Ex Threatened Me 5 Years Ago, Now He Wants to Be a Dad. I’m Furious.

A 24-year-old mother, who raised her now 4-year-old daughter alone after being abandoned by her boyfriend during pregnancy, has received an apology letter and $3,000 from him. He expressed regret and a desire to support their child financially and emotionally. While she recognizes the potential benefits for her daughter, she’s furious and distrustful, questioning whether allowing him into their lives is in her child’s best interest.

‘ Ex Threatened Me 5 Years Ago, Now He Wants to Be a Dad. I’m Furious.’

When I was 19 and a sophmore in college I had a boyfriend I thought I really loved. Looking back maybe it was just teenage puppy love infatuation. Not sure but I guess it’s not important. I need some advice because I know I’m very biased and what I want is what’s best for my daughter but I think my feelings are getting in the way of that. I had been with “Tom” for about 8 months at that point. He was on the baseball team and very popular.

But one day I discovered I was pregnant and told Tom. He freaked out and got super pissed. He demanded I get an a**rtion, said he would not stay with me otherwise. He did offer to pay the full expenses of it though. So I went to the clinic and…I couldn’t do it. I’m very pro choice and told myself the logical thing to do would be to have an a**rtion. But when it came down to it…I just couldn’t do it. I admit part of it was that I was afraid but I also felt an attachment for my baby. The thought of getting rid of him/her made me feel like throwing up.

So I told Tom that I did love him and I wasn’t trying to trap him but I simply couldn’t have an a**rtion. Maybe we could look into adoption but a**rtion was out. Tom said he had never loved me and while I was fun I was now causing him too much trouble for him to bother with me anymore and I was right, I wasn’t going to trap him. He said I was free to choose to keep the baby and he was free to choose to have nothing to do with me or “it” and to not even think of trying to get child support from him.

I won’t go into details but Tom made it clear he would make life as miserable as possible for me if I tried to contact him again, get child support, etc. Maybe it was wrong to do but I figured all that trouble and drama just wasn’t worth it and I would make my own way. I was, however, devastated and completely heartbroken. I admit it really fucked me up.

I never spoke with or saw Tom again. I did consider adoption but in the end, long story short, I chose to keep my child. “Faith” is 4 now. It’s been a long and hard road but I graduated college and got a job. We live in a tiny apartment and finances are tight but we make do.
I love Faith like crazy and I do not regret the choice to keep her whatsoever. She makes me a better person and we have a good life. However three days ago I received a letter in the mail. It was from Tom. Inside the envelope was a letter and a check for $3000. This is what the letter said:

“(My name), I know this is coming out of nowhere and I’m sorry but I didn’t know a better way to do this.
I am so sorry for how I acted 5 years ago. I was selfish and a complete j**k. I know that doesn’t begin to cover it. These past five years have really had an effect on me. I got a job at (blank). I started hanging out with different people. Good people instead of college jocks. I know I ran from my responsibility and I treated you with callous cruelty.
I know I can’t undo what I did but I want to make it right. Here is a check for $3000 for Faith. I know that doesn’t begin to cover what her expenditures have been but I wanted to show I am serious about what I’m about to say.

I want to be a part of our daughter’s life. I will go as slow as you like. I would very much like to set up regular child support payments as well as pay off whatever back child support I owe you for the past five years, including hospital appointments during your pregnancy. I know I don’t deserve it, but I want to meet my daughter and be a part of her life in whatever way I can. I want to help her and I want to help you and start making up for the terrible way I acted.
Here is my contact information. I am willing to do what you ask of me. Thank you for your time. Tom.

I was/am blown away. I’m also beyond pissed off. I’m thinking of the pregnancy I had to deal with after getting dumped like that. Exams and papers I had to write. Giving birth to her on my own. The late night feedings, all the diaper changes, the constant crying, trying to afford clothes to keep Faith warm during the winter as she grew while also making sure she didn’t go hungry, the tantrums, the first steps, first words, the potty training.

He wasn’t there for ANY of that and now he just wants to come waltzing into her life like nothing happened after doing whatever he felt like now that Faith is out of the unfun baby years and she’s a well behaved child who can now carry on a conversation and knows how to use toilet and doesn’t wake up every two hours.

Faith has started asking questions like where is her daddy, how come she doesn’t have a daddy and I’ve been doing my best. I’ve been saying Mommy doesn’t know where Daddy is (true until now) and she doesn’t have a father because Daddy wasn’t ready to be one when she was born. Maybe that’s the wrong answer but I am doing my absolute best.

