AITA for banning my FIL’s parents from ever seeing our children again?

A 33-year-old woman recently learned that her father-in-law’s parents (her children’s great-grandparents) had abused him and his brother when they were children. After discussing the situation with her husband and confronting her in-laws, she decided to ban them from seeing their grandchildren, feeling strongly that it was the right thing to do.

This decision caused a rift in the family, including a sad and quiet Christmas with just her immediate family. Now, she’s questioning whether her choice was too extreme, especially with the timing right before the holidays. Read the original story below for more context.

‘ AITA for banning my FIL’s parents from ever seeing our children again?’

I (33F) found out about a week before Christmas that my FIL’s parents “diddled” him (that’s how he put it) and his older brother when they were kids. It was mentioned super casually as I was driving him home from a doctor appointment that requires a mild anesthetic, so I tried to keep that in mind,

but everything we had been talking about beforehand was fairly normal, albeit a little gushier than usual, such as telling me how thankful he is for me and my family and whatnot. Anyways. I brought it up to my husband that night and it was really upsetting for him. He said he had suspected because his grandparents always “creeped him out” and he wasn’t allowed to be around them alone.

I told him that we cannot allow our children (9F, 3M, 1F) around them ever again. He pushed back at first and explained how much upset that would cause and I said TOO DAMN BAD, this should have happened a lot time ago. He tried to make all these points of “they’re old” “it happened so long ago” “we don’t even know what happened” “our kids don’t need to be ALONE with them” and then I hit him with:

if we DONT do this, then we are normalizing it further. Because someday, our children will find out, and whatever decisions we make around it will be the example they live by. He agreed. And apologized and immediately acknowledged that it’s a scary decision to make because it’s going to cause a ripple.

We talked to my MIL and asked her if she knew anything about it. She immediately turned around, walked into the kitchen, told us to take a seat and asked if we wanted coffee or tea. After some tears, apologies, anger, and some really amazing coffee, we learned the truth which was horrifying and I won’t get into the details obviously.

But we found out that my FIL’s older brother didn’t die in a car accident. He took his own life. That was it for me and my husband. We pulled the plug. My MIL was so upset but said she understood and would try her best to explain to her husband. We told her that wasn’t her job and that we could explain if he wanted.

My husband didn’t have the heart to reach out, so I did it. I know some of you may have a problem with this, but if you knew us at all, you’d understand this was the best choice. I first spoke to his father and reminded him of what he had told me about being abused and he got really quiet on the phone to the point where I said “hello?” And he said “DONT. You. Ever. Tell ME that I was abused” and freaked out.

Telling me I didn’t know anything and how his parents did their best and they were just young and dumb and drank a lot and hadn’t found Jesus and blah blah blah. I let him go on and on while my husband listened absolutely mortified. Once he stopped I just cut right to the chase and said “I can no longer allow your parents to see my children” and he hung up on me.

My MIL called the next morning and said they weren’t coming to Christmas and how sorry she was. Around dinner time that day my SIL sent me this long text about how her and her husband wouldn’t be coming over either because she felt it would upset her father even more and make him feel like she was picking us.

I tried calling her right after but she sent me to voicemail and I explained that it doesn’t need to be a side-picking thing at all. So our Christmas was just my husband and our children this year.. and though it was a good day, we really felt the emptiness.

I kept telling him we made the right decision, and that peoples reactions to our boundaries don’t change the boundary we’ve laid. But I can see on my husbands face how sad he is.. and there’s a tiny piece of me that feels like I’m being this crazy control freak who just blew up my husbands entire family RIGHT before Christmas.. So… AITA?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

dheffe01 −  NTA, $5 says your SIL doesn’t know about the suicide.

NorthPortDad −  NTA. Can’t believe it didn’t occur to him how serious this is, and whether your kids may already be victims.

U_Wont_Remember_Me −  NTA. He committed suicide? They hadn’t found Jesus? Jesus H. Christ. You don’t want to put tempting morsels in their way and hope to GOD that they don’t submit to temptation. All it takes is once. Just the grooming can change a child’s behavior. Permanently.

Longjumping-Wish7126 −  I come from a very dark background regarding this topic so let me say what I came here to say, THANK YOU-for prioritizing your babies, for getting your husband on board, for taking it seriously, for handling your FIL with so much respect and kindness. You will NEVER regret protecting your babies, never.

youmustb3jokn −  Nta. Fil is in denial and needs to go to serious therapy. In fact his downplaying of the molestation is troubling in that it questions his understanding of appropriate and in- appropriate behaviors. If protecting your children means people don’t want to be around you I would gladly wear that badge.

Those people are enablers and will continue to have this “family tradition” impact their generations for years. That is a statistical fact. So you breaking the cycle of delivering children to know pedophiles is honestly the only way to stop that. And also never ever be regretful for protecting your children ever.

I am a psychologist and this will destroy people’s lives. How would you feel knowing you did nothing and something did happen? In that case, those who do nothing, are just as guilty because they are telling the kids that behavior is ok. It is not.

Frozendreaam −  NTA. That’s heartbreaking for everyone involved, especially ur husband. But u 100% did the right thing. Those ppl are a danger to children, and its ur job to protect ur kids. Its not abt being a “control freak” its abt keeping them safe.

Imaginary-Brick-2894 −  After my FIL’s father died at 93, I found out over dinner that the c**ep had raped my FIL’s sisters when they were young. My FIL was a WWII vet, shot 3 times, bronze star(should have been a silver), fought in North Africa and Europe. Big loving strong man. And he let his father see his children. My MIL made it clear they never left their children alone with her in-laws.

I was flabbergasted. Never left them alone? Why see them at all? Is it a generational thing? I still don’t know. I found out in the ’70s when I was 20. I wouldn’t let them near any child of mine. But, like I said, the old c**ep died before my children were born. So, in short, tell your husband to talk to a therapist.

He needs to learn about boundaries, denial, and to get a professional opinion that isn’t yours but is sane. You did a great job. You may be in for a few single holidays, but your in-laws will soon miss you, your husband, and the grandkids. By the way, thanks for validating me, too. I knew not to ever let any child near a pedophile or rapist.

wlfwrtr −  Inlaws allowed their children to be abused because FIL couldn’t accept that he himself was abused even after his brother’s death. Unfortunately allowing them to be around children alone would also be a mistake since they allowed their own children to be abused who’s to say they wouldn’t allow it to happen to yours too.

kehlarc −  NTA. Your FIL is bending himself into a pretzel to excuse what his pedo parents did to him and his brother. I feel sorry for him as it’s just his way of dealing with the horror of his childhood and it’s now costing his relationship with your family. Your priority is to keep your children safe. It’s too bad that your SIL and MIL chose to enable him instead of helping him out of his bubble of self-deceit.

Far-Juggernaut8880 −  NTA- you need to protect your children. Give FIL some time to process that the trauma he has minimized and redefine to be able to cope with is now known by his children. Like many childhood s**ual abuse victims of his generation, the sense of shame is very strong.

Paired with the tragic loss of his brother and the stigma of that. His PTSD would have made him retreat inside and most likely he now feels very exposed and out of control. Clearly FIL was aware enough to ensure his children were never unsupervised with his parents.

Setting boundaries, especially when it involves protecting your children, is never easy. While the emotional cost of alienating family members is high, the decision to prioritize safety and not normalize abuse is critical. Is this woman wrong for making such a hard choice at a delicate time, or was it the responsible decision to protect her family? What do you think about the consequences of her actions? Share your thoughts below!