I [27M] had been with my now ex [27F] for ten years, I proposed last week during a trip to St Lucia, she told me she’d been cheating, how does one move forward after a decade being with someone then getting screwed over in the worst way possible?

A Redditor, devastated after a decade-long relationship with his now ex-girlfriend, shares his heartbreak. During a romantic proposal in St. Lucia, she confessed to an ongoing affair with a coworker, leading to the end of their relationship. Struggling with betrayal, shattered trust, and overwhelming grief, he asks for advice on how to move forward after such a life-altering event. Read his story below to learn more.

‘ I [27M] had been with my now ex [27F] for ten years, I proposed last week during a trip to St Lucia, she told me she’d been cheating’

I [27M] had been with my now ex [27F] for ten years, I proposed last week during a trip to St Lucia, she told me she’d been cheating, how does one move forward after a decade being with someone then getting screwed over in the worst way possible?

Sorry about the title length, it just sort of came out. I had been with Carrie for 10 years, best friends since we met at the age of 12 in high school. We had tons of amazing memories, we’ve traveled to several countries together and made long term work for 3 years while separated due to studies. (Though now I’m having trouble believing anything was real).

Last Thursday I proposed to her in St Lucia, (Not in front of anyone mind you, I wanted it to just be private). She didn’t say anything and I was thinking, oh s**t, did I say or do something wrong? She started crying and said she had something to explain to me. She didn’t want to marry me because she’d been sleeping with the co worker she said was ‘just a friend’ for around 3 months.

She said she rationalized it was just a thing that would pass but it’s continued and she said she loves me so much, more than I’ll ever understand, that I’ve helped her so much and she doesn’t even know why she has done this. She said she loved me too much to marry me knowing she’d done what she did.

She doesn’t love the guy, it was just s** and she had been trying to stop the affair but I proposed before that happened and she said she knew when I was kneeling that she couldn’t marry me, not after everything I’d done for her, so she told me. I feel like my whole world has shattered. We had an awkward flight home on Friday evening and haven’t spoken since. She has tried calling me but I haven’t answered and I have until Monday off, so I’m just here.

I’ve barely eaten, I feel like there’s a black hole in my stomach draining everything I have mentally. I can’t wrap my head around the fact that she was cheating, that she lied, that she hid it from me. My sister apparently had some words for her. I’m trying to pretend I’m okay but I’m not. Every morning that I’ve woken up since last week Friday morning has just been bleak.

I love her so much but I’ve no intentions of getting back together, I don’t think I would ever be able to trust her again much less forgive her for a very long time. My best friend brought a six pack yesterday and we drank in the evening, I cried my eyes out in the shower last night. I never cry, not even when my mom who I was extremely close to passed away, but I was sobbing like a child last night and honestly I would have loved if my mom had been there to tell me it’d be okay.

My sister brought over some breakfast this morning and basically made me eat because she knows I haven’t really been eating lately, zero appetite. Anyway, I’m sorry this post is so incoherent. Any tips for someone on how best to move forward and where to go from here? Because I’ve got nothing, no ideas, no clue. I feel like a zombie.

Tl;dr girlfriend of ten years admitted to cheating for the past several months when I proposed, we’re done but I have no clue what to do now, my life revolved around this woman for over a decade, she was my rock and my everything and all that just died a little under a week ago

These are the responses from Reddit users:

[Reddit User] −  This might sound harsh but I mean it with the best of intentions; be thankful that this all came to light when it did and not when you two were married. Use this time to explore life and indulge in your hobbies and interests. It’s very painful when a loved one betrays us, but you need to remember that you have a very bright future in front of you, don’t waste it on someone who doesn’t/didn’t respect you. Perhaps when you’re feeling up for it, organise a nice night out with friends and family, try not to lock yourself in a room and dwell as that will only make you feel worse.

