AITA for refusing to give “back” a gift that my boyfriend’s daughter (13) had already refused to accept?

A Reddit user, in a relationship with a man who has two daughters, shares the story of giving Christmas gifts to her boyfriend’s daughters. While the younger daughter was appreciative, the older daughter refused to accept the gift and acted dismissively.

After some time, the older daughter requested the necklace, but the user decided not to give it back, saying she wasn’t going to return a gift that was rejected. The boyfriend agrees with the user’s stance, but the user’s sister believes she is making things harder by not simply giving the necklace back. Read the full story below:

‘ AITA for refusing to give “back” a gift that my boyfriend’s daughter (13) had already refused to accept?’

My boyfriend (37M) has two daughters. A 10 year old and a 13 year old. We’ve been dating for about 3 years now. I get along well with the younger daughter and she and I’m kind of like a big sister/auntie to her. The older daughter does not like me and makes it clear that she would rather her father not date me (or anyone else from what I gather).

Boyfriend and his ex share custody and this year, since my boyfriend had them for Christmas, I got them both presents (got them both necklaces). 10 year old was very excited and happy with her gift. 13 year old got huffy and said she didn’t want anything from me and refused to “accept” the gift.

10 year old also opened 13 year old’s gift after she refused to accept it and I could tell that she did like what I’d got her. I decided to keep it for myself. Fast forward to today, 13 year old calls and she wants the necklace. She didn’t apologise for her rude behaviour from before or anything (which I honestly don’t care too much about).

She asked me to give it to her since it’s “hers” and “you already bought it”. I told her that it wasn’t hers since she refused to accept the gift and that I’m not going to give it “back” to her. She got upset and complained to my boyfriend who told her it was up to me whether or not I wanted to give her the gift anymore.

Am I being too harsh on her? My sister thinks I’m just making my own life more difficult by not just giving it to her. Is it petty of me? AITA for refusing to give a gift that I did buy for her?

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

imissaolchatrooms −  NTA, but… You are dealing with a 13 yo child. Be the adult. Use this as an opportunity to grow the relationship. Tell her you spent time picking it out for her. Give it to her, no strings attached, maybe even wrap it up again. Then smile, tell her it looks better on her than you even thought. If you wish for a long term positive relationship, then take every opportunity to reduce the drama and build the relationship.

frecklesxmcgee −  NTA. You’re setting boundaries with how she can treat you. If you were to just give it to her without letting her know what a j**k she was she’ll just keep trying to push you around.

I think this would be a good learning opportunity where you can sit down and let her know how rude she was both with accepting the gift and demanding it back. Depending on how that conversation goes you could give her the necklace. But I also think if you don’t want to do that that’s totally fine too and she’ll still learn a lesson.

StJiub911 −  NAH. The kid is young, starting puberty, and probably had a tough childhood with the parents divorce and such so it’s reasonable for the 13yo not to like you at this stage. She will grow out of it though. If she refused the gift in that manner it’s totally reasonable for you not to give it to her without an apology otherwise she won’t learn.

everyvillanislimes −  ESH and NTA – you cant expect a 13 year old girl to NOT be pissy at you. its just how it goes when parents split up and one kid isnt happy about it. she shouldnt be treating you this way, but theres no way you can ever hope your relationship w her will be more than what it is now unless you practice being kind to her no matter what.

the necklace isnt a big deal, her sister has one and i’m sure she feels left out and really does care about you, she just cant show it because of her anger w her parents situation. she’ll grow out of it. give her the necklace and try to talk this out face to face with her before you give it to her

TeenyMom −  ESH – you are fighting with a 13 year old girl over a necklace that you gave her. Kinda s**tty, and pretty stupid. Shes 13. She has little control over her emotions, shes probably having a very hard time moving on from her parents breaking up, and now she has to try and let someone else (you) into her life? That’s hard on her. Now you’re making a big deal out of a stupid necklace. Come on. Is this really your hill to die on?

MissSinnlos −  Divorce kid and child educator here. I’d say sit her down and tell her that of course she can have the necklace. Apologize for being so harsh about it first but that you felt hurt because you love her and are trying to build a friendship with her. Maybe reiterate that you absolutely do not want to replace her mom but want to be friends and have fun together instead of fighting.

You can tell her that he behaviour caught you off guard and that people can make mistakes and apologize. Ask her if maybe she could think about apologizing. Not now, not today, but it would make you happy if she could. If she can’t you’re still going to love her and continue to try and build that relationship.

You really need to be the bigger person here and it will be beneficial for your relationship if this is your approach. She is insecure, hurt and aloof, don’t expect the same level of emotional control as from an adult. If she realizes it’s okay to make mistakes around you she will likely let her guard down and start being a bit more open and approachable. Good luck! Edited to say: NAH if you resolve this is in a loving, mature way.

[Reddit User] −  ESH – Seems like a wasted opportunity to connect with her.

gambitdangit −  ESH you’ve been with their dad for three years and you got them a gift for Christmas only because he had them on that day? No wonder the relationship with the kid isn’t great if you treat them like an afterthought. You’re the adult, possibly going to be the stepmother. You are responsible for this relationship. Stop blaming a 13 year old for acting like a 13 year old.

tammigirl6767 −  You’ve been dating this man for three years and the only reason you bought little gifts for his children for Christmas is because he had them on Christmas day? YTA Infinity

footfaceball −  ESH- she’s clearly acting badly, however she is a teenager. I think that you as the adult need to make an effort to have a good relationship with her even if she’s making it difficult. I don’t think you’re TA for not letting her have it straight away, but I think you would be TA if you didn’t talk to her about it and give it back to her if she apologizes.

Was the Redditor right to keep the gift after it was rejected, or should she have simply given it back? Is there a better way to handle this delicate family situation? What are your thoughts? Feel free to share!