I’m thinking of how Tom hurt me and bailed when life got hard. I can’t stand the thought of him doing that to Faith. She’s a sweetheart and quite sensitive. She doesn’t understand unkindness, she makes friends with everyone and is very innocent. I’ve done my best to teach her to be a calm, kind, respectful person and everyone loves her.

However I do know she needs a good male role model in her life and I do feel guilty for not having one for her. I haven’t had a boyfriend or dated since Tom because all my energy and focus has been on graduating college, getting a job, and being a good mother to my daughter. I never really thought about Tom much after Faith was born but now that I am with this…intrusion into our lives I think I hate and despise him. I want him to just go away.

I wanted to not even cash the check and to tell him to take his money and shove it but my parents and close friends reminded me that that is Faith’s money and she is entitled to it and I agree. At minimum I want to get some child support going because Faith deserves all the financial assistance and opportunities she can get.

However I know if I get regular child support Tom will want to be in Faith’s life and frankly, I don’t want that. I don’t want him to hurt her and bail when life gets hard, because it IS when you have a kid. I also feel like he doesn’t deserve her. 4 year olds are a lot more fun than infants. How convenient he suddenly shows up and wants to be a “dad” when the hardest part is out of the way. But. I honestly do want what’s best for Faith. I think she deserves to have a GOOD daddy. I just don’t think Tom is. I think Faith is better off having no dad than a bad or half assed one.

She deserves the money. But am I right to take the money and not give Tom any access to my daughter?I can’t stand the thought of him hurting her. The thought of dropping her off at his house where I don’t have access to her makes me want to scream and run away.
Please help me think clearly. Am I out of line for taking Tom’s money but saying that’s as close as he will ever get to her? I am not convinced in the slightest he has changed. I feel like this is guilt money and I want to throw that check in the trash. But it’s Faith’s money, not mine.

Faith and I have a good life and I feel like Tom is going to ruin that. But is it right to keep Faith from her biological parent when he has sent the money? I hate feeling like I owe her him because of that. Please give me some advice and tough love if need be. I’m willing to listen if it’s in the best interest of my daughter.

TL;DR College boyfriend dumped me after I got pregnant and threatened to ruin my life if I tried to talk to or get child support from him. Almost 5 years later I get a $3000 check in the mail and a letter apologizing for what he did and saying he wants to be a dad. I want to tell him to stay the hell away from us but I want what’s best for my child. Advice? EDIT: Since I have so many people asking, yes Tom is listed as the Father on the birth certificate.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

[Reddit User] −  I am a man and I have full physical custody of my four children because the judge granted me that right (and also because of the mother bailed several times) When the judge gave me the custody, one thing he said reverberated to me, “It is for the best interest of the children.” And that is what you should decide, for Faith’s best interest. I empathize with you. I was, am, and have always been there for my children, two of them were born seven weeks premature and raising them was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

I have no life. I haven’t gone out on a date in nine years. I work two jobs and give my whole life up for the best interest of my children. She got it so easy. She floats in and out of their lives whenever it is convienent for her. But the children love her. I can’t stand in between them and their mother. Someday when they are old enough they would make their own decision. But for now, if she disappoints them, hurts them, poisons their minds, I will be there, constant, loving, and heal them to my best ability. That’s my job and responsibility. And that’s what I’m doing. Take care, and whatever you decide, I wish you the best.

vinyamar07 −  You have every right to be pissed. However, I think he has tried to sensitively approach you. People make mistakes, and he made a big one. 20 year olds are young and immature. It in no way justifies his actions, but he will have matured and changed since then. I don’t think it’s fair to assume he will do the same things now that he did then.

I wouldn’t let him meet Faith right away. But I think she has a right to know her father, Otherwise she will probably try and find him when she is older, and could resent you for keeping him from her if she finds out he tried to be involved. I would meet with him, let yourself know and trust him again. See if he actually pays child support for like 6 months and tries to build a relationship with you before introducing them. If he can do that, and puts in a real effort he might be allowed to slowly transition into your lives.

