I [28M] don’t want my MIL or my other in-laws to help with our baby anymore unless she changes. How do I convey this to me without causing a rift?

A 28-year-old stay-at-home dad is feeling overwhelmed with his 6-week-old daughter’s colic and the lack of support from his mother-in-law (MIL) and sister-in-law (SIL), who do not respect boundaries regarding the baby. The MIL, despite being helpful in some areas, refuses to respect the dad’s wishes regarding holding the baby and kissing her on the lips, causing added stress. The husband isn’t supporting him in setting these boundaries, and the dad is considering excluding the MIL and SIL from their lives temporarily unless they change their behavior.

‘ I [28M] don’t want my MIL or my other in-laws to help with our baby anymore unless she changes. How do I convey this to me without causing a rift?’

My husband [30M] and I [28M] have a 6 week old baby daughter. I am currently a stay at home dad and taking on most of the childcare. Occasionally my MIL has been helping me out but it has been causing a lot more stress than usual since she has been staying over and sleeping in our guest room.

Those past weeks we have been dealing a lot with baby colic. She has been difficult to comfort unless I hold her and she does get very upset when my MIL holds her. My MIL is a lovely woman but you can’t explain that to a baby. I have been trying to explain to MIL that I appreciate her help around the house a lot, feeding times, laundry (baby’s clothes).

I have been telling her that but when it comes to the baby crying her head off I’d appreciate if she let’s me hold her. When I tell her that, especially when the baby is crying and clearly wants me to hold her, my MIL gets visibly upset. Close to crying even because she thinks I’m pushing her granddaughter away from her.

This mainly comes from her refusing to respect that I don’t want her to kiss the baby on her lips, which is a disgusting habit my SIL also participates in. My MIL invites my SIL over as well to coo over the baby despite my daughter crying because of colic and overstimulation. She’s not used to any of this.

My husband is not backing me up on this because of course it’s his mother so now I have to talk to her without causing a rift. Tl;dr MIL and SIL do not respect boundaries regarding my daughter of 6 weeks. If this continues I’d rather exclude them for a while. How can we fix this?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

[Reddit User] −  Your problem isn’t your MIL or SIL, it’s your partner. You need to sit him down and have this out with him. He then needs to handle his family.

travelbug898 −  My husband is not backing me up on this because of course it’s his mother so now I have to talk to her without causing a rift. The issue here isn’t your MIL. It’s your husband and his unwillingness to set boundaries with his mom. Honestly, if you and your husband can’t get on the same page with how to deal with his mom, she will always get in the middle of your family. Has he always had issues setting boundaries with his mom? It honestly may be time for couples counseling. Why are you with a person who can’t prioritize you and the family he is building with you?

BalancetheMirror −  My husband is not backing me up on this because of course it’s his mother so now I have to talk to her without causing a rift. Huh? No. Now, you have to talk to your husband, and HE has to talk to his MIL.

If he still won’t get on board? Since you’re the one home, tell her you don’t want her for overnights for a while (read: ever). When she wants to come over for an afternoon, say no to some visits. You may not have just given birth, but colic can make anyone hormonal. ;-P You and Baby need to get into a nice schedule, and guess who doesn’t dictate it? MIL. She sounds nice and all, but this is your baby. And I’d wear your baby around during their visits. Like, MIL gets some cuddles or does a feeding–scoop! Baby goes right into the carrier/Bjorn. And MIL does some laundry.

bugsdoingthings −  My husband is not backing me up on this because of course it’s his mother This comes up soooooo often on r/JUSTNOMIL. The husband is so accustomed to being a “good son” and letting MIL run the show, that it doesn’t seem to compute when that comes into conflict with being a good father, or being a good husband. (To be fair it can definitely happen with daughters of overbearing mothers as well, but that isn’t the scenario here.) And unfortunately when you have a MIL with baby rabies that often brings the three roles into sharp conflict.

Your husband needs to realize that he is a father first, and that it is his job to prioritize his baby’s needs over his mother’s emotional wants. If your husband trusted you enough to have a child with you, he needs to trust you to advocate for that child even when it means he might need to have a difficult conversation with his mother.

Waytoloseit −  If your husband isn’t able to understand/and or do the work to have a conversation with her… You aren’t left with many options besides doing it yourself. Perhaps sit her down and tell her that bonding with your daughter is incredibly important to you. Sandwich this comment with how much help she is offering, and that you appreciate all of her hard work around the house.

Sometimes you need to be really direct in your statements to get the point across. Reiterate that holding your daughter and bonding with her is very important. Period. As for kissing on the lips, explain that your baby’s immune system is nonexistent, and that you don’t feel comfortable with spreading germs. Or you can be more blunt! Whichever approach works best.

Truly, your husband should be doing this. I also had a c**ngy, passive-aggressive MIL. My husband didn’t see the problem. I had to sit him down, and say that I am not asking, this is a requirement. (I don’t ever make demands- so the gravity of what I saying finally drove home how I felt about the situation. Btw, I also had problems with her holding the baby, trying to feed the baby formula (when I was still breastfeeding), monopolizing my husband’s time. Eventually, we had to ask her to leave because she failed to respect our decisions.

I asked my husband not long ago- when our son was almost one- what he remembers about that time. He said something rather enlightening. He said that those first few months were a fog, that the stress of supporting the family and never having a break (first going to work and then coming home to help out with the baby so that I could shower), just about drove him to the breaking point.

