I (21F) am conflicted. My boy friend (21M) is in the military and is going to be stationed in Hawaii for three years. They barely told him yesterday. I don’t know if to stay or go with him

A Reddit user is facing a tough decision about whether to move to Hawaii with her boyfriend, who is in the military and will be stationed there for three years. They’ve been together for a year and a half, and while her boyfriend wants her to join him, the user is concerned about the impact on her career and future, particularly with her law school aspirations. She is also weighing the emotional cost of being far from her close-knit family and the financial burden of transferring schools. Read the full story below…

‘ I (21F) am conflicted. My boy friend (21M) is in the military and is going to be stationed in Hawaii for three years. They barely told him yesterday. I don’t know if to stay or go with him’

I am conflicted, therefore, I wanted some help on what to do. I have looked up career possibilities as a “moving” military girl friend, maybe some day wife. My boy friend really wants me to go with him, but I don’t know if it’s the best thing for me, career wise. Currently, I’m in school, going for my bachelor’s degree. I only have two years left, and after that, I plan on getting into law school. He’s in the Air Force, stationed in Texas. Which he’s been here for about three years now. We have been together for 1 and a half.

Knowing that he’s going “overseas”, it’s possible he’ll be stationed in different countries for a few years. What’s holding me back is my career. Law school isn’t meant to be jumping around from country to country without knowing where you’ll land permanently due to the bar exam. Also, we aren’t married and I don’t know if I should risk my career (which I’ve been very committed to being a lawyer) for a future that’s a bit warped. I did see that I can become a programmer and it’ll be versatile, but that’s not what I truly want to do.

Sure, Hawaii seems amazing, but more of a 3 year long vacation with a questionable future. We both agreed that long distance wouldn’t work since I would be all the way in Texas. Is it bad that I want to go but don’t want to risk it all just to be put in a bad situation of misery? Also, if I do go, I’d have to transfer schools, and go to school in Hawaii. That’s already a very high tuition, that has to be paid by fasfa and student loans. Quite frankly, I’m also afraid that I won’t be able to sustain myself, separately from my boy friend’s income.

I like to feel independent, and know that I can fend for myself. Maybe that’s a pride issue? I don’t know, but I do know it’s a high standard of living. That also adds to the jumble of thoughts. I will also admit, I am fairly close to my parents. In my Hispanic household, we have always been very united. I currently work with them in their small business because it benefits the both of us. I can go to school with a flexible schedule and still make good income and they have a stable employee.

That’s something my boy friend never really knew growing up. He’s a Kansas boy, from a small town, with parents who split up when he was little. I feel like he doesn’t understand how hard it’ll hit my parents and I, being far away for three years. It also bothers them a bit that I’m not married but willing to leave not knowing what’ll happen in the relationship.

TL;DR: My boy friend is in the military and is being stationed in Hawaii. We have been together for one year and a half. We are currently In Texas. I want to go to law school, but moving around will be difficult. i’m trying to do what’s best for the both of us, what’ll benefit my career, how it’ll affect my parents and what’s the best choice since I’m not married, In the long run.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

[Reddit User] −  I’d be very hesitant to go. Yeah it sucks, but the fact you are going to have to uproot, change schools, deal with expensive housing, FAFSA, etc etc etc seems like a no-brainer for you to stay in Texas. Good luck.

grapefruit938 −  Never put a man before your career at your age. ESPECIALLY if you want to go to law school. This is coming from a law grad.

[Reddit User] −  As a navy (subs) vet, let me chime in: Finish your BA. First. DO NOT embark on the milspouse ‘career’ track. You will ultimately find it unfulfilling, and resent him. Assuming you stay together. Also, if you have options he will be a lot less likely to s**ew around. (I don’t know him, but I do know military culture, and while a**ltery isn’t encouraged, it is pretty openly tolerated.) Besides, if the relationship can’t handle being apart for only 2 years…. And let’s not forget that him being deployed to a forward area will result in separation anyway. Better get used to it.

gordo0620 −  Hawaii has a very high cost of living. Could you even afford to live there?

NoMrBond3 −  Don’t give up on your dreams for any boy. If there was a way to make both work, then you would. But you have to choose one, and choose yourself and your future. I admit I’m looking at careers in an area where I know I would still be able to see my boyfriend, but I’m so close to family as well it’s something I probably would do anyway. Your dream is to be a lawyer, and dropping everything for him would severely impact that.

