AITA for saying I won’t coddle my infertile sister any more?

A Reddit user shared her frustration with her sister’s strict boundaries regarding children due to infertility struggles. When the sister requested that she not bring her infant son to a family gathering, the user refused, standing firm that her son is part of the family. This escalated into a heated exchange about fairness and boundaries, leaving the family divided. Read the full story below:

‘ AITA for saying I won’t coddle my infertile sister any more?’

My sister “Julie” has tried to have a baby for 5 years. She had a miscarriage 2 years ago and outside that, has been unable to get pregnant. My heart hurts for her. However, one thing I don’t agree with is how my family has handled it. We’re not allowed to talk about babies around Julie. Any kids younger than 3 can’t come to family events that she’ll attend.

She won’t attend baby showers, baptisms, etc. The last one I understand, but the rest feels overkill. I got pregnant last year. I told Julie first and she reiterated her boundaries. I said I understood. The first hurdle came with my baby shower. My MIL was throwing it. I didn’t expect Julie to come. Then my mom told me I shouldn’t have one period, “out of respect”.

I said that was ridiculous. She didn’t have to come so what did it matter? Only 3 people from my side of the family came to the shower. When my son was born, I posted a birth announcement on Facebook. My parents lectured me for this and said it was going to hurt Julie. I said she could just block or mute me. They said I should make the effort.

Julie echoed that if I cared, I’d stop. I ended up blocking her just to save drama. My aunt’s 70th birthday party is next week. My husband and I planned to go, bringing our son. Julie called and asked if we were going. She then asked for me to get a sitter for our son. I said no. She doesn’t want to miss the party.

My aunt is one of the few people who agree that Julie’s boundaries aren’t fair and wants my son there, as she doesn’t get to see him often. Julie got upset and started crying, saying that I was unfair. I finally snapped and asked what would happen when she got pregnant? Would we all be expected to shower her with the love and attention she’s refused to give other people’s kids?

Will her baby be allowed to attend events? She said that was different. I said no, I’m not coddling her anymore. My son exists, he’s family and he’s coming. She can decide if she wants to or not. My parents yelled at me for being mean to Julie. They offered to pay for a sitter but I said no. It’s not even her house. AITA?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

C_Majuscula −  NTA. Your sister is taking this way too far. Your point about her (possible) child is totally valid. I doubt she is doing this with friends and coworkers.

k1p1coder −  NTA. Good lord. Wow. She’s trying to cut off all family event related contact for your side of the family? She needs therapy badly. That’s just so unfair to you and your child and the other relatives who do want to see the baby. Tell your parents that if they want to see their grandson they need to start treating him like a human being and part of the family, not a weapon pointed at your sister.

throwaway20698059 −  100% NTA. She doesn’t want to miss the party. She doesn’t have to. Accepting or declining an invitation is HER CHOICE just as it is the choice of everyone else invited.. Wow. Just wow.

PurpleMarsAlien −  NTA. You’re being requested to treat your child like an object that can be hidden, not an individual with the right to make and have his own relationship with his extended family. This is unfair to him, to you, and to your extended family.

Julie doesn’t have the right to push her boundaries outside herself and her own house. If she doesn’t want to be present at parties outside her house where children are also present, she can chose not to attend. She does not have the right to demand that others accommodate her.

ginliv −  NTA. Julie can’t expect everybody to hide away their children or pretend they don’t exist just because of her (very real) pain. Is Julie not going to have a relationship with her nephew? It sounds as though she hasn’t really grieved for what she has lost or for her (apparent) infertility and is allowing that to overtake all of her other relationships.

mdthomas −  Trauma is not an excuse for the whole world to accomodate a person forever. It sucks what happened to her but part of learning to deal with trauma is managing triggers.. NTA

ExcellentCold7354 −  So, your sister is the golden child, isn’t she? You’re right about what would happen if she got pregnant, but you forgot to mention that she’d expect everyone to coddle her kid to the exclusion of yours. This is an incredibly toxic dynamic for you and your child. I suggest you go full mama bear and cut out anyone who would pretend your child doesn’t exist.

Also show up wherever you damn well please, because f**k them, your child is not an unsightly blemish to be scrubbed away. The audacity…. NTA. Edit: Do your parents even care about having access to their grandchild? Because if it were me they’d be losing that privilege reeaaaall quick.

Boring_Possible_1938 −  NTA – as you knew. The world does not revolve around your sister, she is not unique. I have a cousin. Her first pregnancy ended in miscarriage. She recounted how after the miscarriage, the world and all the streets seemed filled with babies and such.

And how she forced herself to look into the carriages, and see and admire the babies. I never liked her much, but at that moment I really admired her. And now I still admire her in this respect. (I guess it was 40-50 years ago).

piercingeye −  My wife and I celebrated our 25th anniversary last month. We were never able to have children. We’re both on the fast track to 50, so that window of opportunity has closed. I won’t pretend that the pain of infertility goes away completely. But one of the things I’ve learned is that infertility *must not* be at the center of one’s life, and like it or not, that is precisely what Julie has done, with the aid and support of your parents.

It makes complete sense that she wouldn’t want to attend a baby shower. (My wife doesn’t.) It is way, way over the line to dictate terms to family as to how they should conduct their lives due to your sister’s challenges. She needs therapy, and your parents need to stop enabling her. NTA.

JeepersCreepers74 −  NTA. You are absolutely right about the punitive double standard at play, here. You are being treated as a villain for having the very thing everyone wants so much for Julie (a child). Everyone is tiptoeing around Julie’s feelings, but what about your feelings or those of your son? It is your Aunt’s house, she has invited your child and you should feel free to take him.

Infertility is an emotional journey, but where should the line be drawn between empathy and fairness? Did the Redditor handle the situation appropriately, or was she too harsh? Share your thoughts below!