UPDATE: My (28F) partner (33M) doesn’t want to commit to showing up when he says he will.

The user (28F) updated about confronting her partner (33M) regarding his consistent lateness and lack of communication. She learned that his unreliability stemmed from a mix of depression, habits from his upbringing, and lack of awareness about how it impacted others. After an honest and heartfelt conversation, he acknowledged the issue and committed to improving.

While it hasn’t been perfect, he’s made significant strides in being more reliable. The user also reflected on her own emotional responses, acknowledging her manipulative tendencies and committing to healthier communication.

For those who want to read the previous part: https://aita.pics/cBfbc

‘ UPDATE: My (28F) partner (33M) doesn’t want to commit to showing up when he says he will.’

SO, after reading this and realizing that my partner was having a problem with drugs/drinking and calling multiple friends, I sat down with him after having a blowout fight and had a real conversation about boundaries. I asked him why he didn’t want to commit to showing up, and he said he didn’t think it was a big deal because he’d been doing it all his life to everyone.

Even his close friends, who have confronted him about as well. He was just raised like that where it was never guaranteed that someone would show up, which seems a bit…weird to me. Some of the “laziness” around showing up had to do with his depression, which I totally get. There have been days where I couldn’t even make it out of bed. It’s not really a choice you have sometimes.

He realized that I was really upset about it (finally), and after I said that I need to feel like I can trust his word, he said he’d try. And it’s been about a month, and it hasn’t been exactly smooth, but he’s stuck to his word—shown up when he said he would, communicated when/if he would be more than an hour late.

Another big thing is that I realized I was behaving in emotionally m**ipulative ways as well—guilting, shaming, stonewalling. It was in response to his flippancy, but it wasn’t helpful for either of us. He’s always been calm with me and very clear that he wants to work on our issues together. That’s what counts to me.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

LadyArctostaphylos −  So….he’s 33 but never realized that people are generally on time? Does he not have a job? Ever had a doctor or dentist appointment? Ever taken a plane? How does he manage to be on time for those things? I think you’re in for a painful relationship with this guy.

facebook57 −  OP, this doesn’t sound like that much of an improvement. He’s still doing the same things, just texting you more about them. He still hasn’t addressed the underlying substance abuse or depression issues in a meaningful way. Do you think you deserve a partner this terrible? I’m here to tell you that you don’t.

despecific −  Were you guilting and shaming? Or did he just feel guilt and shame when you mention shameful things he has done, that he feels guilty about? Asking someone to respect your time is not the same as guilting them for failing to respect your time, even if it makes them feel guilty.

Freefalafelin −  I’m confused. Did I miss the part where you spoke to him about his substance abuse problem? What I read is that there was no resolution to any issue at all.

SurnaLynn −  Ok, so I’ve read both of your posts and I have to say that I’ve dated this type of dude before. The depression, flakiness, substance abuse, total disregard for your feelings/time, lack of empathy etc. I also struggle with anxiety and depression. You know what makes it worse? Dating a guy like this.

I am usually a pretty level headed, rational person but with my ex, I was constantly anxious, crying, yelling and absolutely frustrated and it was because I was dating an emotionally cold and immature person. Like your boyfriend, he convinced me that his s**tty behavior wasn’t the problem, it was actually my “dramatic/over sensitive/crazy” reactions to said s**tty behavior.

When we broke up, everything changed. I even noticed that my resting heart rate plummeted when we broke up due to my fitness tracker. I really don’t think it sounds like you resolved anything. He’s now going to *text* you when he knows he’s going to be hours late to hang out with you? Yay. He’s said that he’s always behaved this way in the past because people in his life just deal with it.

Is that really OK to you? What kind of future do you honestly see with someone like this? Reliability is basic necessity to anyone in a relationship. This man is 33. He’s not going to change. He’s going to placate you for a few weeks and then go right back to his BS behavior because you keep putting up with it.

Please know there are better partners for you other there that: care about your feelings, will be respectful of your time, won’t abuse drugs to the point that they *fall asleep and leave you outside for 30 mins,* etc. I really think you should work on your self respect and self esteem. If you had a healthy relationship with yourself, you wouldn’t put up with this.

KalonetteA2019 −  At 28 you have so many options for dating.. It’s right in that sweet spot age-wise for dating. Please know there are sober, mature, loving men you could be dating who communicate without you mothering them. You could be working on bigger life goals with them rather than working on not lying and not doing drugs. Please consider this before you’re 30 with the same problems.

felinebyline −  communicated when/if he would be more than an hour late. Whoa, if this represents a significant improvement in your relationship, you’ve set the bar way too low.

crookedparadigm −  Wow, he conned you pretty good into thinking that your concern was you being m**ipulative.

billnaisciguy −  Yikes. It’s hardly been a month since your last post and he is 33…. this is him, he thinks it’s normal for people to be late and doesn’t want to change. You’re willing to let alcohol and d**g abuse slide to keep the status quo. In fact, it sounds as though he gaslit you into thinking you were a major part of this issue.

He is emotionally addicted to alcohol and weed, you aren’t holding him accountable, he has no reason to hold himself accountable. This is going to get worse. You are not healthy enough for this relationship. Seriously. Get yourself into counseling and figure out why you’re afraid of being alone to the point that you’ll stay with someone who doesn’t respect your time, abuses substances, and doesn’t give a s**t about hurting you.

itsmeoldjoe −  So, is it laziness? Is it depression? Is it the way he was raised? How about lack of respect, commitment issues, irresponsibility? We really don’t know, do we, and neither, it seems, do you. Or him. This is not the behavior of a person in an adult relationship. Or a loving partner. But we’re all over the place trying to determine root cause. And until you do that, you may end of focusing on the wrong problem.

Not only isn’t it the behavior of someone in a relationship, normal adults just don’t act that way. I’m not trying to rough the guy up, I’m suggesting something else is at play, reason or reasons that may reveal deeper problems. Laziness alone doesn’t explain it. Depression may. But something leads me to believe the flag may be a deeper red than you may think.

I’d be interested to know how the rest of your relationship is going. I mean, when he shows up. Is it a loving, adult, mutually respectful one? How do your conversations go? In other words, what else isn’t right? I suggest you may be headed for trouble down the road if this isnt examined thoroughly and fixed.

What you may be dealing with is a symptom of the real issue. And if there’s one symptom, there generally will be others. Don’t wait around for them to manifest. Examine your whole relationship, evaluate where you are, and especially where you are going.

Do you like the direction you’re headed overall? I bet not, because this level of disrespect for you has to have negative consequences throughout your relationship. You’re headed for big trouble, I fear, if this isn’t fixed. Best to find out now. Best of luck to you. Ol’ Joe

Relationships thrive when both partners are willing to acknowledge their faults and work together toward change. Do you think this couple’s efforts will lead to lasting improvements, or are deeper challenges still ahead? Share your thoughts below!