How do I tell my narcissist mother (65F) that I (29F) already bought my wedding dress?

A 29-year-old woman, who has long dealt with her narcissistic mother’s emotional manipulation, faces a dilemma: how to tell her mother she’s already purchased her wedding dress without triggering drama or guilt trips. With her courthouse wedding plans set, she’s determined to avoid emotional fallout while standing her ground. Read her story below.

‘ How do I tell my narcissist mother (65F) that I (29F) already bought my wedding dress?’

My fiance and I are getting married over the summer (we’ve been together 4 years). We decided on a very informal courthouse wedding and the two of us decided to elope/honeymoon internationally after. Well, this was heartbreaking to our parents and my mom threw a fit and tried to bargain and bully her way into getting her way. I gathered all of my strength from the spirit of past [relationships] posts and put my foot down.

I had a change of heart a few months later though. I have a good relationship with my MIL and I wanted her to be able to see us get married. Fiance and I decided to invite the parents for the weekend of our courthouse wedding. We planned some photos and simple dinner and THAT’S IT.

My mom of course took this as an invitation to start planning a wedding for us with a fancy cake and extravagant dinner. I just let her make these plans and not acknowledging them, instead reiterating my own. It seems to be working so far, except when it comes to the dress.

Backstory: My mom has always used money as a tool for emotional manipulation. Even when I was a child, she would spend her “last dollars” on something and bring it up FOREVER. She would talk about how she was poor and didn’t have any clothes without holes in them because of me and my medical bills or things that I “wanted”. She would tell people on the street that she couldn’t afford a haircut or dental work because of me.

I separated myself from my parents financially as soon as I got to college and have a lot of debt as a result. I really couldn’t handle the constant guilt trips even if it meant working full-time my freshman year. I stopped asking for anything at a young age and I still have a huge aversion to asking anyone for anything or receiving gifts. A few years ago, my parents took a page from Wesley Snipes’ book and are now in a pretty bad financial situation. This makes my mom even more of a martyr when she sends me (unsolicited) gifts.

The first time I told her about the wedding, she said, “I don’t have any money, but the dress is MINE!” meaning she would buy it for me. She talked up the experience and is clearly looking forward to shopping with me. I don’t mind the shopping aspect, but I don’t want her to make this all about the sacrifice she made for my “special day”.

I will literally have to hear about this for the rest of her life – “Remember when I spent my last few pennies on your dress. I had to eat rice for a month afterward and I couldn’t afford my medication, but you looked so lovely!” I don’t want to think about how much of a f**king narcissist my mom is every time I look at my wedding photos.

I started doing some preliminary online shopping and found sample dress on sale for $100 down from $500! I ordered it and it’s arriving today. Assuming it fits and looks okay, this is the one. Here’s the problem: My mom is coming to visit for the first time in a year and dress shopping is at the top of her list.

I’m so stressed out about what to say. I know I need to tell her that I bought a dress already, but I really just want to lie or avoid this whole situation. Anyone who’s dealt with a narcissist knows how she’s going to turn this around on me so I’m the a**hole, and blow this whole thing out of proportion. I never really developed a healthy relationship or mechanisms to deal with her and I just avoid situations like these to keep peace. My best idea so far was to tell her I found the dress at Goodwill. What’s wrong with me???

I know I need to tell her, but what’s the best way to approach this with the least amount of explosion? How do I stand up for myself without being a total d**k? I believe in speaking my mind and doing what you want, I just don’t want to deal with this fallout. TL;DR: I’m still a child at nearly 30 who is scared to tell her mom that she bought a dress.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

stabbitytuesday −  Wanting to avoid unnecessary drama (even if you aren’t the one being unnecessary) isn’t childish, it’s just reasonable. But you also can’t really avoid it. “Oh, we can skip shopping, I found a really amazing deal on a dress so you don’t have to worry about it! What do you think about chinese for dinner?” Repeat ad nauseum. Redirect immediately.

Mention that you would feel guilty if your mom put herself out just for a dress, and then ask if she heard about that new netflix show. When she presses, and she will press, brush her off. “Mom, I already told you I got the dress taken care of, so you really don’t have to stress about it. I’ve been meaning to ask, what’s your book club up to?”

