AITAH for telling my girlfriend that her “feminine” behavior is making me sick?

A 22-year-old man has been in a relationship with his 21-year-old girlfriend for some time. A recurring issue between them is his girlfriend expecting him to “take the lead” more, especially in tasks like driving or speaking on her behalf.

The situation escalated when, after she expressed her desire to feel more “feminine” in the relationship, he told her that her behavior was making him “physically ill.” This caused a significant argument, and now he’s questioning if his reaction was too harsh. Read the original story below to learn more.

‘ AITAH for telling my girlfriend that her “feminine” behavior is making me sick?’

A common argument between my girlfriend (21F) and I (22M) over the course of us dating has been her saying I don’t ‘take the lead’ enough. I’ve always been fairly soft spoken and an easy going sort of guy. I’m not the type to go out of my way to try and look ‘macho’ for anyone. If it were possible for something to rank in the negatives on my priority list, that would.

The main relationship modeled for me growing up, my parents’, was one of shared responsibilities. Not of one person always being in the (both metaphorical and physical) driver’s seat – which is one of our problems, ironically. It’s mostly little stuff that has built up over time. She always expects me to drive, like I mentioned before.

(Lots of car ones actually, like her asking me to start her car in the mornings when it’s cold outside or taking her car to get the oil changed.) There have been times she’s complained about her food to me at a restaurant and then gotten annoyed when *I* didn’t mention it to the waiter on her behalf. Things like that.

Things came to a head yesterday. We went out to dinner and I suggested she drive home. She shut it down pretty quickly, so I told her that her behavior is starting to make me feel really uncomfortable. I feel like I’m playing some sort of role. She started ranting, saying she wanted to feel ‘safe and loved,’ and that she wanted to feel ‘feminine’ in the relationship.

I told her that her “feminine” behavior is starting to make me physically ill. I wasn’t lying. It’s like there’s this pit in my stomach every time I try to force these actions, or when I feel her clinging to my arm like I’m supposed to be this protector. **I** would also like to feel safe and loved in the relationship. I don’t want to feel responsible for someone else’s well-being the way she expects me to.

Hell, I’d love to be able to shut my brain off and let someone else do the thinking for a little while. She’s very mad at me, and said that me saying she makes me sick is a low blow. I do feel like I might’ve went too far, but I was being honest. AITAH?

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

[Reddit User] −  Yall need to break TF up 

Signal_Violinist_995 −  You two are not compatible. Neither of you are assholes – you want what you want. Next time you start a relationship, make sure those things are discussed up front. There are many women who want what your girlfriend wants, there are others who don’t –

deathbychips2 −  She needs a man who believes more in traditional gender roles than you do and you need someone who doesn’t. I’m not sure why people keep insisting on dating people who don’t have the same gender role beliefs and trying to force it on the other one.

facinationstreet −  The 2 of you are incompatible.

mrs-poocasso69 −  Definitely incompatible. There are men who will want to be the “masculine” partner she is looking for, and there are women who will be more of an equal that it sounds you’re looking for. You should break up and find those people. edit: NAH, you just want different things.

Cool_Jelly_9402 −  That sick feeling is your awareness you need to break up- you can only push it down for so long before it will come erupting out

ReclaimingMine −  OP you are looking for a feminist.

DHCruiser −  NTA – As others have commented, you aren’t compatible for the long term. You both have very different wants and needs for relationship roles. You need to move on

MrRoryBreaker_98 −  Listen, brother, I dated someone exactly like this. It felt like I was just playing a role in her preplanned life. I bet you feel like your thoughts and opinions don’t matter to her, don’t you? It’s incompatibility, but it’s more than that. She doesn’t see her partner as a fully fledged human being, but rather as a piece to be moved around the board.. Leave as soon as possible.

oxPsychoticHottie −  Incompatibility issue. NAH imo.

Honest communication is crucial in relationships, but it’s also important to be mindful of how we express our feelings. While it’s understandable to feel uncomfortable with certain dynamics, it’s also essential to consider the impact of our words. Do you think this situation could have been handled differently? Share your thoughts below.