My partner [28/M] of 7 years, deleted me [26/F] from various Instagram posts in order to continue to receive attention from someone else

A 26-year-old woman has been in a 7-year relationship with her partner, a 28-year-old man. Recently, he began talking to another girl online, and to continue receiving attention from her, he deleted references to her in their relationship from his Instagram posts. While the communication with this girl was reportedly platonic, the woman feels hurt and confused, as her partner’s actions suggest he was seeking validation. Despite the conversation, the partner insists he wants to stay in the relationship, but the woman is uncertain about how to move forward, questioning whether she’s overreacting.

‘ My partner [28/M] of 7 years, deleted me [26/F] from various Instagram posts in order to continue to receive attention from someone else’

Hello my friends near and far, I have never really used this before, so I apologize immensely for being unaware of certain posting criteria! I hope you are all doing well, and I thank you for taking the time to read this post! I have been with my partner for 7 years, we initially met online, and after meeting in person a few times, and realizing our affection for one another, we found it promising to move in together. I moved from California to Pennsylvania to be with him throughout graduate school.

All was seemingly well during this time. I have never really had any reason to not trust him. I encouraged him to very much so, to try his best to make friends, or to explore hobbies on his own outside of the various ones we share, because I have my own passions, and I found we connected most when we met in the middle through conversations about these passions, through the act of explaining or showcasing what we’ve taken in or learned.

Throughout these 7 years, he has struggled with very low self esteem, and though I don’t necessarily think of myself as the pillar of self love, the depth of mine doesn’t reach the low perception of his self value. Because of this, he has seen and stopped seeing, both a counselor, and a therapist, and has been on medication to help for the last 6 months.

Things where seemingly well between us, and continued to be pretty fluid. We continued to share things, and take long walks, and where pretty open ended about where we stood in the relationship, if one was feeling a bit of an ebb, the other would pick up more of a share, and vice versa.

However, things took a bit of a dip about 2 days ago, when I felt the ebb, and asked him about it. Initially, he said there was really nothing wrong, and perhaps I was just feeling this way because with our schedules we haven’t been able to see one another for long periods of time like we are used to, which is true.

But the feeling continued to irk me, and when I asked about it a second time, he confessed to me, he had begun talking to another girl from another country, via Instagram direct messages, and though things between she and him never crossed the boundaries of platonic friendship, he really loved the initial rush of someone asking him questions about his favorite movie, his favorite album, his favorite book, all things he and I already know very well about one another.

I asked if he’d sent any selfies, or anything, risqué, and he said no, though I can’t confirm, because he deleted the messages, a good deal of me believes him, because of how open he was about the initial conversations to begin with. We slept apart, and I just felt really confused the entire night, because I couldn’t really resonate with wanting that sort of attention from someone else. If anything, his yearning for that type of attention, sort of hurt. It felt like I wasn’t doing enough, or giving enough.

The next morning, though I don’t have an Instagram, and am not on the app, I went to check his using the desktop version, and found that posts where he once called me ‘the love of his life’ or a specific post with a gift I gave him that once said ‘greatest gift from the greatest girl’ where still on his profile, but the words, ‘girlfriend’ or ‘love of my life’ where completed erased. With this realization, my confusion and hurt turned to very real heartache.

I called him and asked if he had deleted these words from the specific posts, and with shame, he said yes he did. When I asked why, he said it was because he just didn’t want the attention from the girl asking him about himself to be disrupted if she found out he was in a long term relationship. I guess this is where, I asked the obvious and questioned why someone who is just asking about your favorite books, movies, etc, would be driven away by the fact that you have a girlfriend. And he said he didn’t know why he did it, and that it was a massive mistake.

At the risk of seeming toxic, and I will take full accountability for seeming so or being so, I asked him to please deactivate his Instagram for the time being while we sort through this, his twitter as well. He did, and though I was feeling a bit of relief about that, I couldn’t help but feel a bit saddened that he didn’t choose to do that on his own for the benefit of our relationship, he had to wait for me to ask. Which again, just made me feel like such a toxic and controlling partner. Two things I always strive to be so far from.

When he got home from work, we discussed everything at massive length, and he continued to swear up and down, that these conversations pertained strictly to music, movies, and books, and he didn’t have interest in her, just interest in the initial rush of the attention he was receiving.