Honestly I don’t think this is a situation you can “win”, just one you can manage. She’s a narcissist, there’s no outmaneuvering that, so if you’re committed to her being involved your best bet is to just be cheerful teflon and act like she’s being silly when she tries to pitch a fit about it. She’s going to act like you’re being unreasonable or mean to her either way, you can’t stop that, but you can keep from giving her the attention and drama she’s looking for.

[Reddit User] −  You know your mom is an N, so why are you letting her come visit you? Why are you letting her ignore your wishes and plan a giant reception for you? Why are you lying and covering and walking on eggshells? Nothing you do or tell her will make her happy. Because that is who she is. Unless everything is done her way, she will be abusive.

So it’s up to you to stop hiding in the shadows and just live your truth. You are not a dependent scared little girl anymore. You are 29 years old and you are allowed to do what you want with your wedding. You tell her that you found a great dress and purchased it. If she rages, you ask her to leave. If she refuses to leave, you call the cops. Don’t put up with this b**lshit anymore. Don’t live in fear. Live authentically and if she wants to get on board and be a part of your life, she will have to adapt.

coffeetablestain −  It took until I was 32 years old to realize I could get my haircut whatever way I wanted. It took that long also to realize I didn’t need to pick up the phone, that I didn’t need to explain my choices, that even if I were to do everything perfectly and be a clone of my father in every way and be subservient to his every whim, that he would still be perpetually, clinically self-centered and *NOTHING* would ever make him happy.

The thing about narcissists is they train you to constantly think you need to get their validation and approval by giving you a sense of guilt and debt to them, by training you from childhood to never feel like you did *quite* good enough, and that next time if you try just a little harder, that maybe, just maybe they would drop you a kernel of praise or respect as an individual.

The only way you win their game is to not play. The only way you come out as a winner is to escape. You will never please them, you will never win, you will never get that long, heartfelt talk where they finally understand and respect you and apologize for treating you like a disappointing child your whole life. You have to accept that and understand that if you want to live on your own terms, you have to do the hard thing and start looking at them as a person who gave you genes, not a parent that wants the best for you and actually loves you the same way you might love your own children.

You don’t owe anyone explanations for your own decisions. If you allow this feeling to foster and nurture this narcissistic relationship you will lose people around you, you will not be able to love yourself, you will not be able to love others and build your own life and you will become anxious and less of a person.

I’m a 40-year old man and my life was wrecked by a narcissistic father but I didn’t know even a shred of peace until I stopped responding to him and got some therapy and changed my phone number. People who seek to control you won’t have less than that. That’s the nature of abusers.

bickets −  Tell her now before she comes. That way if she flips out and starts blowing up your phone you can tell her “Mom, it seems like this is probably not a good time for you to come visit. Let’s postpone your trip for another time.” Whatever you do, don’t show her the dress, she’ll hate it and make unpleasant comments about it and you’ll feel badly or start doubting your choice. Just tell her that you found a great dress that you’re happy with it. If she asks to see it, tell her that no one is seeing it before the wedding. Leave it at a friend’s house while she’s visiting so she doesn’t snoop.

Text her and tell her you found a great dress, but you’d love to go shopping for a mother of the bride dress with her when she visits. If she’s wise, she’ll be happy with sharing that experience with you. But don’t count on it. It’s far more likely that she’s going to be angry and tell you that she TOLD you she wanted to buy you the dress, etc. “Sorry you feel that way, mom. I’m the bride and I chose a dress that I’m happy with it.” is really all you need to say in response.

TiberiusBronte −  Ugh God my mom did the exact same thing, except the day I went shopping for my dress with my BFF she just kept calling me crying and completely ruined the whole experience. She spent my adolescence criticizing my clothing and body almost every day, so no I didn’t want her there. I feel like I know that feeling of anxiety when you’re about to do something that will set off your narc mother. No matter how much you rationalize it as an adult, she had years to train you to feel guilty.

