I [49F] recently learned my son [22M] has some disturbing beliefs and it’s making me uncomfortable.

A concerned mother has recently discovered her 22-year-old son holds deeply misogynistic and harmful beliefs, which surfaced after he reacted aggressively to learning about his younger sister’s private life. His behavior has caused emotional turmoil within the family, and attempts to address his views have been met with stubborn resistance.

The mother is struggling to reconcile the son she raised with the person he has become and is seeking advice on how to address this issue and restore family harmony. Read the full story below for details.

‘ I [49F] recently learned my son [22M] has some disturbing beliefs and it’s making me uncomfortable.’

Before I elaborate I just want to say that neither me nor the rest of my family share my son’s beliefs. I have no idea where they came from but I’m certain when I say it has nothing to do with how my husband and I raised our son. My son went to college across the country and graduated last spring, and thankfully he got a very good job close to home o now he’s back and living with us.

On all fronts, he’s doing great in life and is shaping up to have a very successful future. I’ve always considered him nothing short of perfect but recent events have taught me that my son holds incredibly disturbing beliefs. My son has always been very protective of his younger sister (18F), she’s currently in her last year of high school.

Well, he found out a few days ago by looking at her texts (he said he wasn’t snooping, but saw an unsavory text pop up and read further) about my daughter’s s** life. Now I don’t pry into what my daughter does in her adult life nor do I feel the need to, as my daughter practices safe and responsible s**.

My husband and I both know she is s**ually active but as she’s going about it as an adult, in a healthy and safe way, we have no problem with it. My son blew up and called my daughter all manner of horrible words, particularly “filthy whore” and “putrid s**t”, demeaning and humiliating her without mercy.

I’ve never seen my daughter cry so hard, she was absolutely devastated especially since she adores her brother and looks up to him. He refused to apologize and then berated both me and his father for “letting your daughter become a whore”. We were all shocked by this and didn’t know how to react, really.

It seemed so surreal like a scene in a movie, and his father asked him how he could say things like that. My son explained his beliefs and we learned he’s frighteningly misogynistic and sexist and violent. For example, he believes all adulterers should be stoned to death and praises ISIS for doing so.

He thinks modern women are all disgusting sluts and that there’s no good women left. I don’t want to list his other beliefs because just typing this makes me upset, but you get the idea. We tried to reason with him but he simply won’t budge on these horribly ignorant and harmful beliefs.

Worse, he won’t entertain any conversation about this issue with us as he believes he’s completely right about these ideas. So for the past few days the atmosphere in the house is incredibly tense. He’s carrying on like everything is normal but both my husband, my daughter and myself are constantly in disbelief that he could be like this.

I have no idea how to even broach this topic again without him shutting me down instantly. I’ve raised my son to be open-minded, a true gentleman and I’m saddened that he completely abandoned that. What do I do? How do I even go about restoring the family life we used to have?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Dolomite808 −  Personally, I’d tell him that if he is going to treat his family that way, he isn’t welcome in the home. In fact, either he apologizes or he’s out. I don’t know where he’s gotten these beliefs, but making his stay at your house contingent on him getting therapy would be something else I would seriously consider. You cannot just let this go. You need to step in, even if only to defend your daughter.

DiTrastevere −  …the Internet. The Internet is where he got these ideas. My guess is he got burned bad by a r**ection and jnstead of dealing with it like an adult, he sought out an online echo chamber that fanned his anger and hurt into full-blown h**red of women. I have seen it happen and it is g**damn heartbreaking. Doesn’t matter how he was raised.

He chose misogyny over maturity because being able to blame others for your failures is seductive to people of all backgrounds. Set an example. Do not tolerate hate speech from him or anyone else, and abruptly end conversations and visits if it arises.

Continue to respect your daughter openly, and reassure her that her brother is very wrong and you and your husband do not share his views. Beyond that, he is an adult…you can hope he grows out of it and realizes how deeply he’s hurt his sister, but that’s up to him. I’m sorry.

Population-Tire −  Well, he found out a few days ago by looking at her texts (he said he wasn’t snooping, but saw an unsavory text pop up and read further). That’s the definition of snooping.
Look, your son can believe whatever misguided or backwards thing he wants. You don’t have to give him a free place to stay in light of it. Tell him he apologizes and keeps it to himself, or he leaves and isn’t welcome back until those demands are met.

sleepfight −  Does he live with you? Kick him out. Until he learns how to treat your daughter, his sister, with the respect she deserves, he isn’t welcome in your home.

beer-N-crumpets −  Put his ass OUT. I mean, his headspace is totally fucked all the way up but I’m gonna overlook that in favor of a more pressing issue- the message you are sending your daughter if you let your son treat her so badly under your roof, which is supposed to be a safe place for her.

Not to mention the fact that this IS your house- he has no business dismissing *s**t*. I feel so bad for you, though. I really do. I would be so mortified if that were my kid.

Sophie_6_Toes −  He snooped, then gave an offensive ranting lecture about your daughter’s s** life (which is absolutely none of his business), then disrespected you and your husband in your home. That’s a pretty awful way to treat people you love.

At this point I would be making a big deal out of this and laying down some ultimatums: (1) apologize to his sister for snooping and calling her names (2) apologize to you and you husband (3) either group or individual therapy and (4) no longer welcome to live at home if he behaves like this again.

defiancy −  So all of you are living under one roof and your son has developed some stupid ideas. First off, your sons beliefs are not you doing. Somewhere along the line he came to those beliefs in a twisted strange way. You tried your best to raise him but at a certain point people discover their own values.

Second, there is something you can do to maintain a safe environment for your daughter who seems to be doing all the right things and that is taking a firm stance with your son. He lives in YOUR house, and you don’t have to take that kind of behavior from him. Simply put, tell him to not act like a misogynistic a**hole when he is around the house or get out.

He shouldn’t talk to his sister like that, nor should you allow it. I’d make it known that he is free to have those twisted views if he wants, but that under no circumstance is a repeat of what happened (with the yelling etc) to occur again. If if did, he should be prepared to pack his things. Because that shows a gross disrespect for not only you and your husband, but his sister too.

[Reddit User] −  It sounds like he’s fallen in with a bad crowd at Uni. Are you guys Muslim ? Because if you are, a long sit down talk with your own Mullah might be the way to go. Muslim extremists are very active on campuses, and he might simply have fallen in with a bad crowd. A chat with your own Mullah about what is going on here may well set him straight.

If not, he needs to see a psych, stat. He needs to be talked down from whatever this influence is. I know you’re being told to kick him out, but it must be heartbreaking to see your baby boy turn n**ty like this and he needs to be fixed. The risk is, that if you just turn him out, he’ll continue in his appalling beliefs.

You and your husband need to sit him down and make it very clear to him that his behaviour and language is reprehensible and that you are disgusted and horrified with him, that this is not how you raised him, and that his behaviour is deeply disappointing to you and wholly unacceptable. He must apologise, wholeheartedly, to his sister and he must attend counselling.

If he refuses, evict him. The inappropriateness of his behaviour must be brought home to him in the strongest possible terms.

slinky999 −  I agree with everything here, and would also recommend you get him in with a doctor. His extreme beliefs and blowup out of nowhere could indicate a medical condition or mental illness. Yes, your daughter needs to be protected from him, but if this is as out-of-character as you describe, there may be a physiological component to it.