How do I (25F) go about cutting my mother (59F) off financially?

A Redditor (25F) is grappling with the decision to move out of her parents’ home after years of paying her mother rent to help with household finances. Despite being financially stable, her mother (59F) insists she continue paying rent even after moving out, leaving the Redditor feeling conflicted about prioritizing her own well-being while managing guilt about her family’s potential financial struggles. Read the original story below for the full details:

‘ How do I (25F) go about cutting my mother (59F) off financially?’

I know the title makes me sound like a bad person but hear out my situation. I’ve graduated since 2017 and since I couldn’t find a job of state, and the job I got was close to my parents house, although I didn’t like it, I had to move back home because they insisted that I live with them if I’m instate. I decided as an adult, I should be contributing to the house so I have been paying rent to my mum.

I have not really enjoyed my time at home, my parents are ultra traditional, ultra religious and filthy. The house is never clean, I’m expected to clean after everyone since I’m a girl and no matter what I do the house is never clean. Either way I have signed a lease to move out, despite how opposed they are to me moving out. I expect they will be mad at me for leaving for a while but I don’t care.

Eventually they will come around. The only piece that worries me is the that I won’t be able to pay two rents, and my mum has made it clear that if I ever move out I will still have to keep paying her. I’ve done my budget and that is not possible. Even if it was, I would like to save my money.

She’s a nursing manager and earns a bit more than me but my dad only works 20 hours a week because he decided he wants a master’s degree which he is doing online so most of the financial burden is on my mum. Currently they are renting in an expensive neighborhood because my younger brother needs to be in a good school district.

I feel really bad knowing she might suffer financially but I can’t keep staying here. My personal growth and happiness is at stake here. I’m so confused and conflicted. I get a bonus soon, I’m thinking of giving it to her to cover what rent I would have payed to her, but I also want to save my money. Any advice on how to navigate this situation without drowning in a sea of guilt and becoming the family black sheep will be appreciated.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

catarekt −  I assume you never signed a written agreement with them? You have no lease so no financial obligation to them. You can just leave. Enjoy your new place!

Onlythetruthmate −  Lol they decided to pursue a masters degree and rent in an expensive area. Noone forced them to. I would literally say im tired of cleaning up after everyone and dont make your problems my problem. Take care of yourself and don’t feel guilt tripped because your parents made separate life decisions which impact their income and expenses.

sadcapricorn99 −  Just wanted to toss my two cents in because I haven’t seen it mentioned before: putting aside the issue of your mother demanding money, but also their demand that you moved in with them in the first place to essentially be a maid while PAYING FOR IT is insane. You need to set hard boundaries, enforce them firmly and unapologetically. Start living for yourself.

[Reddit User] −  and my mum has made it clear that if I ever move out I will still have to keep paying her. Let’s be very clear: 1) this is a ridiculous assertion, and 2) a completely unrealistic expectation on her part.

Of course, parents who think that it is their child’s responsibility to essentially pay for the father’s postgraduate degree and the expensive neighborhood they “must” live in are not going to see or accept the fact that their demands are *f**king bonkers*, and so getting out of this without them trying to heap guilt and shame on you may not be doable.

Here’s the thing, though: *You do not have to accept delivery.* There is no reason why you should feel guilty about wanting to live as an independent adult. There is no reason why you should feel guilty about declining to cover your parents’ willful financial gap.

There is no reason why you should feel guilty if your brother has to change schools, or if your father has to delay his postgrad degree, because your parents failed to budget within their means… because that is what is happening here. You are not failing them. They have failed themselves, and they are attempting to force you to fill in their gaps in planning.

Don’t let them do it. When they try to apply the guilt, tell them that you’ll be happy to speak to them when they can discuss things rationally – then walk away from the conversation, hang up the phone, whatever it takes. Decline to be the target of their guilt, for it is not yours to shoulder.

And I advise you to seek therapy, because they have probably spent your entire lifetime training you to accept guilt, and it is going to take a lot more than words from internet strangers for you to truly begin to believe that you don’t deserve it.

partypancakesbacon −  I’m angry that you were providing maid service while paying rent. You will have such a better life when you cut financial tjes with them.

taphin33 −  Yeah the part where she fully expects you to pay rent for a place you’re not living in makes no sense to me. Unless you have a lease you’re out of it, and if you have one then pay til the end. Your bonus is yours, don’t let your parents living outside their means hurt your chance to get established yourself.

Sounds like they take advantage of you whenever they get a chance and treat you unfairly. I see a lot of the sister has to work and clean while the brother gets to be a kid and gets congratulated for the bare minimum. They’re prioritizing his school and the nicer area for themselves over you.

outline8668 −  You move out and never pay them another penny. You want them to respect you? Setting a boundary and sticking to it is how you do it. Your parents are adults and capable of supporting themselves. Their poor financial planning is not your problem.

Your parents demanding you give them money for no longer living there is pathetic. I would only consider taking rent money from my child to secretly put it in an investment account which I would give them once they moved out. Not to fund my own lifestyle.

EpitaFelis −  Your parents are using you. They’re manipulating you into feeling guilty for wanting to escape their abuse. Your money is not their money, their filth is not your filth. Their problems are not yours to solve. They chose this life and now they want to use you for free labour that you have to pay for, too.

I know it’s hard not to feel guilty, but it’s not because your mother is so reasonable. It’s because they could manipulate you into this role your whole life. Change your bank account if they have access to your current one, and move out as soon as you can. Things will get clearer from a distance. You’re not hurting your parents, you’re stopping them from hurting you.

missmegsy −  They’ve obviously installed the Guilt Button in your mind throughout your whole life, so they know exactly how to push it. Their demands are so ridiculous, you will not get out of this without them making you feel like a j**k. They have essentially forced you to forfeit the ‘nice’ option by acting so outrageously.

Just move out and repeat to yourself *just because someone is mad, doesn’t mean I’ve done anything wrong*. You’re probably going to feel guilty because hey, emotions gonna emote. Just *don’t act on that guilt by giving into any unreasonable demands*. It is REASONABLE and NORMAL to not pay rent in a place you don’t live in.

“WHERE’S YOUR RENT YOU NEED TO PAY”. “No, I won’t be paying rent for a house I don’t live in, that’s ridiculous.” “YOU DO WHAT I SAY GIVE ME THE MONEY”. “That won’t be possible.” “I TOLD YOU YOU HAVE TO YOU OWE ME ETC ETC”

“If you can’t talk to me reasonably I’m going to hang up.”. Her: *more ridiculous statements*. You: *hang up*. And don’t talk to them for a week. The next time it’s a month. The next time it’s 3 months. And so on. Remember, don’t justify, argue, defend or explain. “No.” “That won’t be possible.” “I won’t discuss this anymore.”

MikeWalt −  Tell them they can airbnb your room now!

Moving out and prioritizing your personal growth is an important step, especially when your home environment hinders your well-being. While it’s natural to feel guilty, remember that setting boundaries is necessary for your mental and financial health. Do you think the Redditor should stick to her decision and stop paying rent, or is there a middle ground to support her family while gaining independence? Share your thoughts below.

For those who want to read the sequel: https://aita.pics/cbcfm