My (F 46) sons (21) girlfriend (20) got me something I know she can’t afford and I worry about her

A mother shared her concern after receiving an expensive birthday gift from her son’s 20-year-old girlfriend, who has faced immense struggles, including neglectful parents and financial instability. The young woman’s gift, a necklace from a high-end brand, feels like a repayment for a previous gift she received—a gesture that left the mother feeling guilty and worried. Now, she’s seeking advice on how to support the girlfriend without making her uncomfortable or compromising her dignity. Read the full story below.

‘ My (F 46) sons (21) girlfriend (20) got me something I know she can’t afford and I worry about her’

My son and his girlfriend have been dating for over two years now. They go to the same college. She moved in with him in the midst of quarantine but eventually went home. Her parents are horrible and practically kicked her out in the middle of the night. My son had to pull some strings to even get her a flight.

For her birthday, I bought her a necklace. It was before quarantine so I bought it overseas. It made me think of her. I care for her and I wanted too. It was pricy but I can afford it. I remember her face when I gave it to her. She looked terrified like I pulled a gun on her. She kept looking at it then at me. She stuttered so much before thanking me. Throughout our stay, I noticed her watching me several times. My son told me later that she is scared of me. After prying, I learned how bad her family actually is.

For my birthday, she got me an expensive necklace. I know the brand and there’s no way she could afford it. She looked at me so scared and just asked if I liked it. I told her I did. She keeps watching me.

Now, I worry about where she got the money. Her classes are all remote this semester. She can’t decide whether she wants to be with my son or her family. She loves her younger siblings and has all but raised them. Then, her parents kick her out or threaten her.I worry so much about her at home. If she has money to take care of herself and her little siblings. I feel like she got me the necklace to pay me back but she did not need too. I feel so guilty

Would I be a horrible person if I gave her a some money no questions asked? Or if I got her and her siblings expensive gifts she could sell or gift cards. I don’t know if she would. She is not the type to ask for help. I remember my son on the phone for hours trying to find a hotel for her to stay at in the midst of quarantine after what her parents did. I want to make her a bank account or trust fund. I don’t know how to do it. I also don’t want to embarrass or cause her to fear me.

My son says she looks up to me and wants to make me happy. I feel so guilty. I never should have gotten her that necklace when she has trouble feeding and clothing herself and the little ones. Tldr: I got my son’s girlfriend an expensive necklace. She got me a similar one but I worry about how she can afford it and take of herself and little siblings

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Bubblestheimplacable −  I think you should talk to her, maybe even write to her. My guess is that she doesn’t know what to expect from you. So, in my family, there is no such thing as generosity. If a gift seems generous, then there are ALWAYS strings attached. She told your son that she’s afraid because she doesn’t know what you want from her in return. So she felt obligated to reciprocate the gift evenly because she doesn’t have any experience with generosity.

My mother in law is a truly generous woman. And the first Christmas I did with her was incredibly confusing. She gave me SOOO many gifts. And of course I had brought her something, her son helped me pick it out. But it was one gift, and she’d bought me a house full. And because my family does gifting with strings, it was very uncomfortable. So, my advice is to be very frank with her if you want to buy her any gifts or give her any money. Tell her the real reasons you want to do this for her and ask her if she’s comfortable before you give her anything. Edited to add- Thank you for the silver kind friend.

oshiitake −  I also came from an abusive home, and I have always had difficulty with receiving gifts, especially expensive ones. In my home growing up, gifts weren’t given without strings attached. Any time I did something considered “wrong,” I was reminded of the gifts I’d received or things that were done for me in years past and called ungrateful, or worse. It’s possible her situation is similar. My upbringing caused me to feel like I’m constantly on one side of a scale with each person and I always need to keep it level.

When you’ve been raised that way, it can be hard to get out of that bubble and realize not everyone you meet has those expectations. I had the same issue when my in-laws started including me in holiday gift giving before I married my husband, or when they first asked to celebrate my birthday with me. My best advice would be to sit down with her and have a conversation. Maybe take her for coffee and spend some one-on-one time.

When you feel comfortable, and when she seems more comfortable with you, explain that you gave her your gift to show that you care about her and that nothing was expected in return. If she seems receptive, then bring up that while you like and appreciate her gift, you don’t want her to feel that she owed it to you. Go from there. It took me a while before I was comfortable opening up completely around my in-laws. Now, I’m closer to them than most of my own family. Your care for her will do her lots of good.

caecilianworm −  My mother in law noticed that I was kind of freaking out whenever she was really generous with me, and she gave me a nice little speech that made me feel better. She said something kind of like “One of the nicest things about being my age is being able to spend more money on whatever you want. I like to be able to give you and my kids nice things, and I have no expectations that you get me anything. It’s something I do for you because I love you.” It was really sweet and helped calm me down a little.

