I (21F) set up a date between my two friends (29M/25F). Something went wrong that night and now my guy friend won’t talk to me.

A Reddit user (21F) tried to set up her two friends, Chuck (29M) and Britt (25F), on a date. While the evening started well, Chuck abruptly ended it and has since cut off communication with the user. Chuck’s behavior has left the user feeling hurt and confused, especially since she believes he may be struggling with emotions related to his late wife. Read the original story below:

‘ I (21F) set up a date between my two friends (29M/25F). Something went wrong that night and now my guy friend won’t talk to me.’

I met my friend Chuck (29M) about 1.5 years ago. We were both part of an online local group for single parents, and eventually met offline with other group parents. I have known Britt (25F) since high school. Chuck’s wife died of childbirth complications the day their daughter was born, more than two years ago. Britt is a few months out of a 9-year relationship.

Both of them have expressed wanting to meet other people, and I thought they’d be good for each other because of common interests and we all have kids of similar ages. Two days before Christmas, Chuck and Britt went out on their first date. I kept Chuck’s daughter at my house so the two could have some more time together without him having to worry about the baby.

The plan was for her to spend the night (she’s done it before and gets along great with my 3 year old girl), but Chuck knocked on my door at 11pm to get his daughter. He barely said a word to me and I could tell he had been crying, but he wouldn’t tell me what was wrong. The next day, I asked Britt what happened. She said that they had dinner and a couple drinks, things were going excellent.

She said she felt like they had great chemistry and were even getting physical at his house, but he suddenly told her to stop and to leave immediately. She swears that she has no idea what she did wrong and is really hurt by the whole thing. I believe her because she is really sweet and social, I’ve never seen her do anything to p**s anyone off.

I tried to talk to Chuck at the same time to get his side of the story and see what went wrong. All he said that he “wasn’t feeling it” and didn’t want to discuss it further. I didn’t push it, but when I went to wish him a merry Christmas a day later, I saw he had deleted me from his social media. I texted it to him instead and asked “you okay?” but no response. I am seriously hurt and don’t know what to do.

Chuck has become one of my closest friends, and our daughters are the best of friends too. I am really worried that this has something to do with his wife, and I want to apologize if he felt like I was pressuring him to date after her death. At the same time, I don’t want to overstep boundaries and bother him when he’s having a hard time. It’s been over a week and I’m worried/upset.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

[Reddit User] −  chucks daughter will be a constant reminder of his late wife. he still hasnt finished grieving and /or isnt ready to move on. Guilt about enjoying female company and getting physical contact will be huge. He would feel he has to hide emotions from his daughter about his late wife. he has locked them away and is doing the same thing now. give him time and let him know you are there when he is ready

BeaverVest −  It sounds like he’s not ready to be dating, and he’s displacing that guilt on you as you were the one who set it up (with completely good intentions) and now he feels you’re responsible for how he feels. My suggestion would be to wait it out, it could take some time, weeks or months. If you continue to contact him often it will only make it worse and push him away.

I would let it clear, a couple weeks, and maybe once more reach out with an apology again saying your friendship and each other’s daughters’ friendship means a lot to you. If he cold shoulders you again, you need to move on. Unfortunately, life is a set of friendships that pass as our lives continue where they need to head.

DiTrastevere −  Chuck is still grieving and overestimated how ready he was to date again. Let him work it out in his heart. He may just need some time to process the fresh wave of grief he just experienced.

He may not have the words or the energy to talk about it yet, and is withdrawing so he doesn’t have to, because of course he knows you’re wondering what the f**k happened that night. He’s probably embarrassed on top of everything else. Just give him space. You’re a friend, not a caretaker. He’ll come around when he’s ready.

gawsharon −  Thanks for all of your advice, everyone. I think I will give it another week before I speak with him again. If he hasn’t reached out by then, I will tell him that I am still here if he needs to talk but I will continue to give him space if he needs that, too. I am almost 100% sure that this happened because of his wife’s death.

Another one of my friends who is still on his Facebook saw that he had changed his cover photo several times since Christmas, and all of them were from his wedding.
I’ll give an update if anything happens. I’m honestly surprised at how much attention this got.

MuzzleSweepTheFloor −  He has unresolved issues with his wife. Give him space for a while. Being out with your friend probably brought up lots of memories. Not his fault. All you can do is give it time and be there for him. Let him bring it up in his own time if he wants to discuss what happened.

Clamdilicus −  Chuck has only been a widow for two years. This is probably his first date since her death. He probably feels guilty for being with someone new.

AatroxIsBae −  Oof. He’s still grieving. Definitely. Losing someone you love is a deep wound that never fully heals. It’s not your friend, it’s not you, it’s a him thing, please understand that. Please tell your friend this too. I _heavily_ suggest grief counseling to him, especially if the kid is a look a like of his late wife. Unpacking that baggage onto an already grieving child will really hurt that child in the long run if not properly addressed

[Reddit User] −  I am about 99% sure Chuck was struck by a sudden feeling of cheating on his wife, compounded by a massive revival of grief and missing her.
You probably need to talk to Britt first, because she’s the ‘easy’ option: What she’s hurt by is a totally normal feeling of r**ection and offense at not being treated very well.

She’s likely to become significantly less upset by it all if she is able to see the events as purely being about Chuck being sideswiped and o**rwhelmed by emotions relating to his wife’s death, and as having nothing to do with her other than that she had the terrible luck to have gone on a date with a guy who still loves his wife.

Chuck is probably dealing not only with guilt and grief, but also he’s no doubt aware of having hurt Britt’s feelings. On top of that, I would say there is a significant chance he’s also really embarrassed about losing emotional control. Probably also some misc. anxiety about dating while being sole parent of a small child.

All in all, I don’t think you did anything wrong by setting them up together, but it wasn’t likely to go well because going back into dating after the death of a loved spouse hardly ever does (at least, at first). Which is not something you (or either of them) would be expected to know, unless you’d seen someone else go through the same thing.

I don’t recommend waiting another week for Chuck to reach out to you because that is potentially a week of Chuck spending a whole lot of time inside his own head thinking unhappy thoughts. Instead I suggest a text or email (something that does not demand an immediate response) telling him what you have planned to say as per your second edit. Then a week later go actually talk to him.

moonlightracer −  I’m really sorry all of this happened and you lost a friend. However, there isn’t much you can do. You’ve already reached out and he’s made it pretty clear that he needs space. Maybe text him again in a few weeks, but for now you should just respect his need for space. I know it hurts because you want answers, but pushing him to talk before he’s ready will only hurt the friendship more.

sageberrytree −  Give him a little time, and send him a note reminding him that you certainly aren’t angry, or upset, but that you care for him deeply and hope with time he can come back into your life. Maybe say you want to understand happened, but that you don’t need to know if he doesn’t want to talk about it. And that neither you nor your friend will hold it against him.

He *probably* is embarrassed, humiliated etc. But after the initial shock, he might not know how to open the door to you again after behaving badly. If you give him an opening, he might take it. But, he might not. Be prepared that he might not be able to get over it.

It’s always difficult when a close friend withdraws, especially when the situation involves sensitive emotions. How should the user navigate a situation where a friend cuts ties after a seemingly harmless attempt to help them? Should she apologize or give him space to work through his emotions? Share your thoughts and advice below.