My (28F) boyfriend (32M) told me a “white lie” for almost 3 years and I’m not sure if it‘s a red flag.

A 28-year-old woman is grappling with the revelation that her boyfriend of nearly three years has been lying about key aspects of his life, including his financial independence and family dynamics. What she initially believed to be shared values and experiences now seems fabricated, leaving her questioning if these “white lies” signal deeper issues. Read her story below.

‘ My (28F) boyfriend (32M) told me a “white lie” for almost 3 years and I’m not sure if it‘s a red flag.’

TL;DR: my boyfriend of almost 3 years told me a series of “white lies” that to me, seem more serious. Can’t tell if I’m overreacting or if this is actually indicative of a bigger problem. I’ll try to make this as short as possible but it’s going to be long as hell because there is so much lying going on. My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 3 years, living together for 2. We have a pretty good relationship, obviously with ups and downs but we make it work and are happy.

A little background on me/my boyfriend for context: I come from a single-parent home. My father was absent. My mother was/is by no means perfect, but she did her best with what she had. We were poor. Life was never easy for us but we had each other. Since I was pretty young, I’ve wanted to pay her back someday. I’ve worked incredibly hard to be able to do so.

I help her financially as much as I can and regularly pay her bills/send her cash. I’m also her only living child now as my brother passed away 5 years ago which basically left me to help her. I don’t care, I love my mother, and the right thing to do is to help her when she needs it. But is is stressful.

This is relevant because my boyfriend described coming from a somewhat similar past, and it is something we have bonded over. Having the mutual experiences seemed to bring us closer. He told me he also helped his parents financially, and we would often vent to each other about the stress it brings. I am not one to confide in many people, so having someone who I felt like actually understood me, was meaningful to me.

So here is where the lies come in and I need someone to either tell me I’m not crazy and this is fucked up, or that I am crazy and this isn’t a huge deal. I’m fine with either. When we met, my boyfriend lived in a condo in a pretty swanky part of the city (I live in the US northeast). He told me he owned that apartment/condo. I found this to be interesting/odd because he was 28 at the time and I know this property is upwards of $650,000 on the low end and he was in an entry-level job for only like 2 yrs so the numbers just didn’t really add up. Whatever, maybe he’s good at saving?

But then, since living together, I never once saw a piece of mail for a mortgage payment, electric bill, taxes, nothing. Not for 2 whole years. Very odd. Also, when we started living together, he didn’t have his room rented out in the former apartment yet so he was still responsible for that portion of the rent. He would send a Venmo payment to his mother on the first of every month for his portion. I don’t own property, but I can’t think of a scenario where I would Venmo my mother to pay the mortgage on a property I supposedly own. Getting more odd.

He would then go to his parents house for an afternoon and come back really upset. Usually when I would ask why, it was because they were having financial problems and he needed to help them out. I totally understood this and supported him. He literally has cried on my shoulder about this many times.

He tried to start a company years back and ended up getting into debt somehow. He told me this debt was $17,000 and that he paid it off. I’m confused because I met him only 2-3 years after the supposed debt accrued/company dissolved and it was already paid off? He told me when he moved back home after the business failed, he was $17k in debt and living at his parents house working at a minimum wage job. How someone with a minimum wage job pays off that much debt in 3 years, I’ll never know!

We got into a fight a few weeks ago and I finally had enough and confronted him about these things. Long story short – he doesn’t help his parents, they actually pay his phone bill, and this was all a lie. He doesn’t own that apartment, he didn’t pay off that debt from his company (he initially told me his parents helped pay it off and then like 3 mins later “came clean” and said that his business partner paid it off so I have literally no idea what the truth is there) and if anything, in my eyes, his parents are the ones who are financially supporting him.

So now, I’m dating a 31 yr old man who doesn’t pay his own phone bill, was lying to me and/or completely fabricating aspects of his life for 3 years, and then when confronted about it, continued to make up lies and then came clean about them 5 mins later. I’m obviously concerned that he could lie for this long, about fundamentally important things like our values, and so on.

I sincerely thought I would marry this man, he seemed to understand me like no one else and to be a truly caring and genuine person. Now I’m having a hard time rationalizing actually planning a life around someone who would not only lie about their background and family etc. but also financial aspects. Aside from that, I now can’t tell what is the truth and what is a lie. I’ve also noticed other things he has lied about, called him out on it and he has denied it outright to my face. I see this as a form of g**lighting as I KNOW I’m not wrong but he is trying to convince me otherwise.

