I [27f] have started doing all of the things my husband [28m] doesn’t want to do with me on my own.

A 27-year-old woman has been navigating tension in her marriage after embracing solo adventures her homebody husband doesn’t enjoy. While he was initially supportive, his attitude shifted when she started planning a trip abroad with her mother—something he opted out of despite her invitation.

Their once-loving relationship feels strained as he withdraws and avoids conversations about his feelings. She’s torn between pursuing her newfound independence and salvaging the bond with her husband.

‘ I [27f] have started doing all of the things my husband [28m] doesn’t want to do with me on my own.’

My husband doesn’t like to go out much. It’s not something that I’ve ever faulted him for or been mad at him about. We’ve never gotten in fights about it til now and it’s something he told me upfront when we had first gotten in the relationship 4 years ago. “I’m never going to be the kind of person that likes to go out a lot,

I just want to hang out at home” and I of course said that it was fine because that’s not a flaw to me, it’s just a character trait. I used to suffer from depression due to a lot of traumas in my life. I found it really hard to go outside at all, and especially alone. I missed out on a lot of experiences because of this.

In our first year of dating, he got me to have more confidence in myself so I stopped hiding. I got a therapist and have been on a wonderful little antidepressant. We got married one year later and I’m still happier than I have ever been, and I’m incredibly grateful to have him in my life. That hasn’t changed one bit. Now, I know that this isn’t want he does.

I know that he doesn’t stay inside because he’s depressed, it’s because it’s in his nature to be a housecat. And like I said, I’m still fine with that. Lately he’s not okay with me doing this, though. If I ask him if he wants to see a movie with me and he said “no” or the more common,

“I don’t know, maybe” I’ll usually ask him two more times and then if he still says no or “maybe” I’ll go by myself. It’s the same with going out to dinner, taking little classes, etc. We had fun with this at first. I would come home from doing the thing and then I would excitedly tell him what I’d done and the people I’d met.

He’d happily listen and hug me and kiss me on the forehead. It was a really beautiful thing. At one point we called it “my little adventures” and I would take polaroid pictures and show them to him and then hang them on the kitchen wall. It was a seriously beautiful point in our relationship and the times that we would go out and take polaroids together were some of the happiest times in my life.

I even made it a point to have us do / go to things that *he* liked to do. It was great. It was seriously so great. About two years ago I asked him, “Hey, I’ve been really passionate about learning a language and eventually going to this languages place of origin. Do you want to study it with me and then go there too?” and he said no to the language,

but maybe to going with me. Cut to now and I’m pretty damn good at this language. I decided about four months ago that I am going to this place. I asked him and he would still like to come with me and he said no and got kind of upset that I had learned this language without him. “You’re the one that’s going to know anything, there’s really no point in me going.”

I was kind of taken aback because during the process he was really supportive. I didn’t really push it, but I apologized and went somewhere else to clear my head about things and we were fine later on that day. I bought the tickets for me and my mother to go “the place” about four weeks ago and ever since then, things have been really tense.

If I ask him to do minor things, like come to the grocery store with me, he gets a bit of an attitude. I can tell that he knows this is ridiculous though, because he’ll say sorry almost immediately and be sad and quiet the rest of the time. I’ve tried to talk to him about what’s bothering him, but he keeps either saying that it’s nothing and he doesn’t want to talk about it,

or will tell me not to press it and then get mad and leave. I don’t know what to do at this point. Our relationship has been so great, but I can feel things being strained. I can feel him kind of slipping away. I don’t know what to do. I thought about buying him a ticket to “the place” anyway and surprising him,

because I really would love it if he could go with me and I know for a fact it’s somewhere he’s always been interested in. But I also don’t want to force him, because I hate forcing people to do things. However, I also don’t want to do stop having these experiences for myself just because he doesn’t want to.

I’ve never faulted him for wanting to be at home, so why is he faulting me for wanting to be outside? I don’t know how to talk to him or what to say. If I have to stop doing things, then… I guess I will? But I also feel bad for having to stop, but it’s not worth getting a divorce over or having things escalate that bad. I just don’t know what to do or where to go from here.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

TheSparrowStillFalls −  He probably feels ashamed that he’s such an introvert/housecat, and wishes he was more adventurous and ambitious. While he may have always wanted to learn the language and go to that place, it seemed to him like far too much effort… A pipe dream, something that people dream about but never actually accomplish.

Then you did it in four months, and all he has to show for how he spent the last four months is a few finished seasons on Netflix. Even if you’re legitimately just doing it for yourself and not being passive aggressive towards him, and don’t think less of him, he’s responding from a place of shame and defensiveness.. That’s his problem, I’m afraid.

