AITA for scolding my struggling sister when she gives us grief about adopting a baby?

A Redditor and his husband are grieving the tragic loss of their best friends, who left behind a toddler. As the child’s godparents, they’ve decided to adopt him, despite never planning to have children. However, his sister, who has struggled with infertility for years, showed up at their home accusing them of “not deserving” parenthood because they didn’t go through the same hardships. The situation escalated, and the couple told her to leave and cut ties. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for scolding my struggling sister when she gives us grief about adopting a baby?’

My sister (35f) and her husband (37m) have been struggling with infertility since they got married 12 years ago. They’ve tried absolutely everything, from medical to spiritual, but unfortunately, nothing works.

Now that she’s approaching late 30s, they’re starting to look into adoption, but it’s also been a slow going, since their financial condition isn’t exactly stable from multiple rounds of fertility treatments they went through. I can only imagine the struggle, and I sympathize with her, but the stress this situation is bringing her and her husband honestly puts a strain on our relationship.

My husband and I (both 30) lost our best friends, Mason and his wife, Kate, two weeks ago in a horrible car accident. They left behind their son Pete, who isn’t even two yet. It was so sudden and so heart-wrenching. We’re still grieving, which lowers out contact with a lot of people, including my sister and BIL.

Our main concern right now is ourselves and Pete, whose custody has come to us because we’re both his godparents, actively engaged in Pete’s life since his birth, and because Mason and Kate have neither left a Will nor have immediate living relatives who can take him in.

We’ve decided to adopt Pete as soon as we can stomach the process. My husband and I never planned on having kids, and even if we did, this is absolutely not the way we want to go about it. The situation is far from ideal, but we’re starting the adoption process yesterday, for Pete’s safety if nothing else. We broke the news to our extended families and friends, letting them know that my husband and I won’t be very available for a little longer because of this.

I know my sister and BIL will have something to say about this. I’m prepared for a few heated text messages or voice mails. However, I didn’t expect them to turn up on our doorstep, crying about how “unfair” it is that we were given everything they wanted, and how we didn’t deserve to be parents because we didn’t go through what they had to.

I’ve never seen my husband so angry before. He’s usually very mild and gentle, but recent events have stretched our patience to the limits. We kicked them off of our porch, and I told my sister before she left that since our pain inconveniences her so much, I won’t have her around me and my family at all anymore.

I know she made a fuss about it, and now everyone has something to say to us. We turned off our phones, so we don’t know which ones are cursing us and which one aren’t. I know some did/are. My husband and I are both in pain and grieving, and we can’t trust ourselves to be objective. Did we go to far?

Edit: I originally did not want to put this information in, because I don’t want everyone to point at it and say this is the reason we’re not in the wrong. For the sake of disclosure: My husband and I are both men. No, this is not a case of homophobia. My sister, for all her fault, was the first person to accept me for who I love, and I will not hear a single word about this in the comment.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Careless-Detective79 −  ***NTA*** Hey, adopted kid here. I can give you tips on how to be an AH if you want to be, because this story inflames me anyway. Your sister and her husband, much like my parents, tried EVERYTHING ELSE before even considering adoption. That makes their future kid their very last option. They clearly would rather have their “own” child.

This attitude disgusts me, personally, but whatever I guess that’s normal for society. Pete is your FIRST option. You sacrificed the lifestyle you wanted to have for him. You chose his life BEFORE the future you envisioned, not as a last ditch effort. Guaranteed you’ll be a better parent. YWBTA if you told her this and honestly I encourage it.

Edit: top— lots of requests to label this as NTA

Final edit: I did not even know it was possible to receive this many awards. I’m glad this insight, which is one of MANY unique perspectives on adoption and not necessarily the “right” one, has had an impact on so many people. Best of luck to OP and her situation, and my sincere condolences.

**Edit: some additional insight gathered from my replies—** I definitely prefer being adopted to what my life would be like if I stayed with my bio parents. But if I ever have kids they will feel like my first choice. Almost all of us humans are mistakes or last options and that makes us feel a certain way.

One time my family realized that 1. My dad was a mistake (youngest of 6) 2. My mom was a mistake (teen pregnancy) 3. I was a mistake (teen pregnancy) 4. My brother was a mistake (20 yo pregnancy). Our dogs were more planned than we were lol

My parents framed it more as “it was meant to be because we finally ended up with you!” I’m just cynical AF lmaoooo. See other comments— I’m generally grateful and happy with my childhood. There’s still room for those feelings and a bit of criticism at the same time.

They literally named me something that means “gods gift” so don’t worry I do feel wanted I just feel kinda weird about how they got there I’m fully aware having all these awards does not make me God. I’m on this sub to judge one specific situation, which may or may not apply to other situations.

It sucks to know, as an adopted kid, that I was the last option. No matter what, adopted kids are gonna feel some type of way, and I want to acknowledge that. I think what I know about my story is very lucky because it’s a secret for so many kids. I’m glad I know who my bio parents are because it makes me all the more grateful I didn’t end up with them.

But I still had separation anxiety that colored the rest of my life, which is unavoidable because it has to do with hormones between bio mother and child. I have food allergies too, and my mom wonders if it’s because I wasn’t b**ast fed. Oh well.