Lordica −  I’d first talk about this and your concerns with your son. It sounds as if she may feel the need to keep “even” with you so giving her money and buying more gifts could cause more harm than good. See if your son thinks sitting down with her to reassure her that your gifts are given without strings or any need to reciprocate equally is a good idea. Some people respond to overt kindness while others are more comfortable when given space to approach on their own.

Pokemon_132 −  I think something you should do is see if you son wants to talk to her about getting therapy and then you pay for it. She clearly has issues caused by her parents and I think having someone she can help talk through her issues with is the best thing you can offer. This needs to be something your son talks to her about because she might take it the wrong way if you bring it up. This might even help your relationship with her improve for the better.

As for the money, talk to your son about it. He knows more about her than you and if you try and give her money she might think you are angry at her. If she needed that money, you can always give your son the money to spend on her/help with her bills.

[Reddit User] −  Just talk to her. Open up to her a little bit about you and she will probably open up to. If someone is comfortable and knows you are a safe person they will lean on you no matter how independent they are…

browsingtheproduce −  I want to add to the comments suggestion that you talk to your son about this before you do anything. He knows her best and should appreciate that you want to build an open, caring relationship with the woman he loves. He can hopefully help you navigate the best way to communicate to her that there are no hidden expectations when you give a gift and you hope she can receive them without feeling obligated to reciprocate.

My impression is that you already know this, but it’s worth repeating. Definitely don’t offer to return the gift or pay her back directly. Even if she gave it out of fear, she may be proud of the hard work and sacrifices that went into buying it. If you like it, wear it often. Instead of paying her back, maybe you and your son can come up with ways for you to help with her day to day expenses that won’t make her feel burdened with reciprocal obligations.

Giving her grocery or clothing store gift cards every few months would lighten her burden while still letting her control her own budget. When I was in college, a $100 Whole Foods gift card would substantially change the way I shopped and cooked for a solid two weeks. You could also mention to your son that you’d be happy to help with her medical expenses (physical or mental). There’s no good way for an almost-mother-in-law to suggest that her son’s partner might benefit from therapy, but you could offer a broader support in case she decides that she would benefit from talking to a therapist about her family situation.

WannaSeeMyBirthmark −  First let me say, you sound like a lovely person. My sons have had a few girlfriends and wives that I have fallen absolutely in love with. I love doing things for them, but I try to make sure before holidays that I tell them I remember what it’s like to be young and struggling to make ends meet and how bad and stressed it makes one feel at the holidays.

“This is why we have a no pressure to buy gifts rule. Holidays are for spending time with people we love and there are no expectations. I love you and I am happy that you show up. If I get you something, it’s because, well, I’m just a mom and it’s what I do.” When I do this, I can see them visibly relax. Like you, I just want them to know I love them and I don’t want them to feel obligated to reciprocate.

faitheH −  I had an in-law aunt that used to give me a big check for my birthdays. I didn’t ask for a cash gift. After a while I started buying her jewelry to assuage the guilt I felt for her spending money on me. I couldn’t afford it, but I felt like I had to keep up with her so the rest of the family wouldn’t be mad that I got money from her. It didn’t feel like the healthiest of relationships, to tell you the truth. I now think I should have just never cashed the checks, but I did need the money at the time.

I’m about to be a mother-in-law myself, I hope, and I’m worrying about the holidays with my daughter-in-law to be. The best advice I’ve gotten is to treat her like a daughter. But to tell you the truth I have concerns about giving her what I give my own daughter. I tend to splurge on the holidays. Obviously we have a good life now. And I don’t want her to feel obligated to my husband and I because we treated her well, or to feel like I’m in a position of power or control and will use it later to use this power for bad.

Lol. I just can’t seem to win. So many things could go wrong by giving your son’s girlfriend money. She already paid for an expensive gift she can’t really afford. Compiling that with giving her more may tip the feeling of awkwardness in the wrong direction. I think we should both go slow. I want to be a good, welcoming mother-in-law and to make our budding relationship about building a family with love and respect. Good luck.

Joshru −  Others have left great advice, specifically on talking with your son and also really trying to talk to this gal. Just wanna step out here and let you know that it sounds like you’re a great, caring person and you did well to solicit advices on this sub. I hope you follow through and it works out as best as it possibly could.