I (33F) went to sleep a year ago with my wonderful new husband (40M). I woke up next to a stranger in his body. I can’t be two people.

A newlywed woman is struggling with a profound shift in her husband’s behavior, which drastically changed after their wedding. The man she married—a supportive, attentive, and passionate partner—has seemingly transformed into a dismissive, detached, and unrecognizable version of himself. Feeling lost, she seeks advice on what could have caused this drastic change and what steps she should take. Read her full story below.

‘ I (33F) went to sleep a year ago with my wonderful new husband (40M). I woke up next to a stranger in his body. I can’t be two people.’

Reddit, please help me. I’m at my wits end. This is going to read like “we see what we want to see” but I assure you that’s not the case. My husband and I have been married a bit over a year, we were together for 4 before that. Not long distance, normal relarionship, moved in together at around the 2 year mark. He was damn close to perfect. Really he was. Even after the honeymoon phase wore off, damn close to perfect.. Here’s the guy I married:

Attentive, sensual and comfortable with his s***ality, brave, honorable, honest, communicated well, respectfully told me when he took issue with something I had done and accepted criticism gracefully when I was upset with him, then we worked out the issue together and it STAYED fixed. A great mix of social and alone time – he didn’t want to go out to much or stay in too much which was great for me because I’m very introverted with a touch of social anxiety.

Nothing too bad, I’m just one of those people who never wants to go out…. then has a blast when I get there. He had a great job and goals and we were planning a great future. He was supportive of my career development (I was a late starter, went to college late). He was proud of me and always walked around like a preening peacock with me in public. We were That Couple, guys.

His ONLY faults were that he sometimes did what his mother wanted, even when it was more than a little unreasonable, but we set some boundaries with her and that got better, and he could be a little scatterbrained/inconsiderate in the way of he wouldn’t ASK me about plans, he would TELL me the day before. I fixed that one by saying he was welcome to go alone, but if I made other plans and he hadn’t told me, I was sticking with my other plans. Those are pretty minor things in the grand scheme of things.

All out friends told me I finally got it right, half of them would have happily dated him if we broke up. Not in a creepy way, just a “You’re super lucky, he’s awesome, I’ve always had a little crush on him” way.. And then we got married. I have no ue who this man is anymore.

We nearly never have s**. He acts like he’s as***al. Before, it was s**ts and jumping me as soon as I walked in the door. Now its one position, with the lights off, once every 2 or 3 weeks. It’s like he’s self conscious and afraid of s** now. He stopped communicating. He hates everything about me. I’m Buddhist, he’s agnostic, but he used to be interested in what I had to say about my beliefs. Very interested.

I never tried to convert him, it’s just a part of my life I value. He used to love intellectual and philosphical discussions about Buddhism, now he just tunes out or says “ok”. That’s his go to for anything. My needs, my thoughts, my feelings, my concerns, my likes and dislikes are all met with “ok”. We never go out anymore. I mean NEVER. I still sometimes go to events with friends, he isn’t interested.

He quit his job without telling me because he “hated it” and took a job as a delivery driver for Amazon. This was like a $40k yr PAY CUT. There is no money for the training and class I need for my career. But yet he finds money for his collectibles and whatever he wants. If I ask, he says it’s my problem. I need to fund my own advancement. Which would be right, to a point, except it would advance US. And he HAD been helping. He had agreed to continue to.

He does nothing around the house anymore. I was away for 4 days and came home to find stale food in the cat’s dishes that had sat there since I left and they had no water. The younger is half Siamese and he was yowling anf going stir crazy because he hadn’t been played with. He used to adore those cats and snuggle and play with them all the time. No laundry was done. There was a sink full of dishes.

The mommy issue is back. She says jump and he asks how high. Period. He spends entire days with her morning to night for days in a row. She has no health issues, this isn’t a caregiver situation. When I’ve talked to him about it he says I don’t “understand” what it’s like to have family (I’m NC with my abusive mother, my father passed when I was 11, I have a brother who lives in another country). It feels personal. Like he rubs my nose in his family.

He’s no longer a gentlemen. He no longer has my back and stands up for me. We have j**kwad neighbors who leave crap in our yard, are loud and obnoxious, and just generally assholes. One day I got in an argument with one of them because they were having a party and PARKING IN OUR DRIVEWAY and where my BF would have shown a united front, my HUSBAND told me to “stop being hormonal”, looked at the neighbor and said “You know how women are” and HAD A BEER with him.

Reddit, I don’t know this guy and I don’t like him. Is this who he really is? I LIVED with him for 2 years and saw none of this. I wouldn’t have married this a**hole. He makes me feel like s**t about myself and like I’m less than. I feel like I have a bratty teenager and not a husband.

