I [33M] live a life away from people. My family keep insisting that I end it and come back.

A 33-year-old man has chosen to live a solitary life in a small village, away from his family in NYC, and feels comfortable and fulfilled in his lifestyle. He has online friends, works from home as a software engineer, and is financially secure. However, his family insists he should move back to NYC, get out of his solitary life, and consider starting a family. He feels conflicted as their pressure makes him question if he’s doing something wrong, despite being happy with his life choices.

‘ I [33M] live a life away from people. My family keep insisting that I end it and come back.’

About 8 years ago I decided that I don’t want to live around people anymore. This isn’t about something that happened or me thinking people are bad or other crazy thoughts, I just could never fit with people. I never had friends, but never felt like I needed them either. I think I might be somewhere in the autism spectrum but I don’t have an official diagnosis. I’m cool and fine on my own.

I grew up in NYC and finally decided that the environment there is no good for me. I decided to move to a different state, buy some cheap land in a very small village and built a house for myself. The only people I interact with in person on a daily basis are the people at the market where I buy stuff and when something is delivered to me. To be honest, it’s the best decision I’ve ever made. I’m much happier and more comfortable.

I have a lot of online friends. I’m a software engineer and make apps and games. I can work from the comfort of my own home and the living costs are so low that I have no stress about money. I’ve already made enough to last me 30 more years of living like this.

Now my family are the only people that I have some sort of emotional connection with. I have a more or less good relationship with all of them especially my younger sister who visits me quite often. The thing is, they all say they miss me. They want me to come back living in NYC, they say I should get out of my solitary life and start a family for myself. I can’t do those things. And my parents are calling me selfish for not even trying.

I feel really bad when they’re upset at me, it feels like everyone I know is upset so I must have done something wrong. I’m not good at communicating these feelings. I think they thinks I’m sad because I’m lonely but I’m not. It’s by choice. First, do you think I’m selfish? I know they want what’s best for me I just don’t think they know what is best for me. And second, is it selfish of me to not give things another try in NYC?. Tl;dr: I choose to live alone away from cities. My family want me to work harder to fit in.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

[Reddit User] −  There is a line between being selfish, and living life as you choose. YOU are living life as you choose = you are not selfish. THEY want YOU to live YOUR life the way THEY choose = they are selfish. Easy. No grey area here, each of you is situated clearly on opposite sides of that line.. PS: I envy you!

championkiwi −  My uncle did this, moved into the wild of BC about 30 years ago. It was the best thing he ever did for himself. Sure it’s weird for our family at first, because it’s far from the norm and really far away from family (Ontario).They got used to it. He just belongs there. My brother [22M] seems to be the same way, we often send him up there for a few months at a time, I also think my brother may be on the autism spectrum as well. It keeps him calm and makes him really ambitious and productive when he goes up there.

I sometimes encourage him to stay longer because when he comes back he seems so refreshed, healthy and put together, I feel like that’s when I see my brother at his best. Then the longer he spends with more people here in the city, the more depressed I see him get. I’ fairly sure I’m accepting of his life this way, but my parents as well are still stuck on him living a “normal” life, but that just doesn’t suit everyone! Just sometimes that takes people longer than other’s to realize.

I think solitude for some people is honestly the best possible solution. Just make sure to take advantage of opportunities to see your family, it’s good for you (in my brother’s case, good in small doses). They’ll adjust. Just stand firm that this is what you want to do, and where you want to live and that you’re happy and hope they can accept that, be persistent, hopefully in time they’ll get a better understanding.

moist_owlett −  Do you ever visit them, or do they do all the travel? Just asking because that’s the only potential selfish aspect of the situation I can see from your post.

AgeOfWomen −  At the end of the day, it is your life. It is you who will have to look at yourself in the mirror and it is you who will be with your thoughts when lying in bed waiting for sleep to come. So, you have to do what makes you comfortable. It is perfectly understandable that your family would want you to get married and have children because from their experience, that is what made them happy. A lot of times, we want other people to do what made us happy and have a hard time understanding how other people doing what would not make us happy, could possibly make them happy. I suspect that this is where your family is right now. They don’t understand you.