ShiveringAlpha −  This is a quote from a post long ago I saved… I hope it helps you. The fucked up thing is that this is great. Every bitter moment of disillusionment brings you closer to truth. In your case, it brings you out of a s**tty relationship and leaves you open to being in a good one. We cling to our old pain, we don’t want it to go because we are attached to it, because we are afraid of an unknown future without it.

The truth is, when we do this do this we are clinging to an anchor that holds us at the bottom of the ocean. We are denying ourselves the growth we need. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with this. You are totally allowed to feel the pain, cry in the shower, get drunk and scream your rage at the God you don’t believe in. Do that. Feel that pain, dive deep into it. For about 72 hours. You have till Friday to wallow in self pity, tell everyone how unfair it all is, and bemoan the injustice of being treated so poorly by someone you treated so well.

But come Friday I want you to start thinking about how it’s better to be without her. Realize that she is likely to always be like this, she probably isn’t going to suddenly stop cheating on people, she isn’t going to stop pulling s**t like “X has my permission to punch me in the face and blame it on you.”

Instead of thinking how hard it is to not have been cherished the way you want and deserve to be, realize that it’s much harder to go through life not able to love and cherish people. She used you, she’s never going to be able to stop wondering if her next lover is using her. She lives in a world where deceit is a part of love, and you just got out of that world. Think about that, you just got out of that world. Now you’re free. Now you can find the next stage of your adventure. Maybe it will be the last stage, maybe it will be another false start, but it will be new and different.

Now you have an opportunity to redefine yourself. “Hit the gym, throw yourself into your work, reconnect with your loved ones.” Or, if you want a little less B.S., don’t expect to be happy. Instead work on creating the causes and conditions for you to find happiness. Take care of yourself and the things you love, be interested in personal growth, and have a lot of fun. Eventually you’ll lock eyes with a special someone, and then a few years later you’ll laugh about how some ex of yours cheated on your for months, and it probably saved you a few years of a dysfunctional relationship. I love you brother, you got this.

plenty_of_eesh −  This comment will get down-voted to non-existence, but it appears it is still taboo on these types of threads. You don’t have to throw away those 10 years. Marriages and relationships have been known to survive affairs. Frankly, the fact that she felt the need to tell you, so much that she couldn’t hold it back, the moment you proposed, is a sign of some level of character that is worth noting. Most redditors will say “once a cheater, always a cheater” but really there are degrees of cheating and this fact is lost on the hivemind.

There is a difference between your girlfriend (not wife) having an affair with a co-worker and your fiance blowing the best man, behind the barn, during your wedding reception. There is a great deal of info out there on how extramarital affairs have been overcome, and how some people have reported them as improving a relationship in the long term. Just google “can a couple overcome an extramarital affair”…

I agree that total cut-off is appropriate right now. For at least a couple of weeks. But if you feel, deep down, like you actually think this woman can learn from her mistake, and if *she* wants to try to re-build your trust and respect, then I think anything is possible. There may be conditions you have to impose on her… for example, leaving the job where that guy works. I think that is reasonable (as is, obviously, cutting off all contact with him, for-absolutely-f**king-ever).

But keep in mind that, going forward… if you want to try to rebuild your life with her, then one day you would have to forgive her. If you want her to work on rebuilding your respect, you also have to refrain from hitting her over the head with this “you cheated!” stick for the rest of your lives. Just think about it. Reddit will tell you that if she doesn’t lose you, she didn’t learn her lesson. I don’t believe that is always true.

EDIT: I wrote something unclear “one day you really do have to forgive her” above. It should say “if you want to try to rebuild your life with her, then one day you would have to forgive her”. (Never-forgiving is definitely an option, and would be be perfectly fair in this case…. but it is not an option if he and she want to try to overcome this affair). I have edited in-place too.

FroggyMcnasty −  Hey man, I went through something similar last year, and I can assure you things will get better. It hurts right now, and its totally understandable to feel lost, you’re gonna feel like that, and you’re going to feel all sorts of emotions in the time to come, you can’t fight it, and you can’t beat yourself up over what happened it wasn’t your fault.

