My (35F) boyfriend (33M) of 5 years secretly took a cab to take “a walk” at night while out of town

A woman shares her concerns about her boyfriend’s suspicious behavior during a solo trip to San Francisco. Despite claiming exhaustion, he took a late-night cab ride and spent hours out without informing her. Given his history of dishonesty and the fragile state of their trust, she feels uneasy and contemplates leaving him. Read her detailed account below.

‘ My (35F) boyfriend (33M) of 5 years secretly took a cab to take “a walk” at night while out of town’

My 33M boyfriend is in San Fran for an interview. We were video chatting w/ our 3 year old after the interview yesterday. Saying he missed us etc. All normal happy stuff. He left NJ at 3am for the flight there, told us he was exhausted and headed to bed. I messaged him at 2:10am my time (11:10pm his) that I was up bc our 3 yo wet the bed again. He responded with ‘poor girl’ and nothing else.

This morning we video call him as was planned during breakfast for our kid to say hello to daddy. He answers without video which is not normal. We call frequently with video. I asked when did you get home and he kinda hesitated before saying 3am. He offered nothing else. I found this morning he took a lyft to Chinatown at 1120pm PST and didn’t cab back to his hotel til 3am.

He messages me nothing, says nothing so I message him after breakfast about being out all night and he says he needed to take a walk. Says no cheating happened. This man has a terrible sense of direction. Cant read a map etc. But went for a walk in a city he doesnt know from 1130pm-3am… Huh?

And mentioned nothing about it even though he knew I was awake here at the same time changing sheets on the east coast. Why not mention that he cant sleep and am headed out? No pictures or comments about his walk. Says he was going to mention it in the morning.

Thoughts? My nerves are shot. He has a major history of being dishonest. This was our time to be transparent and open to rebuild trust for our family. Why leave his hotel (which is already on the water with a fantastic view) in the middle of the night?
I’m ready to pack up and leave him.

TL;DR Boyfriend out 1130pm-3am when he said was going to bed. Has history of lies, says didnt cheat. Says couldnt sleep, took a 20 dollar cab to Chinatown to “go for a walk”. Sees no issue with what he did. I feel gaslighted.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

1disposabledick −  Last time my friends and I were walking around that part of San Francisco at 3 am we were all on drugs and looking for more drugs.

ShelfLifeInc −  I message him after breakfast about being out all night and he says he needed to take a walk. Says no cheating happened. So you asked him, “hey, how come you were out all night,” and his answer was “I just went for a walk, I didn’t cheat on you”?. He cheated on you.

sammypanda90 −  Yeah that whole story stinks of abnormal. Why take a cab to walk? Surely you’d just walk out of your hotel. 4 hours is a pretty long walk as well. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable for questioning that story.

milkyway_mermaid −  He loves gambling and hookers and now he’s out taking 3-4 hour walks at 2 am? We all know he wasn’t taking a walk.

Moon_Dood −  I was going to ask if he cheated on you before but then I saw you mentioned him being sober, which to me implied he had an alcohol problem in the past. This was interesting to me because when I was reading your post, everything you said sounds like a guy who went out and got drunk. Especially if he has a history of it and that would also explain the secretiveness.

You have to look out for you and your child so Im not trying to be an apologist for this guy. Im just saying substance abuse is mental health issue. Its not some moral failing on his part, whereas cheating would have been. Maybe him going off and getting drunk is worth leaving him over to you as well, I dont know anything about yall besides this post. Just wanted to say my reading of this sounded just as much like a guy who went out drinking as it sounded like a guy who cheated. What matters is how different the two are regarding your trust in him.

elite_shitposter −  Your trust in him seems shot regardless of this issue. If you can’t come to a resolution with yourself, he’s obviously not going to change. Just leave and find someone you can trust.

pomme_dor −  S** or drugs are the only reasons he’d be in that neighborhood at that time.. He’s being dishonest again.

venttress −  Um, he most definitely cheated. Also he’s a *terrible* l**r… if he’s going to make up stories he should at least make them somewhat believable. Ffs.

mkay0 −  Why did you post this thread? You know what’s going on.

1mpulseEternal −  Im so sorry OP, I know my comment is going to be lost at the bottom, & you prob wont see it, but I still wanted to add my voice to the chorus of others trying to be honest & supportive of you…. I wish I could say something that would help alleviate your pain – im sorry i cant 😔 Ive notices lots of ppl focusing on the fact he was out so long at night, taking a lyft, ‘walking’ pondering on d**g/alcohol / cheating behaviour- & that is all important stuff-….

BUT- the thing that really stood out for me , was the fact he didnt answer your videocall with your child… im a mom & a step mom, so i understand complex family dynamics- but i also understand how big /important video calls with a parent are- especially to very young kids…. *especially* when that parent is usually around, but isn’t home tonight…. That set off like- the fireworks of red flags for me, coupled with his “poor girl” reply- …. Im so sorry he has treated you/your family with such callous disrespect….

If he was having trouble sleeping, & knew you were awake, why not just lay in his hotel bed alone, talking to you until he was tired enough ti drop off to sleep?? I know if i was away from my family overnight, for any reason- i would have trouble sleeping too- but the thing that would bring me the most comfort, would be talking to / seeing them in a video call. …. (esp if thats already an established thing within your family!)…

Idk what his past indescretions were, but if this was meant to be the time for your family to rebuild trust- i believe it was serious stuff- & he is not taking it seriously enough… I dont knkw you or your family, but I do know what it is like to be up all night with your nerves & anxiety in hyperdrive, while your oartner is off f**king around, & not even bothering to videocall the kids…. at a minimum, thats some serious selfishness…. but i feel like you already know what was *really* going on…. -& now its time to work out what you want your next step to be, for you & your child….

This is heavy, serious stuff, & he needs to treat it as such, bot gaslight you &make you feel like you’re being unreasonable – i promise- you are not…. You need to taje care of your child, & sometimes what is best fir the child, is for the parents to seperate, rather than trying to keep a relationship together ‘for the kids’ -. Theres – so much wrong here….

I couldnt recommend seeing a counseller high enough- having an outside, objective person who you can be completely honest with, is absolutely a huge help….. sometimes it can take seeing a few ppl till you find someone you ‘click’ with, but when you do, it is totally worth it!!

(& if he suggests couples counselling, thats great! Go along if you feel you want to, just make sure its not your personal counseller that he wants to come see…. if he shows *any* sign of not wanting you to see a therapist on your own, that is another huge red flag…. ). ….
Im sorry if i have written too much, or spoken out of place, if you’ve read this far down, thank you-

(I promise i didnt take time out of my day to write all this just to waste your time, or for no reason- I did it because i have been in some really s**tty relationships, & I simply didnt know just how bad they were until i was out of them, … -& because i want you to have a happy, safe, peaceful, honest home to raise your child in)

Once kids are involved, everythimg becomes a billion times more complicated – but as a mom- I know you will do the right thing by your child, even if it’s incredibly hard & painful for you – being a mom gives you super powers! Dont be afraid to use them!!
I wish you all the very best – with much love & hugs!.