I feel the distinction between “our own kids” and “adopted kids” is disgusting, could’ve made that clearer or worded better. This does not mean I think people having biological children is disgusting. I am someone’s biological child, after all. But I am also a REAL child to my adoptive parents. There should be no difference between “real” or “your own” and “biological”. Obviously insurance and bureaucracy play a big role in family planning, as well as cost. I know it’s not just that simple to adopt a kid given these factors.

Manski777 −  NTA. I’m sorry but that’s just disgusting behavior from your sister. You got everything you wanted??? Your close friends DIED and you have to go through an unexpected adoption for their son who is now orphaned. I know she’s stressed but that’s just horrible what she said honestly.

AntheaBrainhooke −  NTA. You opened your hearts and your home to a little boy who needed you, and your sister has the GALL to make it all about her? F**K no. Pete lost both his parents. You want unfair? THAT is unfair.

curious_seahorse1 −  NTA. crying about how “unfair” it is that we were given everything they wanted, I’m pretty sure all you want are your friends back!! Your sister is a complete A H for thinking a tragedy in which you lost your friends and this poor kid lost his parents is you being ‘blessed’.

Shes so delusional in her need for a child that’s she’s lost the plot, and I actually fear for any child that she may get her hands on. Children do not complete us. They are not some missing piece we need to be whole. That’s a lie fabricated by religious organisations to make women produce children. Your sister needs intensive therapy, and you are right to cut everyone off while you grieve.

damienkey5 −  NTA. The fact that you already expected to get some heat from them says a lot about who they are as people. Some people are so caught up in their own narratives, it’s ridiculous.

forest_fae98 −  You know what? It’s not fair. It’s not fair that your best friends tragically lost their lives. It’s not fair that their not yet two year old son lost his parents- BOTH parents. It’s not fair that he’s so young he probably doesn’t even understand fully what happened and what’s going on. It’s not fair that he’s suddenly living with these people who aren’t his parents and he misses them. Yeah, it’s not fair.

But your sister is INSANE. Does she think that she deserves a kid just because she wants one? Does she think that you’re f**king celebrating the death of your friends and this child’s parents so that you can have a kid?? The top priority here is Pete’s health and safety. Absolutely do NOT, for ANY reason allow your sister around him.

As a matter of fact I would say go no contact completely, at least for a while so you and the poor kid can grieve and adjust to your lives in peace. F**k. NTA, of course NTA. I’m so so sorry this happened. Try to remember that they made you Pete’s godparents for a reason- it’s not a decision made lightly, speaking from my own experience.

I saw another comment saying you’d mentioned lack of sleep, definitely keep him close at least til he adjusts. They make cribs with three sides so that you can put his bed level with yours. If he has any comfort items, let him take them to bed. I don’t know if you know his old bedtime routine, but if you do, try to keep it up. Routine is everything at his age.

If you don’t, try to make your own. It doesn’t have to be fancy, but a book and snuggle and a lullaby can go a long ways. Seeing how young he is, a small cup of warm milk or weak warm chamomile tea may help him sleep too.

My heart goes out to all three of you. I can’t imagine the grief and pain you are experiencing. Please take all the time you need to process, and get help if you need it. Sending love and warm thoughts your way. ❤️

Substantial-Fox-4905 −  What exactly does your sister and BIL expect you to do to rectify the “unfairness” they’re feeling? Let Pete go to foster care? Give him to them? This little boy has lost his parents at an age where he’ll hold no proper memories of them as he grows (I’m sure you’ll tell him all about his mom and dad but it’s not the same).

NTA. I commend you and your husband for taking in a child when you didn’t want kids of your own [right now]. You’re doing the right thing by Pete and by his parents (RIP). Keep everyone negative shut out for as long as you need to. Edited to add [right now] as per OPs comment below

TheGoldenPineapples −  NTA.. What more can you do? You’re between a rock and a hard place. The most important thing in the world is Pete and his safety, if adopting him will keep him safe then what other people think is irrelevant.

It’s heartbreaking for your sister and brother-in-law, but ultimately, you have to do what’s right for the child and their situation isn’t your fault, concern or problem. It is unbelievably selfish that they’re thinking of themselves in this situation rather than the child who’s entire world has just come crashing down around him and you two, who just lost very dear friends.. NTA, OP, NTA in the slightest.

Liss78 −  NTA. I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now. Did your sister even consider for a minute the circumstances that brought this about? It’s not like you planned this to spite her, so why is she behaving like you did? Did she think you were going to give Pete to her?

Unfortunately, you’re going to have to set the story straight with the people who are backing her. There is no way she told anything remotely truthful if they’re backing her. When you’re ready to deal with this, start setting the record straight.

Significant-Onion-21 −  Nope. NTA. Your sister and BIL are huge assholes for *scolding you for adopting your godson as you’re devastated by the deaths of your best friends.* How absolutely vile of them.

Do you think the Redditor was justified in standing up to his sister during such a difficult time, or should he have shown more empathy given her long-term struggles with infertility? How would you handle a situation where grief and family tension collide? Share your thoughts below!