How do I [F37] tell my daughter [MtF16] that her father and family don’t want her coming for Christmas?

A mother (37F) is struggling with how to tell her transgender daughter (MtF, 16) that her father and his family no longer want her at Christmas due to her transition. The daughter, Claire, has been excited about seeing her cousins and participating in family traditions, and the mother is concerned about how to protect her from the hurtful rejection and prevent it from affecting her emotionally. Read the full story below:

‘ How do I [F37] tell my daughter [MtF16] that her father and family don’t want her coming for Christmas?’

My daughter Claire is transgender. She has known this since the age of 11 and so have I. We have been to a psychiatrist and she’s been on hormone blockers for a few years now. But she has only just recently at the beginning of the school year come out as a transgender woman to the rest of the world. I’m so very proud of her.

Now for some background. Her father and I married young and we were separated when she was just a toddler. I got primary custody because he was often in and out of jail for petty crime. He got visitation. One day a month and she visits his family for Christmas Eve and Easter because they are pretty religious and those are the holidays they like the most.

For the past few months, my ex Jeff has been ‘too busy’ to take Claire on their once a month bonding day. She looks forward to it because she has a lot of fun and her dad basically spoils her. I thought it was suspicious that this started as soon as she came out but Clair always sees the best in people. I finally got confirmation this weekend that it’s because he thinks I ruined our ‘son’.

He says until I make Claire stop this nonsense that he is not coming to see her and that she is no longer invited to his family for holidays. His mother called me as well and said that it’s my fault she’s like this because I raised her with no male influence. I told her I wasn’t the one who raised her son to be a criminal with no reliability.

I lost my temper at her and I regret it but I want to protect my daughter. Claire has been excited to see all her cousins since a lot of them are young and she loves playing with kids and babies. She doesn’t know yet that she has been uninvited because she is trans, or as they say ‘a mentally ill freak’.

How do I go about telling her this without breaking her heart? Or making her depressed? I know we can always do something together that night but she loves traditions and they’re important to her and it will hurt her to know that her family thinks of her that way.

See what others had to share with OP:

[Reddit User] −  Good on you for prioritizing her interests in this. She’s 16 and she has already gone through so much more self-awareness than people her age. You have to tell her. You don’t have to go into details and comments because that’s unnecessary, but she still deserves to know. Just reinforce that you support her, you defended her, things like that. Do you have other plans for Christmas now?

littlewoolie −  Give your daughter’s psychiatrist a head’s up and ask him/her for advice on how to tell her. None of us on here would know how Claire will take the news, but a professional who’s been working with her will have a better idea as well as helping her talk through her feelings before and after Xmas.

We always go on actual Christmas day to my parents with my sister. She doesn’t have children so it’s just the five of us. Maybe you can plan a home Xmas dinner for you and your daughter to invite your own family friends. That way, she can still hang out with some kids her own age and you can have some friendly support. Maybe put on the TV to have a Xmas movie night with everyone after dinner as well.

Ghosthost1 −  “I told her I wasn’t the one who raised her son to be a criminal with no reliability.” Zing! This is awesome, OP. You’re awesome.

[Reddit User] −  Look at the bright side: she doesn’t have to sit through a Christmas hearing demeaning comments about her identity. She will have Christmas with people who love her and support her for who she is, not who they want her to be. As far as your question goes, I guess I would phrase it like “Your dad’s family isn’t ready to accept you for who you are, and that is their loss.

They are in denial, and they think that they can change you by not inviting you for Christmas. I’m sorry Claire. We both know you deserve better.” Also, I would look into maybe having her join a LGTB group or find a mentor for her, especially if she is having trouble in school, like you mention in the comments.

[Reddit User] −  You’re going to have tell her in some way and hopefully she doesn’t take it too much to heart. She is not the problem, her “family” is the problem (not you, obviously) as if I had kids I could never see myself turning my backs on them unless they did a serious crime. Claire just wants to be who she is and alot of bigots can’t understand that because it’s “different” and unknown,

the unknown scares them even though everyone is unique. Basically, you will have to tell her as she is nearing adulthood now and she will turn on you if you don’t tell her, she needs to know what these people are like, that they musn’t really love her in the first place if they are willing to give up on her over this. F**k them, she deserves better.

coochers −  This is going to be difficult to announce this hateful news for Claire. Honestly, there isn’t a way without breaking Claire’s heart and making her feel upset. I would be honest with her and try to do something with Claire. Maybe you and your daughter can create new Christmas traditions, spend the holiday with friends who care about her, and try to make this holiday special for her.

davelover −  I don’t have any advice but you are a great mom! Good luck and Merry Christmas to you both.

worriedmamabear −  Thank you for all the help so far. I have to get some sleep now but I’ll be back tomorrow after work to check on this.

allyourcritbotthings −  Hey, so you have a professional that specializes in dealing with difficult things that knows you and your daughter. Call them and get their help with how to approach this.

RememberKoomValley −  Is there any way you can arrange meetings with her cousins that don’t involve her s**tty dad and grandma?

The hurtful situation at hand requires delicate handling, and honesty combined with compassion is key. Perhaps the mother could focus on how much Claire is loved and supported by her, and together they can create new, empowering traditions that affirm Claire’s identity. What would you say in this difficult situation? Share your thoughts below.

For those who want to read the sequel: https://aita.pics/pfGuP