When I was in your position I moved on autopilot, I kept my routine, I ate when I had to eat because I had to focus on something, I did work when I had to, and I reached out to my friends, especially when I felt like I didn’t want to be around anyone, I’d call them, or text them, just something to get my feelings out and know that my friends had my back. Do that, reach out to your friends, lean on them, and talk with them about anything.

Its kind of funny, I mean it hurts right now, but in time you will see that this heartache you feel right now is just the beginning of a new adventure for you. You will be just fine, and you will get through this.

rulenumber303 −  She didn’t s**ew you over in the *worst* possible way. She told you rather than let you marry her without knowing. She’s fucked up but she is not the worst, there’s plenty worse out there. Probably don’t wanna marry her though! One day when you are an old man you may reach the stage where you feel only pity for her and no anger. Until then, you need to concentrate on moving on and learning to enjoy life again.

OMGSpaghettiisawesom −  Grieve. She was a big part of your life for a long time. It is going to hurt. It will take time to heal. Let yourself feel what you feel and do whatever you need to in order to mourn the future you were going to share. Use your support system. Stay in touch with friends and family that care about you. Don’t isolate yourself.. Pick up a hobby. Stay active. And finally, let go of any contact with your ex. Block social media, delete her number, etc. Allow yourself to move on.

Not-Bad-Advice −  You move forward by blocking her on everything, hitting the gym and reconnecting with old friends and hobbies. Then its just a matter of time. Did you know, for instance, that Fallout 4 and the Planets update of Space Engineers both just came out?

unsureandupset −  Firstly, I’m so sorry to hear this and I can’t imagine how you’re feeling. You have to take things one day at a time. This must be a huge shock and so it’s really important that you look after yourself at this time. You need to get up, shower every day and try and eat food to keep yourself healthy. Also, drink some tea, it’s a surprise how much a cup of tea can be like a warm hug. As much as what you probably don’t want to, you need to do this. What kind of financial situation are you in?

Can you look at getting a new apartment? You need a fresh start and staying in the home you lived in together is not a wise idea. You need newness and a place that isn’t filled with memories. Set yourself daily tasks i.e. today look at two new apartments. You need to tread slowly as this is such a traumatic time but slowly building yourself up to this is a good idea. You will be ok. You will get through this. One of my favourite quotes is, ‘if you’re going through hell, keep going’. You will find your happiness and the happiness you deserve.

Where is Carrie staying at the moment? Could you have your sister or best friend pack up her stuff so at least in the interim it’s all removed from your house and you don’t have reminders or alternatively, because she’s the one that did this horrific thing, could you stay somewhere with your best friend or sister and leave her to figure out the apartment? If not, I would move your mattress to your lounge room, just to stay out of your bedroom. Silly I know, but little things like this help. Again, I’m so sorry to hear this has happened. Sending you lots of strength at this time!

Neat_On_The_Rocks −  A common misconception in all the world that gets thrown around a lot is. “Eventually you’ll find someone better, you’ll find somewhat that treats you right”. When you’ve just left somebod you were with for 10 years, this does not do a whole lot of good, IMO.

You will be happy again, because eventually you will be happy with yourself. You need to be happy as an individual before you are happy with someone else as a couple. Will you eventually find somebody else? yeah, odds are ya will. But at this very moment thats not entirely important. Focus on you, become a happy you!

[Reddit User] −  The best advice I have for you is, that it will suck for a while, but eventually, you’ll get over her, meet someone else, marry and be glad you found her. Your ex will just become the girl you once loved that fucked you over. Have zero contact with her. Closure is a myth, and is overrated. Cut her out of your life immediately. Lean on your friends and family for support. Think about seeing a counselor. Get busy doing things that make you happy. Go be selfish for a while. Hit the gym, take up new hobbies. Get active. Get busy livin’ or get busy dyin’.