If she wants to be supportive of you, your wedding, and your marriage, then she needs to support your choices. You are in the right here. There is literally no reason for you to feel guilty, no matter what she says. FWIW, therapy helped me immensely with developing strategies for setting boundaries and dealing with my mother. Especially if you’re planning on kids, I highly recommend starting to set those boundaries now.

gatamosa −  I made the mistake of purchasing my wedding dress that was 75% off, 1 day before my mother arrived to where I was living and getting married at the time. It was a huge sale. I had gone with my JYMIL and her daughter, and man, I was not expecting to find anything, but I did, and I could not put it on hold.

I could’ve requested to pay the store and keep it there, and pretend I found it the day my mom got here. But then I thought, my time was limited, I could not waste another day pretending to look for a dress, and then most likely my mom doing a show-off and wanting to purchase the dress and give me the same complaint of her monetary “sacrifices”.

I ended up telling her, and boy was she a twat. How dare I, How could I, I never think of her, how disrespectful, what a terrible daughter I am, the dress is a mother-daughter thing (I don’t know since when for us, since in our culture that is pretty whatever) In retrospect, it was all a ruse to show off.

My MIL ended up paying for the wedding, and my mom trying to one-up her, stated she was gonna pay for the bar (it was like $300 and tried complaining about it, but everyone reminded her she didn’t have to, since it was already covered by MIL) Then she offered to pay for our honeymoon.. And I took the offer.. And she never payed me back. And that is how My husband I got our first credit card debt and my husband never trusted my mother ever again.

There is nothing wrong with you. YEARS of conditioning and manipulation from her make you filter every choice, every decision you make through your idea of her judgement of you. Will she agree, will she like this, will she approve, will she complain, will she say something n**ty, will she make you feel bad about it. Gosh, is endless.

If I were you, take this opportunity to set boundaries. Yes, that is super scary, SUPER FREAKING SCARY, but once you’ve done it, it is so liberating. You can simply tell her the truth. It is the truth. You cannot let her make you feel bad for telling the truth (imagine, how fucked up the dynamics of the relationship are with a narc, that they make you feel guilty FOR TELLING THE TRUTH) You found a dress. You liked it, you bought it.. \EXPLOSIONS\ Calmly move on. Grey rock her: You found a dress. You liked it, you bought it.

She will, hopefully, get bored of you not reacting to her overreaction. If not, take this also as a stepping stone to start shaping boundaries to go LC. As a word of advice for you, I strongly urge to set your boundaries now before this actively affects your marriage. It took the entirety of my marriage to finally see that my mother was a driving wedge between me and my husband, me and my sanity and my husband felt helpless to see me fall for her manipulation.

I went NC with my mom last July, and my marriage has been the most solid it has been since I got married. I no longer have that filter in my head of trying to appease her.. Best wishes!

NDaveT −  I bought a dress already. I didn’t want to be a financial burden on you.

AthenaSholen −  Do NOT JADE for her.. Justify. Argue. Defend. Explain. You’re an adult about to get married. Set boundaries NOW. You are not responsible for her feelings. The day of tomorrow when you have kids (if you decide to) things will get worse. Trust me. You should visit r/raisedbynarcissists and read their stories too.. Shine your spine.. Edit: to.

Babycat4everz −  My mom is a narcissist. I’m also getting married this summer. Dress shopping with her was the worst part of wedding planning so far. She spent the day trying to redirect attention to herself and talking bad about me to my mother in law (who later told me everything), and when that didn’t work she pouted and stormed off (only to return and pout some more when everyone ignored the storm off).. You. Dodged. A. Bullet.

Dress shopping is basically putting yourself in a situation where she’d have both your attention and sales people’s attention in a captive setting. I’m sure you can imagine the disaster that could ensue with that combo and an nmom. Like the others said, put her on an info diet, and don’t over explain. Just tell her you ended up finding the perfect dress unexpectedly so you guys no longer need to go looking for one. Then when she has a meltdown, stay calm and unresponsive. In happier news, hey, you’re getting married. Congrats on such a good time of your life. 🙂

[Reddit User] −  My friend has a similar situation she has major anxiety and already her mom and MIL (who hate each other) were complaining to her about the dress shopping. She originally asked us (her friends) to do a trip to a major city to try on in the summer. Moms were furious. Next thing I know she bought a used dress online and has it ready to be altered. She did it completely alone as the price was right and it’s the one she wanted. No stress and it’s done.