We read a few articles, and he broke things down to me as his self esteem has never been lower, despite his career as a doctor being at a high, and his finances in order, he felt things with his music weren’t taking off, and with that came a feeling that he wasn’t special, and it was nice for someone to make him feel that way. I felt shame and asked him if I wasn’t doing enough or giving enough to him to make him feel that way, he said, I defiantly was, but my love, and attention and affection, became a pillar he could rely on, and got used to, so with new attention came a rush, and he liked that.

I asked him if he wanted to be single, and find that rush in dating new people, and he kept insisting that that’s so far from what he wants. He wants to remain a couple, and do all he can to work on these things together. Though I can’t help but correlate that feeling he enjoys with the feeling of a first date. Which hurts of course. I told him I didn’t really see how we could move past this because there was nothing much for me to make an attempt to work on moving forward.

This seems to be a self stemming problem, that I emphasize with, but just don’t want to be on the receiving end of the counter effects. So though it is incredibly uneasy to begin to think of how difficult it’ll be to begin again, it is just as difficult to think about how difficult it would be to stay and try to rebuild back up an issue that I feel like just a bystander when it comes to.

This has all been very painful and if this comes to an end I just want it to be as civil and as possible. He deserves to love himself, but not at the expense of the love we have between us. I deserve love that is stable and comforting, and not laced with newfound paranoia.
Despite this all, my heart is still very much in this of course, and he has been very vocal about how it was just one mistake, nothing happened, we can work through this, etc.

And I secretly keep hoping he will make a step, any step really, to showcase these words and implement action, seek a new therapist, find the two of us a relationship counselor, buy a book on self help or on how couple conquer affairs, anything, anything at all, without me having to be the one to ask him. I just want him to have that yearning that he continues to say he has, but instead of saying it, I was him to show me.

Do you think that makes me irrational or just plain dumb? I believe to be in a state where I can handle either answer. Or something completely different just the same! Do you all think I’m blowing something completely out of proportion? Given how this was an exchange of conversation between him and another girl for just a few days, and his erasure of me on his profile was only for about 2 days?

Alas, we have come to the very end of this post, if you’ve made it, I can not thank you enough for giving me your time, if you take the time to post, I can not thank you enough for giving me your efforts. This has been a first in this relationship, this has been a first in my life truthfully, and throughout writing this I just felt completely vulnerable and isolated. So, if you’ve given me your time, thank you, thank you, thank you! I hope what happened to me, doesn’t happen to you, and wish you all things gracious and good and completely fulfilling my friends! Best of luck, and all of my love and gratitude.

TL;DR I’ve been in a relationship for 7 years, my partner recently and unexpectedly kept posts on Instagram that showcased us as a couple but deleted the words beneath them that included the words ‘love of my life’ and ‘girlfriend’ in order to continue to receive attention from another girl who lives in another country, who he says he shared a platonic relationship with via Instagram direct messages, and really only enjoyed the aspects of her asking him questions about his favorite things and giving him validation.

He says he only erased those specific words in order to keep the flow of validation coming. He doesn’t want to end things or see other people, I am a bit unsure about where to go or what to do.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

JugueteRabioso −  I dunno man. He erased your relationship to keep someone else interested and get external validation. He has a lot to work through self esteem wise. You want him to take charge about the future of your relationship but you’re tired of being the one to push him into it. It sounds like you already put in a lot more effort I this relationship: moves to another state, build up his self esteem, noticed their was a decline. If he doesn’t take charge, would u leave?

megnificent12 −  You wrote a novel about your BF and his feelings and almost nothing about how you feel or what you want. If that’s an indication that you’re more worried about him than yourself, that’s just as big a problem as his shady behavior.

Glewellin −  He is taking the steps to begin an affair right in front of you, while somehow bamboozling himself and you into believing it’s not that serious. I applaud his level of self delusion, but you need to extricate yourself from this mess ASAP.

swarlypants −  I think this is one of those situations where if he is not a hell yes then it’s a hell no. He’s purposely leading on another woman, he knows he can only get her attention if she thinks he single — red flag he’s showing no empathy about her feelings or yours for that matter

If he wants validation he needs to find that within himself or he’ll never be happy with one person for the rest of his life. He’ll always be searching for that rush and even if he hasn’t done anything physical to me this is still cheating. This is only a stepping stone to more intense cheating. He’s appealing to your good nature and your willingness to see him happy to just let him do what he wants everyone else be damned. Start thinking about what his actions make you feel and tell him. Better yet leave him if you can.

theadvicerabbit −  You seem like a very humble smart person. Asking him to get rid of his social media after betraying you is not controlling so please do not convince yourself that it is. You seem at a very different point in your life to him and it sounds like your his therapist not his partner.

