How can I(21F) stop being awkward around my brother(32M)?

A 21-year-old Reddit user shared her struggle with feeling awkward around her older brother (32M) after an emotional family fallout. Following his coming out as gay and introducing his fiancé, their family reacted with hostility, leading to a breakdown in family relationships.

The user supported her brother and has since been trying to maintain a connection with him, but she feels intimidated by his success and confident social circle. She admires him greatly but is struggling to navigate her own feelings of inadequacy and awkwardness.

‘ How can I(21F) stop being awkward around my brother(32M)?’

Me and my brother have a huge age gap and he lives pretty far away, so we aren’t very close. To summarize, he moved to our city and organized a huge family dinner, which is pretty common when we need to tell something important. He came w/a male friend(I kinda guessed what would happen and wasn’t really worried about). I was wrong.

The moment he said he was gay my mom looked like she would throw up and when he said that the guy on his side was his fiancee my dad left the room… so yeah. I honestly didn’t expect this, while I don’t have the best relationship w/my parents I was always sure they weren’t h**ophobic… I’m pretty sure he thought too.

Long story short, a h**ophobic wave of hate came upon them and it was ugly. My siblings were super happy bc they’re cunts, my extended family looked disgusted and my brother looked like he was gonna cry. I startes calling them out but I think I only made it worse bc I’m enemy n•1 in the family…

We left and I offered my ap since they intended to stay at our parents(also, sharing a studio flat with your heartbroken distant brother is so awkward omg). It was pretty uncunfortable but they were super nice and left as soon as they could(they also cooked, which is nice but I suspect they just didn’t want to eat burned rice lol)

They’re now confortable in a nice house with plenty of friends. He hasn’t really talked to our family anymore and they’ve cut me out too, which, while it’s not unexpected, it does hurts me. I think he noticed and has been inviting me to dinner, lunch, bbq, cool things He’s great! But I feel so awkward close to him.

It sounds so stupid and childish writing but he’s *very* smart(as is his SO), works on a similar field as mine, is crazy successful and all of his friends are amazing. I’m not jealous but I guess I feel a bit intimidated. He’s amazing in everything I wanna be amazing. And balances this with stable romantic relationships/friends/mentally as well as does sports, looks amazing and even doing all of this he still can talk about GoT…

I like him a lot but I always feel kinda embarassed around his friends… I know it’s something I should work inside my own mind but I really have no money for therapy(I tried at the uni but the therapist and I didn’t really mesh) and I don’t wanna get distant…

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

chkessle −  You have so much to talk about with your brother. So just start talking. That’s it. Talk about the field he works in. Talk about his SO. Talk about whatever he has the time for. Talk about you. Tell him you’re intimidated by him. He probably has NO IDEA.

justathoughtfromme −  You’re intimidated, but look at it this way: He has an 11 year head start on you. There’s nothing stopping you from being at his level or higher when you’re at that stage in your life. Additionally, if you’re in the same field, he can give you advice and connections so you can be more successful sooner than he was.

Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. Just because he’s good at things doesn’t mean that you can’t be good at them too. Try to be the best YOU you can be, rather than trying to be your brother.

NDaveT −  He’s amazing in everything I wanna be amazing. You have a good start on that already. Your brother is ten years older than you so it’s understandable it might be hard to be social with each other. But he’s making an effort and I think he appreciates that you’re the only member of the family who is acting like a decent human being.

[Reddit User] −  If you feel like a failure compared to him…. you’re ten years behind him. Try be motivated by him. He sounds like a great guy. All you can do is keep on talking and the awkwardness will go away. Your brother probably thinks the world of you for standing up for him even at great risk to yourself.

He doesn’t see you as a kid at all, he sees you as his brave sister who stood up for him. You’ve no reason to feel insecure, I’m sure all his friends know how you stood up for him, and yeah, you’re younger, there’s going to be a little disconnect there. But good people know who other good people are, you’ll fit in no problem.

Laurenann7094 −  You are 21! No one expects you to act older. Enjoy being the goofy 21 year old you are. Enjoy looking up to them. Soon enough you will be the one in your 30’s. If you are lucky you will be the one with your s**t together, cooking and giving worldly advice to someone younger than yourself some day. As a female, I was pretty insecure and intimidated until my 30’s.

Mitchmatchedsocks −  I am sure your brother is thankful, proud, and appreciative of how you stood up for him. You said you aren’t amazing like him, but it takes a lot of courage to stand up to your entire family (and effectively get cut off from them) for what’s right and what you believe in.

I honestly bet your brother admires YOU for that strength and acceptance that the rest of your family refused to give. With that being said, I’m sure he’d like to hear from you about how you admire his success. You can even say you feel awkward/embarrassed/whatever bringing it up, but that you’d like to hear about his career or whatever else it is that you admire.

I’m sure he’d love to talk to you about stuff like that. I don’t think he’s just inviting you over because he “feels bad” for you. You stood up for him, accepted him and his fiance, and have shown yourself to be a good person. I think he wants to hang out with you because of that!

annagineered −  Just be upfront. Preface a conversation with “just a forewarning, I get real awkward really fast. It is ok to steer me in a different direction if I start weirding you out.” My 12 year old has learned to preface conversations or he will talk you into a corner and leave you panicked and wondering if he will suffocate by not breathing enough while he talks.

You could also let them know “I really admire what you have accomplished with your career/hobby/interest, would you be willing to tell me more and maybe give me some suggestions so I can work on myself?”

I am significantly older than my siblings, so I can understand where you may feel a bit intimidated or awkward around your brother and his SO. I have found as we have gotten older, we have gotten closer. And we all totally inherited the same awkward genes.

bananapeel82 −  I am in a similar dynamic with my sisters. I am a far bit older (me 35, them 21 and 19) than my youngest sisters and there have been uncomfortable moments on both sides but there is also a lot of love. The love is what gets us through.

Just keep talking to your brother, your feelings of inadequacy and being awkward might stem from the way the rest of your family has treated you so feel free to share your feelings with him. If he is as smart and great as you say you might find that he is just the right person to understand where you are coming from with regard to your family and a good sounding board in general.

Familiarity will kill of most awkwardness. Spending time with him and being open and honest will help you build a relationship that is loving and eventually comfortable. Feel free to drop me a message if you need someone to talk to about all of this, it sounds like you have a lot going on and I’d be happy to lend an ear.

re: therapy – there are online and virtual options that are very affordable. Look into some online solutions in the short term perhaps.

paloumbo −  If you want to be amazing like him spend time with him. At the opposite of our s**ual orientation, we don’t born amazing.

manatron −  Having an older brother is super awesome – I’m a younger sister, too and my bro is 6 years older than me. We have a lot in common, too and we have gotten a lot closer as we got older. Just think of him as someone in your corner who has your back! It’s natural to not know as much when we’re younger – experience brings wisdom.

He was at the same space you’re at now! Just be open and let him know you’re intimidated by him and his friends – say it with a bit of a laugh like “Wow, gee – sometimes I’m intimidated by how great at (insert topic) you guys are! Teach me your ways!” I’m sure he’s happy to help guide you. Good luck, OP! Happy you two have each other ♡