He was eventually diagnosed with PPD (did you know that 1 in 10 men also get PPD? Thankfully, this fact was shared with us in the hospital), and was on medication for about 3 months. He also didn’t really see the issues that I was having with his mother, because he was always working or caring for the baby. I wanted to offer you this insight, because it may be helpful to you and how you approach your partner.

relmamanick −  If you’re approaching differences like they’re “a disgusting habit” then you’re going to hurt and alienate your in-laws, and you’re going to engender resistance rather than cooperation. You guys do need to set boundaries, but those boundaries need to be agreed upon between the two of you, then communicated to your in-laws. So the first step is actually talk to your husband about what boundaries you need.Tell him you need his help and support in backing you up, but you also need to take his opinions into account.

Set boundaries firmly, but try to set them positively, too. “Please kiss her on the top of her head or her cheek,” will meet with less resistance than “don’t kiss her on the lips.” You may need to change to more negative wording, but save it for if an escalation is necessary. “I need your help with this while I calm her down,” may come across better than “She wants me.”

Also keep in mind, though, that it’s actually really good for people besides you to soothe your daughter, even if it takes longer at first. It’s good for your daughter to accept more than one caregiver and it’s good for you to be able to have an actual break. The process can be anxiety provoking at first, but it really is a good thing.

sandiego_matt −  Maybe it’s time Grandma goes home.

ladyughsalot −  Okay. Having any guest sleep over when you have a newborn is just not convenient. Unless this woman is doing all your laundry, prepping meals, cleaning and tidying like it’s her full time job, It is not actually helpful. You need to take this to your partner.

“It’s been 6 weeks. Your mom has been so helpful. Going forward we will need less help, which means having an overnight guest, even if it’s family, adds stress. Let’s scale back on those types of visits, so that when we have your mom and sister over, we can just be a family and spend time with baby. Right now, it’s so constant that baby ends up overstimulated, leading to hurt feelings and resentment.

The sooner we can get back on track the better; not because I don’t want her help but because we all share a better dynamic if she can just be grandma, who visits; as opposed to grandma who is a long term houseguest”. It’s in his mom’s best interests to have that bit of distance with baby; part of the joy of a grandparent relationship is that novelty: you don’t see them all the time so you capitalize on time with them and light up when they come. If mom is always there, and has held her when she didn’t want her to hold her, that hurts their relationship.

Basically: when it’s your parent it’s your problem. This is on him. He’s not home throughout the day? Great! So he isn’t witnessing the dynamic here. You want to remind him that this is in everyone’s best interests, or there is a real risk of resentment and that’s a much harder conversation to have than “hey mom we so appreciate your help. Going forward we won’t need those overnight visits so regularly but we still want to see you lots!

We can’t thank you enough for being there when we needed you” (past tense!). Remember that post-partum can strike either of you in these 2 years. Having a baby is hard and weird; boundaries are important. Is your partner usually so willing to let you be uncomfortable in favor of his family or friends?

caused_a_sparky −  I’d appreciate if she let’s me hold her. You are being way too passive here. Go get the baby yourself when the baby cries. If MIL is already holding the baby, demand she give the baby to you. If she refuses, say “listen to yourself. You are preventing the baby’s own father from holding her. You are being ridiculous. This is my house, my baby, give me the baby and then we can talk.” Be authoritative and firm.

when the baby is crying and clearly wants me to hold her, my MIL gets visibly upset. Close to crying even because she thinks I’m pushing her granddaughter away from her. Let her be upset but don’t let her hold the baby at all. If she’s upset that’s her problem. If her teary face makes you upset too, then tell her to leave the room and/or you leave the room and go to a different room, close the door.

This mainly comes from her refusing to respect that I don’t want her to kiss the baby on her lips, which is a disgusting habit my SIL also participates in. My MIL invites my SIL over as well to coo over the baby despite my daughter crying because of colic and overstimulation. She’s not used to any of this.

It’s your house, right? If you don’t want SIL over, then don’t let her in. Meet her at the door and tell her that you know she loves the baby, but the baby is napping (or trying to nap) and you are not accepting visitors. But that you would love for her to come over on Thursday (insert whatever day you’re comfortable with here).

Make it very clear to MIL and SIL that your baby only takes visitors during certain hours of certain days (that are convenient for you). You love that they love your baby but they are interrupting your time with your own daughter and making your life harder. Keep your daughter in a separate area of the house and stay there with her. MIL can help cook for you in the kitchen for example, but the baby won’t be in the kitchen. Stay close to your daughter when MIL is home, so you’re the nearest one to attend to her when she cries.

MIL and SIL already don’t respect you (or your husband) and just want to act how they want. There is no reasoning with them because you’ve already asked nicely and timidly and they just steamrolled right over you. So, be authoritative. Set up house rules and baby visiting rules. Enforce the rules. Don’t argue with them, just tell them this is how it’s going to be. They’re not going to like it, but they don’t have to like it, they just have to obey your wishes.

lady_lane −  I read somewhere that kissing children on the lips can cause bacteria from tooth decay to pass to the baby, not to mention HSV. Head that off because it’s gross and dangerous for baby.

How do you set boundaries with family members without causing a rift? It’s essential to prioritize your own needs and your baby’s well-being, while communicating calmly and clearly with your MIL and SIL about the behavior that’s causing stress. Share your thoughts and experiences on navigating tough family dynamics while being a new parent.