It’s ultimately your choice, and you definitely have every right to feel anger. But I dont think your feelings and emotions should dictate your daughters right to have a relationship with her biological father. He could be a changed man completely, and could from now on be a positive and wonderful addition to her life that she will be thankful for.

caffeinebump −  Do not cash the check, save all communication from him (letters, texts, emails), and GET A LAWYER. Immediately. Right now he is acting like you are at liberty to say yes or no depending on what you think is best for your daughter, but that could change very quickly if you decline, and you might find yourself in a custody suit. I would ask for a few weeks to think about it, and then get good legal advice.

If he sues for it, he will win visitation and joint custody (depending a bit on your state and if you are both in the same state). You need to go into this with full understanding of your rights as a co-parent, and not just the lovely story of cooperation and fatherly involvement that he is spinning for you right now. I’m not saying he isn’t sincere, just that he may not be so open to your opinion if you say no, and legally he is not required to consider your opinion at all.. Good luck!

shinerai −  He is more than likely a vastly different person now than he was when he was 20. I’m completely different at 26 now than how I was at 20 (female, but still). He tried to be sensitive about it by sending you a letter and a check. He didn’t a**ush you or make demands. I say proceed, but proceed with caution.

HiraethLost −  I would suggest meeting him in person without your daughter to talk about the letter and money he sent you. Kind of like an interview to see what he’s like now. Do this a few time if need be. If he’s serious about being there for his daughter he’ll do it without hesitation. At this point, there’s no reason to even think about any custody hearings (In case he ever brings it up and tries to pressure you).

Just visitation on your terms if you eventually deem him worthy of being in the presence of your daughter. Definitely file for child support, but make sure there’s no ambiguity about implications for visitation when you do. I’m not 100% sure about how the system works, but make sure he doesn’t use it to play you or anything.

Vessira −  Before you take the money – I think you need to talk to a lawyer about custody, child support, etc. Don’t give this man access to your child until you’ve figured out what your options are – and what your rights are.

Springheeled_Jill −  LAWYER. Before you reply to him or cash that check, talk with a family lawyer. Since he’s on the birth certificate, he most definitely has allllll kiiiiiiinds of rights as well as obligations, and these are the things you need to know about. TODAY.
For all you know, he’s already contacted a lawyer, right? This might be a way to establish certain rights, reaching out like this and sending you a check? IANAL, so I don’t know, but the law is often very subtle, so be sure you cover all the bases.. Lawyer before anything.

acunthairaway −  I think he is repentant and I think you need to do what is best for your child. This is a very personal subject for me, I am the result of an affair and when I was a child it was clear that my own father would have opted out of a relationship out of me if he had any sort of choice. He adamantly refused to pay any child support and made it pretty much impossible for my mother to take him to court over it. We went without.

My mother worked herself to the bone to support me and my siblings and this last year of my life I’m coming to the realization that I lacked a lot of parental attention as a result of that, many times it felt like I had to be my own parent and many issues I had as a child went unchecked and undiagnosed that have followed me into adulthood.

If my father, at any point in my life, came forward and told me he wanted a positive and loving supportive relationship, it would have been life-changing. If I learned that my mother turned down his support and the potential of a relationship with my father, it would absolutely crush me to learn this. You can pissed off at him all you want, but don’t punish your daughter for that.

Ambertopsy −  I, too, became a single mom during my sophomore year of college and, like you, made a life for myself and my daughter with no help from her biological father. He paid child support sporadically at best, emotionally abused me via text messaging, popped in and out of her life for almost 6 years. It was so, so hard on my daughter.

About 2 years ago, he changed. I don’t know what happened, maybe he got some therapy, I don’t know…but he wanted back in her life. So, despite my feelings, I let him have visitation because my daughter deserved to have a relationship with her biological father and to have the chance to decide in the future what she’d like his role to be in her life. It was really hard at first, and he’s screwed up, but he is slowly earning back my and her trust. He and I get along fairly well and things are looking up. So…people do change.

As for what you should do now, I would suggest that you don’t cash the check, don’t speak to him directly, and get a lawyer and work with them to arrange support and visitation. If he truly wants to be in her life, he’ll do what he needs to do. You should be proud of yourself and the life you built for Faith. Having her dad start coming around regularly won’t take away from her relationship with you, so don’t worry about that. If you have another man in your life now that she has a fatherly relationship with, having her Bio dad around won’t change that either.. You’ve got this.

bbobeckyj −  the hardest part is out of the way. The most physically tiring part is out of the way, but it doesn’t get ‘less hard.’ With the level of resentment you have shown for Tom in this post, Faith would be able to tell, and that wouldn’t be a good relationship example for her.