My boyfriend [29/M] wants to wait to propose to me [29/F] after 8 years

A Reddit user (29F) shared her concerns about her long-term boyfriend (29M) delaying a proposal after 8 years together. Despite addressing his initial reasons—financial stability and her personal growth—he now seems to focus on her career struggles and weight gain, leaving her feeling unsupported and uncertain about their future. Read her story below:

‘ My boyfriend [29/M] wants to wait to propose to me [29/F] after 8 years’

My boyfriend (29) and I (29) have been together for 8 years. In the past, whenever I would bring up marriage, he would blow off my questions with a joke of something along the lines of “I don’t believe in marriage”. I finally had a conversation with him last year to help clarify if he really meant this or was truly joking.

He said he wants to wait until both of us are our best selves. In his case, this meant more financial stability, which he achieved last year with a raise in salary. I was previously really unhappy with my old job and my unhappiness carried over into our relationship, so he was pushing me to switch jobs.

I switched jobs in February, but between the current Covid19 situation and having a new manager with unprofessional behavior and g**lighting tactics, I am again stressed out and unhappy.

I also gained about 20 pounds at my old job and am not finding success with losing it with how much overtime I still have to do with my new job. He makes comments about my food consumption and about me needing to exercise more..

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

parentsornah −  The whole “best selves” thing is a way to keep moving the goal post on you. Especially when he gets to be the judge of what your best self is. If marriage is important to you, I would not keep waiting on him.

Yes, you want to continually work towards improvement but someone shouldn’t be holding their understanding of “your best self” over your head in order to move forward with deeper commitment. Especially not after 8 years.

kaibac18 −  Why would you need to be your best self? Isn’t the point of marriage that you’re both going to support each other to continue improving your life for… the rest of your life? You’ll never be your best self, there will always be room for improvement. Also who’s idea of “best self” is he basing that off of?

synthesis-synthesis −  I’m sorry you’re having a tough time. A few things: 1. Being your best self isn’t a state you somehow achieve and then stay in forever. 2. The true measure of one’s relationships is how people support, inspire, defend, and appreciate each other when everything is collapsing around you–in other words, when nothing is perfect, and you are trying and failing to be your best self.

3. I don’t know you, and I couldn’t possibly know the complexity and depth of your relationship from one post. At the same time, I want to say without equivocation that I would never want a loved one to marry someone who makes comments about their food consumption, weight, and exercise routines.

I have a strong feeling that if he was making **kind and concerned** comments, you would’ve framed it as such and not simply tagged it on the end. I get the impression that his critiques of your body wear down your self-esteem and enable his movement of goal posts.

**So, what does a kind and concerned comment look like?** “I’m nervous about bringing this up, because I know it’s a sensitive topic for most people, including me. I’ve noticed you’ve been depressed because of this job, and it feels like eating more XYZ has become kind of a coping mechanism. What do you think? How do you feel about it?” **or** “I’ve noticed you’ve been really stressed.

Do you want to try this online workout with me before dinner?” **or** “I think you’re sexy no matter what, but it feels like you’ve been worried about losing weight lately. Is there anything I can do to be more supportive?”

If you wait around long enough and apply enough pressure and make yourself small enough to fit into his little boxes, he might propose to you. I’d be sad for you if he did. Eight years? You deserve someone who cannot wait to marry you. Good luck with everything.

rthrouw1234 −  I think he’s moving the goal posts, and I genuinely doubt he’s ever going to propose. I’m sorry.

rose77019 −  I’m 46. Years old, I can remember thinking in my early /mid /late 30s that I had all the time in the world to settle down and get married and have kids.
Your 30s go by in a flash. one day, you wake up and you’re 40. You blink and your 45…

If by that time you haven’t met the goals of marriage (if that’s what you want) or kids, (if that’s what you want) then your odds dramatically decrease on having a child of your own. And you find that many of your dating choices after 40 already have a child of their own, or one or two divorces under the belt.

I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with this. Not at all. But I will say as a 46-year-old woman it is much easier to find men to date, Marry, and have children with in your 30s. You don’t have time to waste waiting on a man who keeps moving the goal post.

ShelfLifeInc −  There’s a difference between, “I really want to marry you, but now’s not the right time. Let’s focus on improving your work situation, and waiting for this pandemic to pass, then have this conversation in 6 months time,” and “I don’t believe in marriage, let’s wait until we’re our best selves” b**lshit.

If he’d come back with the first statement, I’d be inclined to believe him. My fiance and I were keen to get engaged, but there were a few years where it was not the right time for us – we both had career and mental health issues to iron out. Once all that was sorted to a point we both felt happy with, my fiance bought the ring…then got unexpectedly fired from his job.

I said, “Well, I guess that delays our plans to get engaged…” and he said “f**k it”, put the ring on my finger and said, “I don’t want to let this stop me from living the life I want with you.” Life will always throw a spanner in your works, even when you’re engaged or married, so there’s no point in waiting for life to be “perfect” unless there is legitimately something you want resolved.

I actually asked my fiance the other night, “Soo…do you feel like you’ll be ready to have kids in the next year or two?” and he said, “I feel a lot less ready now than I did before this pandemic. I don’t think this is a great situation to bring kids into, but I’m really interested in having the conversation again in a few months time when things are a little more settled.”

So, even when you don’t feel ready to make a big life change, you can still have conversations where you acknowledge these big life changes are on the horizon. I don’t think that’s what your boyfriend is doing. What does “financial stability” look like for him? Is there an exact figure? Does it mean “we have a house and two cars”?

Does he want you to have a job, or does he want you to be happy and unstressed (because right now, those two appear mutually exclusive)? Can he see himself marrying you in the not-too-distant future, even if that future isn’t now? Or is he still waiting for some other sign?

Pebbles220619 −  “Being your best selves” is a really good way to keep changing the parameters of what he requires in order to propose. He’s being s**tty. This is just a cop out way of avoiding what he doesn’t want to commit too.

Also, if he can’t love you enough to propose to you at your worst, he doesn’t deserve to have you at your best. The phrase “for better, for worse” is there for a reason. I completely understand that he wants to be financially stable etc, that’s all sensible. But to me it just sounds like he’s avoiding the commitment by creating movable goal posts.

[Reddit User] −  This happened with my ex. I ended up breaking up with him. We were together 8 years knew each other for 10. I figured if he wasnt ready after all that time I’m too old to keep wasting it. In another 8 years I’d have no time to meet, marry, and have kids with someone else.

June_Monroe −  Stop wasting your youth on this man!

flicticious −  Have you considered that the relationship is the thing holding you back from being your best self? It’s hard to like work when you’re not fulfilled in other parts of your life. It’s hard to be healthy when you’ve got no one supporting you to want to do better

Long-term relationships often face hurdles, but when one partner sets moving targets for commitment, it can cause hurt and uncertainty. Do you think her boyfriend’s reasons are valid, or is it time for her to reassess the relationship? Share your thoughts below.