Am I overreacting? Is this a white lie that went haywire? Or is this actually a series of complete and utter b**lshit used to manipulate me? And also, is it insane for me to actually consider a life with this man? Any advice is appreciated.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Elation31 −  This isn’t a white lie, this is a huge web of lies on which he’s built the foundations of your relationship. I would forever be wondering what else he’s lied about. Get out.

[Reddit User] −  My hard won advice would be to walk away because I predict/fear there are more lies. I got married to a woman who for the first 6 months of our rs made me believe that her best friend sometimes lived at her house when she was in between places. Her best friend turned out to be her ex who still lived in that house but would leave every weekend when I came over.

Her reasoning for lying; she was scared I wouldn’t date her if I knew she was living with her ex. Back then (I was 25/26), I truly wanted to believe in second chances and also tried to understand the lie, and I ended up marrying someone who lied about so many things, all the time, big and small, and justified cheating on me and treating me like crap all the time. It took me years to build trust with a partner after the divorce and I still don’t really, am in therapy for it.

The thing about your partner lying; what he basically did was forge a connection out of something he knew would touch you in some way; my ex wife did the same thing. I was vegan, of course she was vegan. I was straight edge, of course she never drank either. I loved reading and poetry etc, of course she was into the exact same things. It seems like small things to lie about, but what happens is that you fall in love with someone that doesn’t even exist. Who is your boyfriend when not the person he made you believe he was?

Someone financially not very responsible? Someone who you may not be attracted to in the long run because he determined what your core values are, realized he does not match up, thus created a persona you would like? What’s more concerning, he lies, keeps lying and seems to show no remorse or deeper reflection on what prompted his behavior in the first place. I don’t see him do much to earn your trust back at this point.

I would put pause on this relationship, call it a break or whatever if you are not ready for a full on end just yet, and think about how this all effects you and how things could go forward from here. What would he need to do to prove he can be a trustworthy partner?
I think he probably won’t do much, and a pause or break will bring up more things that were not true, but I’d also like to be wrong about this for your sake.

For now, I would seriously reconsider building anything serious with this man, and building your future around him. He is 32, not a teenager. If a grown man does not know at this age that lying like this is the worst base for a relationship, it may be better to let him go. It might save you a world of (financial and emotional) trouble.

coastalshelves −  None of these are ‘white lies’. White lies are harmless lies that make social interactions go smoother. This is a man who’s had no problems lying to you for three years about his financial situation, and who only came clean because you’re not an i**ot and realised the numbers didn’t add up. If you hadn’t questioned it, how long would he have kept lying to you?

And you already know this isn’t just a ‘white lie that got out of control’, you say in your post that he lies to your face about other things! So no, this isn’t a small issue. You’re dating a guy who literally lies to you all the time about everything, including things that really affect you and your future. So yes, I think it is insane that you’re still considering life with this man.

Buell247 −  To me these are not ‘white lies’. A white lie is if he said he didn’t eat the last cookie but he did really. It’s a trivial unimportant lie. These lies he has told you are not trivial. They are huge and have led you to question his integrity and personality. I think you are right to reconsider whether he is the right partner for you, maybe some therapy would help unpick some of this.

pomfrida −  If he’s still lying there’s no recovery from this. If he’s owning his faults, being sincerely apologetic and willing to go to therapy, I think it’s possible to continue this relationship. Living together you’ll need total transparency in your finances. I can somehow understand why he lied in the start but I can not understand why he would continue to lie when the cat’s out of the box.

foxtailavenger −  This ain’t no white lies. They’re just lies. And yes those are huge red flags flying in the wind. Leave now, it’s good y’all aren’t married yet. All the best.

ms-anthrope −  WHAT ABOUT THESE LIES ARE “WHITE”?! A white lie is “Yes, of course I lie your haircut.” This is a years-long running web of deceit and you still don’t know the truth.

RioKye −  These are major lies. And if mommy and daddy are bank rolling him what will happen if they stop or die? You are going to have to financially support this lying man baby possibly for life. You should nope right out of this relationship asap. He isn’t a partner, he is a burden. Right now he is a burden on his parents and he is looking to be your burden next when the parents are no longer a viable option.

devilsadvocate3001 −  Forget about the whole past thing and getting to know you and focus on the lie itself. He lied about serious financials. Its not a little thing like missing a payment once in a while. When you’re in a serious relationship eventually your finances come together and do you really want to bear his burdens as well as any other things he’ll lie about. For your mental and financial health I’d advise you to find some who doesn’t lie about their financials to that extent. Just know that people out there exist as this is a reasonable expectation and you don’t have to settle for this.

Boobsiclese −  Pathological liars create nothing but pain. Firsthand experience, still dealing with the trauma.. Get. Out. Now.