This is unhealthy for you and I would say to move on before it sends you into a downwards spiral. Get some good positivity in your life, continue to grow and then eventually you’ll find somebody who values and appreciates you and is in the right head space.. Good luck pal x

Chasmosaur −  So basically, you supported him through med school and his residency, and now that he’s a fully-trained (or close to being so) physician, he’s emotionally cheating on you because that’s something he can fit into his hectic schedule. (And seriously – if he’s that depressed over his music, WTF did he go to med school for?) Of course he doesn’t want to break up with you – I bet you take care of all the domestic stuff for him so he never has to worry about grocery shopping/food-prep or doing laundry or cleaning the house.

Classy. Super classy. Kick him out – you should not be forced to find a new place if you can afford where you’re living on your own. You have lit yourself on fire to keep him warm, and in return, he’s erasing you for a fantasy. You are putting far more energy into this relationship and his mental health than he is, and you deserve better.

losttexanian −  Alright I really respect you writing a full book to explain what went down. That is commitment. Thanks for that. But d**p him. Quickly.

[Reddit User] −  This seems to be a self stemming problem, that I emphasize with, but just don’t want to be on the receiving end of the counter effects. This has all been very painful and if this comes to an end I just want it to be as civil and as possible. He deserves to love himself, but not at the expense of the love we have between us. I deserve love that is stable and comforting, and not laced with newfound paranoia.

I just want to applaud you for your rational thinking and self-care during what is obviously an extremely painful situation. Honestly, most people do not think this clearly after their partner has betrayed them and you should give yourself due credit for that. I do not think you’re blowing this out of proportion at all. Just as concerning as him deliberately hiding you to gain the attention of another woman is his refusal to answer the question of why he did it when you asked directly. And he said he didn’t know why he did it, and that it was a massive mistake.

Pardon my French, but b**lshit. He did it because he wanted to look like he was single so that he could entertain a potential romantic relationship with this other person. It’s not lost on me that you two met online as well. If he can’t even admit that was his motivation, there’s every chance it will happen again. You sound like a smart, empathetic, thoughtful person and you deserve someone who treats your love and respect with the care and reciprocity it deserves. He is not doing so.. Good luck.

[Reddit User] −  Let me tell you this. I did that in a relationship with my ex. I felt that my heart wasn’t into it and I kinda missed the rush of meeting a new person. Just like your bf, I started to message with strangers because it was giving me that feeling of excitement that someone new was interested in me. Also, just like your bf, it was the opposite s** who was asking and complimenting me, boosting my self-esteem. Ask yourself why doesn’t he text some random guy, but a random girl. If it was just about someone being interested platonically then it could be a male friend, right?

Well, the point is that it’s not just about making a new friend, but about being bored with your partner and wanting a romantic or s**ual thrill. I can guarantee that they were flirting and he is perhaps even more excited about the fact that going behind your partner’s back is taboo. Also, same as your bf I was deluding myself and my partner that it’s just a little thrill and all’s good. It wasn’t. No-one would do that if they were content with their partner.

You can try to force yourself into believing that it is harmless and can be worked on. It’s not. It’s either preparing for breaking up or cheating. I broke up before it escalated, but what do you know – I began dating the same guy I was texting. It’s up to you to stay in this relationship, but to me it’s clearly the end of what you two had.

[Reddit User] −  Someone who needs others validation and who delete stuff to keep it going isn’t a platonic boundary. He erased words of you so she’d stay interested. He’s lying to both of you. You’re the only one trying to fix this. Remember, he got caught. He didn’t confess. His shame is rooted in the fact that you know now, not because it had always been there.

By the way, you wrote a book about him and his feelings. What about yours? You sound like you bend over backwards to make this work. I am not going to haul off and say break up but I want you to open your eyes. Everything that you posted here was about the lengths you have gone through and nowhere once does it really mention your feelings or how he’s done anything to improve this relationship. I’d be tired if I were you. Tired and distrustful now.