KatCole7 −  This is one of those cases where I think you should tell him *everything* you just said here, you could even show him this post if you wanted. If you decide to tell him all of this, sit him down and ask him to first just hear you out. Add in that you are worried about your relationship, and you want to fix things.

He’s unhappy about something, and you are unhappy because seeing him unhappy and worrying he is unhappy because you are doing something that may be contributing to his unhappiness in and of itself makes you unhappy. The only way to fix this, is to talk about it. If he doesn’t want to talk about the particular thing bothering him, it doesn’t mean that you can’t still talk about how it’s affecting the relationship.

Strangeandweird −  This reminds me of the time I say no to something because I don’t want to step out of my comfort zone but later regret it completely. He’s grumbling to himself, he probably wants to go with you and half of him doesn’t. I think you should ask one last time.

Maybe he feels you gave up too easily? (You shouldn’t have to obviously but some people deal with stuff immaturely) If you had coaxed him maybe he would’ve said yes and now his ego won’t let him ask for more. Give him a way out. Tell him you would love for him to go and you always imagined the holiday with him but you’ll understand if he doesn’t want to.

This is a very no pressure way of asking. Get a very clear no and then move on with your conscience clear. If he wants something he needs to express it properly and reading his mind is not a skill you should have to learn. Enjoy your vacations and then see his attitude.

If he’s still in regret mode then ask for counseling. Tell him you want clear and concise communication. If he wants something he should say it. If he’s hesitating then you’re right there to hold his hand. He only has to ask.

godrestsinreason −  Let him stew. He chose not to do these things with you, and he told you he doesn’t want to go anyway. He’s pulling you in two different directions. I would go on your vacation and let him deal with his problems on his own, but if you really want to make an effort, I suggest marriage counselling.

lamamaloca −  I’m reading this as him not being happy that you’re going, but realizing that this is his own problem and not yours and so not pushing the issue. He doesn’t have to be happy about it, honestly. I would call him out on individual bad behavior, although it sounds like he apologizes for any slip ups.

I do wonder, were you like “I’m going to this place, would you like to come with me?” or “I want to plan a vacation to this place, and I’d really like you to go with me. Are you interested?” A vacation to another country is a lot different to an outing or a day trip,

and if it came across like you didn’t really care whether he was there or not it could seem pretty hurtful. When he said, “there’s no point in me going,” did you respond assuring him that he’d add something to the trip whether he knew the language or not?

warpus −  . “You’re the one that’s going to know anything, there’s really no point in me going.” Hey there, I’m an introverted (usually solo) traveller who often flies to countries where I don’t speak the language at all. Don’t let that argument convince you! It’s absolutely not true.

On my first big trip I went to Chile with a friend who speaks Spanish and that was a lot of fun too! My travel buddy didn’t mind doing all the talking, and I didn’t mind having someone there who speaks the language with me. It’s not a problem unless you make it one.

[Reddit User] −  Someone else mentioned counseling and I think that’s a solid route to take given the nature of how things are on both the sides of not really having an in between to resolve the situation (and it’s really not this one trip but also any type of similar events/trips/movies, etc. from the past as well as those going forward) and the distinct breakdown of communication that is occurring as well.

I also find it odd given the nature of things, you seem very lax in terms of how different the two of you are in terms of personalities/goals. “I of course said that it was fine because that’s not a flaw to me, it’s just a character trait.” Some traits that differ people are not compatible with. This particular introvert/extrovert difference is finally coming to a head in your relationship.

Yes early on it was small things, but essentially it sounds like you have your life, he has his, and when you go out and do things you document/report back to him. For some people this may work, for others it may not.. One thing to note: ” I even made it a point to have us do / go to things that he liked to do”.

How often has that been happening as of late? Do these outings still happen somewhat frequently? This may be a thing to discuss, i.e. going back to these joint/type of things if you have gotten away from that.

[Reddit User] −  It’s kind of tough s**t to be honest, if he doesn’t want to go that’s fine but life is too short to let people hold you back

[Reddit User] −  Let him be upset. He has no legit reason to be. He’s probably upset with himself for not being the kind of person who wants to do things with his spouse.. Don’t buy him a ticket.

[Reddit User] −  He’s worried that you’re going to meet someone who’ll make you happier than him and that you’ll leave him. Also, as a result of his behaviour, you’re way more likely to meet someone who’ll make you happier than he does and you’ll leave him. It’s not your problem though, it’s his. Counselling should be your next sidequest.