced. And wants kudos for doing the bare minimum.

That’s why even the MIL coming over to help is not a realization for him that his partner needs a break. But it’s him butting into the shower, blaming her for her current circumstances and for making him look bad.

If he was as clueless as he pretends to be, his MIL coming over would have been a lightbulb moment and he would have gotten his ass in gear to be a better father and partner.

SushiGuacDNA −  NTA. You aren’t an a**hole, but your husband needs to grown and learn how to comfort a crying baby! As a father, I can say there were plenty of times when neither my wife nor I could get our baby to quiet down right away.

Sometimes you just hold and comfort them while they cry for a bit. He can do that just as well as you. Something I’ve noticed is that some moms stop their husbands from learning because they takeover at the first sign of trouble.

It doesn’t sound like you are doing this but I mention it because it’s a common pattern. Dad is holding a crying baby and within 30 seconds Mom takes it away from him saying, “Here, let me do that…”

While you are at it, make sure he learns to change the diaper. My wife’s motto was, “I am in charge of input and you are in charge of output.” (She was b**ast feeding.)

Mehitabel9 −  I’ve showered once by myself since having her and it only lasted long enough for me to soap up before she was crying and my husband was bringing her in to me. Your husband is being a crappy father and a crappy partner. This is weaponized incompetence, and you need to nip that ish in the bud.

Having your mom come over is not a long-term solution. Dealing with your husband’s laziness and irresponsibility is. And if that means you have to spell everything out to him in great detail like he is a not-very-bright five-year-old, then spell it out.

“I’m going to take a shower and dry my hair (or whatever ‘me time’ thing you need to do for yourself). I’m going to be in the bathroom for about 30 minutes. If the baby starts crying, walk around with her until she calms down, but do not bring her in to me, because I will not take her back off your hands until I am ready to do so.”

And then if he does try to hand her back to you before you are ready to take her, say NO. Lock the bathroom door if you have to.

MercifulOtter − NTA.He needs to learn how to be a father.Tell him to ask your mother for advice on how to calm down a baby.

[Reddit User] −  He’s super immature. He should be caring for you and the baby, and it sounds like he doesn’t know how or doesn’t care. You are NTA. But he needs to grow up and stop being so dense and selfish.

[Reddit User] −  NTA your husband needs to get a grip and not take his infant’s crying so personally. He is almost crying when the baby cries!? What the actual f**k is this? It’s perfectly fine for a baby to cry a bit – if they’re not in pain or danger.

His solution to being *drastically uncomfortable* with a baby crying is to make you fix it without a second thought; rather than address the real issue of his discomfort and cluelessness.

Why is he worried about making you look bad to your mom? He should be worried about you not being able to take basic care of yourself. I hope you vocalize this in a proactive way- it doesn’t sound like he has grasped how much your self care has slipped.

Ok_Yesterday_2884 −  Please show your husband my comment. Hi there. Don’t worry I’m not going to tear you a new AH. Here’s the deal. She’s tried telling you but you didn’t hear her. You need to adjust to being a dad.

This means taking care of the baby so your wife can take a shower in peace. Oh and… don’t call a person that just birthed a human an AH. It really doesn’t make you look good.

Do you think the mom’s request for help was justified given the circumstances, or should her husband have stepped up instead? How would you balance self-care and shared parenting responsibilities in this situation?

Share your thoughts and advice in the comments below!