But yet I saw nearly none of this. Like I said, just 2 minor issues. He was amazing. And now that I’m married to him I don’t know him. Can someone really fake a personality 24/7 for 2 years? So well that none of their true self bleeds through? I don’t want to spend my life with someone who hates me and everything about me, who is either zoned in front of the computer or at moms, who acts like I’m dipped in s**t when I try to touch him. I wouldn’t have married that guy. I thought I married an adult partner. Tl;dr Husband did a total 180 after wedding. Why? What do I do?

Check out how the community responded:

thoughtsforbirds −  It sounds like he’s either suffering from depression or did the bait-n-switch. Either way, I think you should two-card him. Tell him you’re absolutely miserable and confused in this relationship and you’re either calling a marriage counselor or a divorce lawyer, but something has to give.

dogsordiamonds −  None of his changes even seem to benefit him. A lower paying job? Not going out? Not having s**? It’s not like you said he changed and now he travels the world without you or something else where at least he’s benefitting. Maybe it’s something medical like a brain tumor or something. Maybe this is what his parents’ marriage was like and he thinks he should be this way because of how they were? I’m very confused for you.

eshtive353 −  Honestly, it sounds like your husband is suffering from depression or some other similar mental disease. Has he been to a doctor at all about this major change in personality?

Stormageddonrex −  Oh god, I fell for this too. I was with someone for years, and while we had issues, he was an all around great guy. We get married and *bam!* he’s a whole different person. There are a few reasons this change happened: 1. He’s depressed – if this is the case, this change should be temporary and therapy would help. However, it’s only going to work if he’s willing.

2. He faked it – your relationship was a complete lie up until the point that you got married. Once you were legally tied to each other, he stopped having to pretend to be interested, because he assumes you are stuck with him forever. Sadly, my situation was an “option 2” where the moment we signed our marriage certificate, he dropped the act.. My recommendation would be to: 1. Talk to him about the change and suss out if perhaps it is a depression issue. 2. Ask him to attend marriage counseling with you.

However, if he refuses counseling, or it becomes apparent that he is really just a j**k, then get out as quickly as possible. If you’re stuck with an “option 2” guy, I can promise you it’s only going to get worse.

ShadowBanHans −  Sounds like you fell for a classic two face. Marriage counseling should be mandatory. Immediately. If he refuses, you need to bail before you get knocked up and drag kids into this garbage fire. S**t happens.

Pola_Xray −  One day I got in an argument with one of them because they were having a party and PARKING IN OUR DRIVEWAY and where my BF would have shown a united front, my HUSBAND told me to “stop being hormonal”, looked at the neighbor and said “You know how women are” and HAD A BEER with him.. what the f**k.

[Reddit User] −  I’ve seen a lot of people positing possible reasons why he’s changed like this, but the bottom line to me is that it doesn’t matter–you’re f**king miserable and have reached a breaking point. I’d honestly show him this post, and let him know that it all needs to change or you’re going to walk. If he’s operating on the assumption that marriage has “trapped” you with him, this’ll dissolve that notion nicely. I wouldn’t even try counselling. He knows how to treat you well, he’s chosen not to do it. It’s ultimatum time. Oh, and if you do this, you must follow through if he doesn’t turn things around.

[Reddit User] −  Can someone really fake a personality 24/7 for 2 years? So well that none of their true self bleeds through? Yes. Happens All the time. And it stops hours after the wedding. Sorry for your loss. Bail, this will not improve.

HelpMyBabySleep −  Divorce. And quadruple up on birth control meanwhile. People will say marriage counseling. You are welcome to try it. My issue with it would be, say it works and your boyfriend is back and married to you, and doesn’t think you are poop. Yay! Would you ever, even 20 years later, be able to go to sleep next to him without worrying who you will wake up next to? I wouldn’t.

I’d be waiting for the other shoe to fall. You are 33. He is 40. That might mean 50 more years together. 50 years is an awful long time to walk on eggshells waiting for the other shoe to drop and never being certain where you stand in your relationship.

But if still have some feelings for that other guy and want to give him a fair chance, you can try counseling to find out what happened. I can’t image an explanation that would make sense to me, but if there is one and it makes sense to you, you can go from there. Without a reason for the personality switch, and a reason why it will never happen again, you cannot continue this relationship.

rab0t −  OP, I have depression. I’ve seen depression. I’m going through a massive depressive phase as I type this. And I STRONGLY disagree with everybody calling “depressed” here. Depression can do a lot of things, but this is a complete and utter shift in his personality, especially seemingly overnight.

Depression hits fast, sure, but you see signs prior to: moments of lethargy or anger that he otherwise couldn’t explain, periods where he’d be sad or touchy or moody for no reason, SOMETHING. A personality shift this severe probably have a root cause somewhere else–some other ailment that’s causing these symptoms. Some folks have said brain tumor. I’d drag his ass to a doctor. Whatever happens, I’m hoping ti works out for you both, somehow.