My (28F) uncle (49M) is fixated on the idea of my husband (28M) having a mistress and getting him to say he would leave me if his mistress was pregnant
A Redditor shares a troubling family dynamic involving her uncle, who is fixated on the idea of her husband having a mistress. This stems from a scandal involving the Redditor’s cousin being pregnant with a married man’s baby, with the uncle trying to justify the man’s obligation to leave his wife. Despite her husband shutting down the comments, the uncle continues making inappropriate “jokes” that create discomfort and awkward situations. How should she handle this situation while maintaining access to her grandparents? Read her story below for the full details.
‘ My (28F) uncle (49M) is fixated on the idea of my husband (28M) having a mistress and getting him to say he would leave me if his mistress was pregnant’
My cousin is pregnant with a married man’s baby. It’s been a huge scandal in our family, but my uncle has been doing his hardest to convince everyone that my cousin is the real victim in this situation. He thinks that the married man, who has small children with his wife, should abandon them and take care of my cousin and their baby instead.
For some unexplainable reason, he has latched onto my husband to try and push this narrative that the married man has more obligation to his mistress than his wife. At first, my uncle coaxed my husband into agreeing by not giving him the whole story. I was furious and exploded at him which made my cousin cry. Now, my uncle is obsessed with the idea of my husband having a mistress.
In 2019, we took a family vacation with my extended family. During that vacation, my husband got a lot of female attention. This isn’t unusual for him; he has always got a lot of attention, so he’s used to it. There was this one particular girl though, that brazenly invited my husband to her room in front of my uncles/cousins. My uncle keeps bringing it up and mentioning how my husband must get a lot of invites like that and travelling alone must get lonely at times. Pre-COVID my husband used to travel a lot and sometimes for long stretches.
He also has outright said that my husband is in the perfect position to have several mistresses and he doubts he would ever get caught. He has asked him if he has a second family in a different country and has “jokingly” suggested he leave if his other “wife” is better looking than me.
One of the worst parts is that two of my male cousins have asked my husband if they can have the numbers of anyone he is bored with because they believe he is fooling around because my uncle is going on about it with so much confidence so often.
I’m honestly at my breaking point here. My husband has outright told my uncle that what he is saying is inappropriate, but my uncle tries to act like it’s all one big joke. I can’t go no contact with my uncle because my elderly grandparents live with him and he won’t let me see them if I do.
What are my other options here? How can I make him stop? TL;DR – My cousin is pregnant with a married man’s baby. Now my uncle is obsessed with implying my husband is having an affair and that if he gets his mistress pregnant, he should leave me for her.
These are the responses from Reddit users:
[Reddit User] − My ultimate advice is to make a huge thing about it. Next time he brings it up say something like. “Why do you think cheating on your spouse is okay? Is there someone you’d like to tell us Uncle? Is this your way of telling us that you have a secret affair-child that you have hidden away? Or that your current wife actually use to be your mistress?” Lets see how much he likes it. You and your husband, and your mother apparently, have already tried being civil about this. If he can say it to you, why can’t you say it to him?
geekroick − Has your husband tried the old ‘play dumb’ trick where everything that comes out of your uncle’s mouth is something he doesn’t understand and needs explanations on? It’s like when someone tells you an unfunny r**ist ‘joke’ and you keep asking them to explain it because you don’t get it, when you’re actually just letting them lengthen the rope they’re hanging themselves with.
badb-crow − Both you and your husband need to put your foot down. Any time your uncle brings this up say something like “Wow, [uncle], what is wrong with you?” And then leave the conversation. You don’t have to completely cut ties, but you do need to give him the message that everything stops when he brings this up and that he only gets to talk to you if he’s being appropriate.
Nekawaii19 − Just point out the fault in his daughter’s behavior. It should specially be done by your husband. When your uncle or your cousins say anything related to your husband cheating, he should say something like: “I would never do something like that, it’s disgusting.”. “Having a mistress is really low, just as bad as being a mistress”. “Why would I leave my family for a side piece? That’s the worst thing a man can do. There’s a reason they call them side piece, you know?”
“I don’t have low self esteem, why would I look for some easy woman when I have the perfect woman by my side?”. That will stop the comments when they realize that it only makes his own daughter look worse.
DFahnz − What did he say when you asked him WHY he was doing this?
BluntForceHonesty − When playing nice doesn’t work, play truthful but not nice. Call. S**t. Out. “Look, Uncle. I get you married your mistress and as a result of your own life choices, your daughter didn’t grow up respecting marriage vows and is now a knocked up mistress.
I know you think it’s entertaining to imagine all the opportunities you see my husband and other men have to cheat and because you have zero morals when it comes to being married you pretend no one else does either, and that may make you think your bad choices are legitimate. They aren’t. We don’t find your commentary funny or entertaining any more than you find it funny or entertaining your daughter is going to be a single mother because of your family’s cavalier attitude towards marriage.”
And then, any and every time he starts yapping, just look him dead in the eyes and say “stop.” And that’s the most respectful response or way I can see handling it for you, because the way I’d handle it would be much more explosive, have a fuckload of profanity, and it’d involve telling him to keep his s**tty opinions and life experiences to himself.
DoYerThang − I can’t go no contact with my uncle because my elderly grandparents live with him and he won’t let me see them if I do. I would talk to my grandparents and ask them what other venues for contact might be available. Because no way in HELL would I be hanging out with this … well what can I call him when “man” does not suit?
gobsmacked247 − Gah, your uncle sounds horrible. Passing off an insult as a joke is still an insult, just without repercussions. It’s great that your husband does not give your uncle any room but the fact that your uncle has now enlisted his kin in this thinking is a line too far. Kindness hasn’t worked. Firm denials haven’t worked. Time to get ugly. If your uncle denies access to your grandparents, then your mom/dad need to step in. What your uncle is saying and doing is not okay.
50footlady − Is your parent that’s related to him still in your life? Maybe they could talk some sense in to their brother for you.
Strangeandweird − Turn it into a big joke. Just start asking about uncle’s mistresses. Give them fake names and ask about his illegitimate kids. Ask about Tommy, the kid from the next neighbourhood who looks a lot about uncle. Keep laughing and calling it a joke. Have fun with it.
A Redditor shares a troubling family dynamic involving her uncle, who is fixated on the idea of her husband having a mistress. This stems from a scandal involving the Redditor’s cousin being pregnant with a married man’s baby, with the uncle trying to justify the man’s obligation to leave his wife. Despite her husband shutting down the comments, the uncle continues making inappropriate “jokes” that create discomfort and awkward situations. How should she handle this situation while maintaining access to her grandparents? Read her story below for the full details.