AITA for refusing to help my partner financially?

A Reddit user shared their experience of conflict with their partner over finances. The user refused to lend their partner $30k for a European trip for his daughter, citing that it was not an emergency and the expense wasn’t justified.

Despite being able to afford the loan, the user felt it wasn’t their responsibility, which led to accusations of favoritism and tension in their relationship. Read the full story below to explore the details of this financial dilemma.

‘ AITA for refusing to help my partner financially?’

I(43F) have been with my partner(50M) for 6 years now. We have been living together for 5 of them. We are not married and we do not plan to marry in the future.
I have a son(19M) that is currently a highschool senior. My partner has a daughter(21F) who is going to college.

The background you need to understand the issue: when I met my partner I was a widow of 3 years. I am lucky enough to have a very lucrative business and some family money. Also my late husband left a substantial estate, including the house we live in. The house is a family home so it passed to my son as the only heir. My partner also makes good money and the difference in our lifestyles was pretty much negligible.

But while I and my late husband made sure to not spoil our son (he was responsible for keeping his room clean even though we have a house keeper, he had chores during the weekends, we taught him how to cook, his allowance is reasonable, he has to save for expensive purchases like a car, a PS5…etc). My current partner and his ex-wife spoil their daughter rotten.

Due to an incident when we first moved in together (she demanded my son’s bedroom since it was the second biggest, got rejected since it was his home and she only spends the weekend), and after some family therapy we agreed that she will be treated like a guest by me. She will have to follow the house rules and that it the extent of our relationship.

Now while she is spoiled she is a good girl, academically excellent, except for the aforementioned incident very respectful and just a pleasant young woman.
The probelm is that I did not know the extent to which my partner spent money on her. He pays some money as “rent” that I put into my son’s college fund and we split the common bills in half.

Everything else is our own responsibility so we don’t know much about each other’s finances. Now my son is planning to do a tour of east Asia during the summer and I was happy to give him the money to do so (as a gift for getting into a very prestigious college). When my stepdaughter heard about it she asked her dad to pay for a tour of Europe since he didn’t send her on one after she got into college.

He agreed because he never says no, but he came to me asking me to lend him close to $30k because he can’t afford the trip on his own. I am not even giving that much to my son and his plane tickets are more expensive. I refused. I said that since this wasn’t an emergency he can save and send her on the trip after she graduates college.

Now he is not talking to me, saying that I am chosing favourites (I have no relationship with his daughter so I don’t know how that even is applicable) and that I am putting money over his happiness and relationship with his daughter. So AITA? I can easily afford to lend him the full amount I just don’t want to, because his reasons are not convincing enough.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

SuperDoctorAstronaut −  NTA.. WTF. My first European vacation was when I was 31 years old and cost a total of roughly $2500 including airfare.. Jesus Christ.

whatsmynameagain55 −  NTA. Congratulations to your son for doing well and getting into a great school! Traveling is such a great experience for the soul!
However, your partner is super out of touch. Good luck.

TurtleTheMoon −  NTA. $30k for a vacation?!!?? That’s a year’s rent at $2500/month. That’s insane. If he’s not talking to you, then count your blessings.

[Reddit User] −  NTA.. To clear this up- Your son wants to go on a trip and you offered to pay as a gift for his hard work. A+ parenting and also being a cool parent. Because of this, your partners daughter felt entitled to a trip. Which happens to cost twice as much for some reason (i don’t really know if its double but whatever)

However, your partner cannot afford the trip. So instead of being an adult and telling his daughter. Giving her the option of a cheaper trip, she pitch in, or waiting while he saves. Your partner thinks it makes more sense to demand 30 grand from you. That about sums it up? I- I can’t even fathom what your partner is thinking.

Does saying no once, seriously mean his daughter will love him less? He sees no issue with having a transactional relationship with his child? Was this not the wake up call he needs to see how toxic the relationship he has with his daughter is?

Please, let me know if I missed anything. Because I don’t know how your partner could be an even bigger ass but I’m sure he’ll suprise us and you at this rate.
Edit: These are my first rewards so I want to say thank you SO much to those who bestowed them upon me. I can not voice my appreciation enough. Truly, I am grateful

Superman530 −  In your split financial setup, you aren’t ‘playing favorites’. You are giving your son a gift. He can give his daughter a similar gift if he chooses, but it’d be on him to pay for it. This makes my head hurt. Obviously things would be different if you had shared finances, but you don’t. Hard NTA.

Mamertine −  Info generally, You pay for your son and he pays for his daughter?. I’m inclined to.
NTA. You haven’t combined your finances. It’s your money, you get to do what you want.

missusscamper −  NTA.What in the world?? How/why would a trip around Europe cost that much for a college-aged person?? EurRail pass and stay in hostels!!
Also your boyfriend should ask his ex-wife about helping to fund this extravagant trip that he clearly can’t afford before asking you. Or he should just say no and get a spine.

laude_nam −  NTA Your his partner not a bank ATM. He needs to live within his means and if he wants to spoil his daughter he can do it on his own dime. $30K for a trip to Europe for a 21 year old is ridiculous.

Embarrassed_Mud_5650 −  NTA. You have separate finances and your kids are separate. This is not your problem. Also, the fact he needs a loan is a red flag concerning whether he is preparing for retirement or planning for you to pay for it. This is a good limit to set as it makes clear that he truly is responsible for his own finances.

Born-Problem-8280 −  NTA, you response was very reasonable. If he wants to spend big bucks on his daughter then he can save to do so.

Do you think the user was right to set boundaries on financial assistance, or should they have helped their partner for the sake of family harmony? How would you handle such a situation in a blended family dynamic? Share your thoughts below!