Transferring schools and having to work to keep up with the high cost of living would mess up your whole educational plan, and in the wise words of Michelle Obama “There is no boy at this age that is cute enough or interesting enough to stop you from getting your education”

UnsureThrowaway975 −  So, Im a military b**t (both parents military) and grew up watching relationships like yours play out. One of my parents is also from Hawaii pre-service. My advice? Without knowing anything about you and the strength of your relationship, DONT GO. For the love of everything holy, don’t go.

In this scenario, your bf has nothing to lose. Him asking you to come requires zero sacrifice and really no accomodation on his part. But it would require you to sacrifice alot and leave you extremely vulnerable. I mean, Hawaii has an extremely high cost of living and their schools arent exactly top class. The chance that things dont work out and youre stuck in an expensive af area that you don’t really want to be in is high. Even if you guys don’t break up, you may end up hating the area, your debt, etc and resenting him for it.

Is the military a career for him? Because, if so, you guys need to be able to handle long distance. Lawyers don’t exactly travel well in their careers.

lucybluth −  Wanting to be independent and self sufficient is absolutely not a pride issue! Financial independence is extremely important and you should prioritize figuring out what your own career options are first. And you two might just have to be long distance for a while until you figure it out. I know entirely too many women who can’t leave unhappy situations because they are dependent on their spouses.

I certainly hope the best for you and your boyfriend but if things ever did go south in the relationship, you definitely don’t want to be in a position where you’re broke, isolated from your family, and have limited job prospects in a high cost of living state.

xtlou −  When you’re married to/dating someone in the military, there’s no “what’s best for us” when you’re the spouse/partner. There’s his job, which is top priority because it requires deployments and moving, and then there’s what you can do in those situations, making the best of it.

You’re right in that his job isn’t really conducive to your educational goals. You can probably speed up the graduation date on your bachelor’s degree but that just gets you closer to law school. As a girlfriend, you’re more of an added expense because the military doesn’t pay to move you, your boyfriend doesn’t get increased funds to help cover the cost of living for a two person family, and you are sort of left on your own for insurance, getting a job, or any other sort of benefit a military spouse would get.

I know what that means because I moved cross country with my military boyfriend and had none of those resources. We were supposed to be in California for 2 years but after 9 months the military decided they needed my boyfriend somewhere else and changed his orders. The US military doesn’t say “hey, how do you feel about a transfer?,” they say “here’s where you’re going, you’re due there by _____.” There’s no guarantee that if you move to Hawaii, he’s there the duration.

We ended up moving back across the country to somewhere completely different. I put my own life on hold for several years because of his career. I’m not sorry I did it because it’s been 20 years since and we’re still together, but it was a really tough time. It’s hard being alone in a new area without your friends and family as a support network, dependent on someone who may or may not be able to be there for you because of their job, while you’re trying to get your own job or education lined up.

For someone in your situation, given your career goals and educational aspirations, going to Hawaii doesn’t make sense. A bachelor’s degree can be picked up from anywhere or even possible finished online but a law degree, internships, and profession? That’s not a “mobile” possibility, really. Only you can really answer for yourself if this is all worth it. Does your boyfriend plan to stay in the military for the duration of his work career? FWIW, being married doesn’t assure things go right. Being a military spouse is still hard and a deployment is a deployment.

beingniceisoverrated −  This situation is super hard but your career is the most important thing right now girl! Sounds like you’re doing really well and you shouldn’t compromise your dreams because of anyone. You may love him so much, and that’s completely okay but if it’s meant to be it’ll work out. Long distance is hard but with Skype they seem so much closer, a lot of people do it successfully.

You don’t want any regrets. If you move you don’t want any thoughts ‘of what could have been’, you’ll only end up hating each other because of it. Also family will support you when times get hard (exams etc) you need them close, especially if you’re a family girl.
I really hope you figure it out, hope this helps!

ninasayers21 −  “Some women chose to follow men and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you’re wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you it doesn’t love you anymore.”

Honestly, 21 is too young to give up your dreams for a boyfriend. You have so much time to pursue your goals, set yourself up for success and happiness, and meet a man who will support you and love you. Dropping your education to follow a guy who will be stationed all over isn’t your dream and you know that.