I (22M) have always bottled up my feelings, but my GF (23F) wants me to open up more to her.

A young man raised to suppress his emotions is seeking guidance on how to open up to his girlfriend, Katie, who values emotional vulnerability in their relationship. After her mother’s funeral, Katie confronted him about his reluctance to share his feelings, leading to a heated exchange.

While she’s now taking time to heal, he wants to use this time to improve his emotional communication and strengthen their bond. For the full story and his challenges, read more below.

‘ I (22M) have always bottled up my feelings, but my GF (23F) wants me to open up more to her.’

I was raised by a very traditional single dad. Among the many ideals he instilled in me was that crying is a sign of weakness in men, to the point where he actually scolded me for crying, even for more serious issues like being bullied at school. It happened enough times that, by the time I reached adulthood, I was a very private person who didn’t really open up to anyone.

Fast forward to now. I’d been dating my GF, Katie, for about 4-5 months (though we knew each other for longer.) She’s a very sweet and loving person, and we do have fun together. She also respects the fact that I don’t like being vulnerable around people. Unlike other girls, Katie can tell I’m not just some c**ep or robot with no feelings.

She knows I’m in some sort of emotional pain, but, being a creature of habit, I just kept my default response to “I’m all right,” even when I wasn’t. Bottling up my feelings is like a reflex to me; I just do it without thinking. Last week, Katie’s mom passed away, and the funeral was yesterday. There was one moment that made me really close to crying, and Katie noticed me,

but I just couldn’t let myself do it. In my head, I thought clearing my head of my own feelings would help me focus on supporting Katie. SHE’S the one who deserved to bawl her eyes out, not me. Well, that didn’t sit well with Katie. During the car ride home, she went OFF on me, accusing of having a “male ego,”

and how I cared more about looking like a “macho man” who didn’t cry than letting her know how I felt. “I’ve opened up to you about everything, but you never do the same for me!” She went on and on like that until I dropped her off at her apartment, and angrily told her to “Get out.” I’m normally not fazed by people yelling at me, but that really struck a nerve with me.

Now, Katie’s going out of town with her family for a while to heal from their loss. She did call me later, and apologized profusely for yelling at me. I told her that she should just focus on healing from the loss of her mom right now, and I promised I’d be ready to talk to her again when she gets back from her trip. She thanked me, and we hung up.

While she’s gone, I want to put more effort in learning how to open up to her in a way that’s healthy and effective. I want to be able to talk to her about my issues without seeing her as my mom or therapist or anything (I never knew my real mom.) How should I go about handling this?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

juicyjake32 −  It’s not easy. I’m married now and have been with my wife for 5 years. I’m a bottle it up kind of guy and she is hyper sensitive/emotional. It wont be easy to open up to her but you just have to start by being honest with the little stuff and letting it develop. You will have set backs and revert to bottling things up but you can do make things work.

I would recommend a therapist to help work through this as I dont really know that anything I said will help but just know you can make it work and wanting to open up is the first (and biggest) step

Snaccysnacc −  First I want to say kudos to you for wanting to work on yourself. Secondly, grief is a hard place to be and brings out a lot of unintended reactions, unfortunately. As for working on yourself, try journaling first. Or maybe even a therapist. That way you can separate the fear of triggering a reaction with your words while also being vulnerable with your feelings.

Try writing how you feel. Keep the notebook with you. Use a google doc, whatever. It’s about practicing leaning into your emotions and thoughts. And not all thoughts are emotional. Sometimes it’s just about voicing your point of view. Additionally I think your gf may be getting upset because she may feel you don’t trust her with your sentiments.

Like you’re holding back and don’t want to connect with her. Try approaching this with her directly and she can help you. “Babe, it isn’t that I don’t want to share. It’s that I don’t know how and I’m afraid that when I share I’ll be shut down. Not because of you, but because of my upbringing. Maybe you can help me talk and I’ll give answers as I can?” Something like that.
Lastly, check out the Gottman Card Decks app. Lotsa conversation prompts there.

Independent_Solid_27 −  You need therapy. Like yesterday. I don’t need to go into how wrong your approach to your own feelings are, how unhealthy this is for you and anyone you “love”, and how toxic this would be for any children you have. It’s not your fault your father raised you this way.

It is 100% your responsibility to correct it and become an emotionally intelligent and well adjusted person because no matter how many excuses you make for yourself you are neither of those things right now. You also need to realize that while these lunatics in the comments say she was “wrong” to yell at you. This girl is in serious pain.

Her mother just died and she has opened up to you with NOTHING in return. That is hard to do and it really really pushes people away and makes them feel lonely. Have you ever heard of “trying to squeeze blood from a stone”. When you shut her out like this it’s painful for her. And isolating.

And here she is suffering a LOT with this death and you won’t even share your feelings to comfort her. Or to help her feel not alone. For her, you standing silently is you completely disconnected. Any therapist will tell you this is bad news for relationships.

Vulnerability with loved ones is special and important and it’s how we actually get to experience real love and security. When you give someone your vulnerability and get some back it becomes a bond. Otherwise your relations remain shallow and surface level.

She needs you to open up right now. And you need to do that for yourself too. No one is trying you to read poems in front of huge crowds but you have to let HER in at least. Or you will be miserable.

def_not_tripping −  My ex was like you, had a hard time opening up and that caused so many problems, it ended. You and many guys were raised by the gen that told you to “man up” when emotions and being able to express them is what makes us human. It will always cause problems in every relationship. It’s ok to be vulnerable, and crying is a healthy form of releasing whatever it is you need to release.

Independent-Library6 −  Well you showed a bit of emotion and she got super pissed and screamed at you for not doing a good enough job. I would cut her some slack because of her mom but if you really want to work on this I’d recommend a therapist. I don’t think your girlfriend is going to be able to help you through this as much as you probably hope.

iSoReddit −  Buy the book “no more mr nice guy” and don’t be that guy

sqitten −  I recommend you see a real therapist. Your father really did a lot of harm to you, and it’s not going to be easy to undo, but it is possible. But I think you’d need a professional involved. I’m sorry she yelled at you, and I am glad she apologized. She was wrong to yell at you, but I am glad you did recognize that she’s clearly really upset right now and presumably not acting her best.

scurvy4all −  Always remember these are your. feelings.. What do you do with your stuff.. That’s all I got.

FuzzyPossession2 −  Once you start opening up about how certain things make you feel, she will likely come to realize she can’t handle the baggage or your feelings. Tread lightly friend, there’s a reason you are the way you are and if YOU don’t feel the need to talk about certain things. Then don’t be pressured to do so.