I can tell you from experience that there is nothing worse than changing yourself so much, to fit into the expectations of another person, to the point where you become a stranger to yourself. There is nothing more confusing and more disorientating than thinking you need to fulfill another person’s idea of you so you can be accepted to the point where you cannot accept yourself anymore. There is nothing more draining than giving away pieces of yourself, till you are just a shell of a person.

And worse still, after losing so much of yourself, you need to go back to finding yourself, which is another journey in itself. If you are where you are and are comfortable with yourself, then you are better off than a lot of who are living up to society’s expectations.

Chasmosaur −  My late mother was a die-hard New Yorker. Though I grew up mostly in DC, because my parents had way too much interaction with both of their families, and rules for visiting were constantly being blown through. But in her heart, my Mom loved New York, deeply. But she was the first one to say that NYC has so…many…people. And the only way you can really enjoy living in NYC is if you can afford to make a buffer for yourself. Otherwise, it just gets to be overwhelming sometimes, even for a native like her.

Your family is probably part annoyed that you aren’t close – my husband and I are in the Twin Cities, and my NYC-born father CONSTANTLY bitches about how far away we are, even though he admits he really likes where we live – and a little bit jealous you broke the mold and found a nice, quiet, affordable lifestyle. There’s also probably a dash of that John Updike quote: “The true New Yorker secretly believes that people living anywhere else have to be, in some sense, kidding.”

You are not being selfish. You are self-aware and know what will keep you level. You don’t sound like you’re a total hermit – your family visits, you do go out to market instead of having everything delivered – and you know your own limitations on interaction. There’s nothing wrong with that – in fact, there’s a lot there that’s right.

Just tell your family you’re happy where you are, because it’s right for you. It’s not about them, it’s about what works for you. I love NYC myself (I’m Brooklyn-born, so it’s in my DNA), but man, I can’t imagine living there now. The expense alone just doesn’t seem worth it – there are places to live that are pleasant that aren’t NYC.

mjmoore87 −  You’re not selfish at all. They are for trying to force you into doing what they want. It’s your life. Live it how you want to live it.

LilaLaLina −  Just do what makes you happy. They’ll come around when they realize they can’t manipulate you into doing what they want.

warpus −  Fellow introvert here. Do what makes you happy :). Sounds to me like you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.

T-Flexercise −  So, first of all, living life on your own terms is never selfish. The big decisions like where and how to live, if you’re not relying on others to do it or making them do it with you, that’s no one’s business but yours. Continue living where you love to live guilt free.
But one thing that I notice you saying is that your sister visits often, but not that *you* visit *them* often. When you have an emotional connection with people, and you care about that relationship, you do need to put in work to keep it up.

As an introverted person myself, I notice that often the ideal amount of time that I want to spend with my loved ones is less than the ideal amount of time they want to spend with me. It’s easy to get into a pattern where people keep coming to visit me, but I never go to visit them. And it’s not because I don’t want to see them, but it’s because they feel like they want to see me sooner than I start thinking “Oh hey I haven’t seen so-and-so in a while. Maybe I should go see them.”

If you care about your relationship with your family, you don’t need to go move back to a life you don’t like to make them happy. But you should try to realize that they’re expressing to you that they miss you and they want to spend more time with you. Is there any way that you could make more of an effort to socialize with them? To visit them more often maybe? Or schedule trips together?

It’s also possible that that’s not what this is. They miss you, but more that they’re worried that you’re not living a happy life because you’re so frequently alone. They’re projecting their values at you, and trying to guilt you into moving back because they think that’s best for you, or they want you to live a life that they think you should live.

I think that it’s important to find a way to interact with them on your terms, but caring for their needs, and building a relationship with them that you’re happy with. It might mean going to visit them more often than you otherwise would want to, but then firmly saying “I’m really happy living in *location!*” and changing the subject whenever they try to ask you to move back somewhere you don’t want to go.

NotAnotherUsername89 −  If you had a couple of horses and a couple of dogs, I would want your life. Good for you.

Is it selfish to want a life of solitude, especially when your family pushes you to change? While your family’s concerns come from a place of love, your happiness and well-being are paramount. Share your thoughts on balancing personal fulfillment with family expectations in the comments!