I [22F] need advice getting over this unhealthy crush on my coworker [20sM]

A young woman is struggling with an intense and unhealthy crush on her coworker. Despite limited interaction, her feelings are so overwhelming that they disrupt her ability to focus at work and leave her feeling emotionally drained. She recognizes a pattern of developing these fixations and is seeking advice on how to overcome her feelings and break the cycle. Read the full story below for more context.

‘ I [22F] need advice getting over this unhealthy crush on my coworker [20sM]’

Hello everyone. So I’ve had this crush on my coworker for a few months now, and it’s really not good. We only see eachother in passing, and he’s only talked to me once about something work related. Even though we don’t talk, we do look at each other sometimes, so we notice each other’s existence. He’s very outgoing and friendly with other people on my team.

He’s also very attractive. I enjoy being around him, but I’m way too nervous to talk to him. Honestly, I basically just admire him from afar. I’m not interested in a relationship with anyone right now, partially because I need therapy to heal from past relationships first, so I’m definitely not trying to be together with him. I just like him.

This wouldn’t be so bad, except it’s become unhealthy for me. Whenever he’s around, I get so o**rwhelmed that it’s difficult to concentrate on my work. Sometimes I have to walk away and take deep breaths to calm down. I just get so nervous and preoccupied with my thoughts. I realize this sounds ridiculous, it is. I also can’t stop thinking about him.

It seems like I spend the entire day looking forward to seeing him, then once he’s gone I feel empty and sad. I recognize this is really unhealthy and potentially creepy. I work with some good friends and I genuinely enjoy their company, I also like my job a lot so it’s not that work is boring without him. I’m actually a very talkative and happy person with everyone else.

I really want to get over these feelings because they’re useless and only hurting me. To be honest, this isn’t the first co-worker I’ve felt this way about. At my last job, I also had a crush on my manager and it was on the same unhealthy level. So I feel like becoming fixated on people is reoccuring problem, and I really would like to know how I can change this pattern. I welcome your honest thoughts on this situation.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

lizardsoldier −  Well done acknowledging that this crush isn’t a positive thing for you right now. You said that you need therapy for something else right now, so why not bring this crush up as an issue as well? The two things may be more related than you think, so working on these two issues concurrently with your counsellor (the crush and your other relationships) could actually help you get to the root of your issue quicker.

[Reddit User] −  Therapist here! CRUSHES ARE SO F**KING HARD. They’re hard because there’s a lot of mystery behind a crush. We typically meet them in environments where we are around them often, even if they’re not deliberately close to us in that environment. It’s also easy to look at someone and imagine this fantasy that you’re not even sure really exists.

Good on you that you recognize the unhealthy nature of this crush and honestly, the way you’re responding to it makes sense because there’s a LOT of tension I bet. This, like anxiety, can cause a physiological experience that can be uncomfortable and interfere with our day-to-day.

I don’t like giving advice but what I will say is sometimes to either a) break that mystery by getting to know that person a little more or b) tell your mind that this person is more than the way you are envisioning him/experiencing him. Sometimes we can just train our brains to notice the s**t we’re making up versus the s**t that actually exists. Hope this was helpful!! It’s happened to me too <3

[Reddit User] −  It may be a reach but personally I used to have a similar issue and I believe it was due to low self esteem and a need to attach myself to others in order gain their approval and validation; I felt that, if this cool person accepted me and chose me, then I could allow myself to feel valuable. Realistically though it was an unhealthy coping mechanism. How is your self esteem? Do you validate yourself largely through external relationships?

floating_bells_down −  Ummm… everyone is telling you therapy. That’s good advice. But also, when you see yourself developing a crush, why not just try talking to the guy? I mean, it’s true that it’s just the idea of the person you’ve fixated and dreamed up. So, shake up the dreamland with reality.

I’ve been attracted to men–and then two minutes into the conversation, all chemistry died. Or maybe it’ll turn out that you guys become friends. Idk. It just seems like you’re making this very “either or”. Black or white. He exists and so do you and in the same workplace.

[Reddit User] −  Hey! This may be some stuff that’s lurking under the surface from your past relationships or even childhood that might have traumatized you in some way- sounds like therapy is definitely a good idea! Maybe just also try to remember that you don’t even really know this guy – you’re idealizing him a lot in your head based on his appearance and the limited interactions you’ve seen him had with others.

For all you know, he’s a r**ist or not a nice person! (Obviously exaggerations but you get what I’m saying). I think if you maybe just stop whenever you feel those things and remember the feeling you have is just about the idea of this dude rather than the actual guy, that may help a bit?

moosetopenguin −  Bring this up in your therapy sessions. Talk through everything you wrote here and let your therapist help you figure out ways to diminish fixation at this level, in addition to helping you figure out *why* you feel crushes so intensely.

You’re right…it is unhealthy to feel this strongly about someone you do not even know, but it’s a great sign that you’ve acknowledged it’s not a healthy mindset because then you have a much better chance at learning methods to handle those feelings in the future.

Shiodex −  I have this same pattern of o**ession with people. It’s funny, when I’m in this rut it feels suffocating, but when I’m out of it I always wonder when I would ever like someone to that degree again. It could be years or never. So don’t have any regrets when making your decision 🙂

Anyways, if you’ve decided that you don’t want a relationship (and not just because you’re scared and making up other excuses), I think there are two solutions based on the situation. Have you know him for a long time? There’s a difference between liking the idea and potential of someone you recently met and liking someone you’ve knows for years and know deeply.

If you really don’t know him that well. Try talking to him some more. This usually reveals that they’re a human being like the rest of us. And gradually you’ll probably become more comfortable around him. Note that this doesn’t mean you would stop liking him as a person. It’s getting over the o**ession part.

I would start out by going to group events and talking to him there so there’s not too much pressure. If you know him deeply (I’m guessing this is unlikely since you avoid him), well that’s tricky. Let me say though, you are probably getting jittery at the thought of being with him, because he’s single and available.

I feel like you wouldn’t be so obsessed over him if he were in a stable relationship, for example. At this point I would go for trying to create more physical distance…. I’m not a therapist!

[Reddit User] −  Do you also have ADHD? Huge fixation crushes are a common trait among people with ADHD, it’s an extension of hyperfocus

anubis_cheerleader −  It’s ok. I am married and had a similarly intense crush on another student. These things happen. I even cried in yoga class one time when they weren’t there. What helped me A LOT was consciously trying to let the thoughts pass. “Ok, I am feeling the butterflies.

That is ok. Instead of fixating on this feeling, I am going to breathe and let my thoughts drift.” Time helped…a lot. Are you able to work on location for a bit, work from home temporarily, or take a vacation?