AITA for burning bridges with my in-laws at my husband’s funeral?

A Redditor shares the story of a difficult situation involving her late husband’s family. She reflects on her marriage to Jake, which began full of promise but changed drastically after he joined the military. Over time, Jake’s personality shifted, his temper flared, and his drinking worsened.

Despite her attempts to discuss his future, things grew toxic, and after his tragic death in a car accident, the Redditor felt relief rather than sorrow. At his funeral, she made a candid remark about her experience with the military and its impact on Jake, which led to a clash with his family and unexpected support for them from her own parents. Read the original story below to learn more about her emotional journey.

‘ AITA for burning bridges with my in-laws at my husband’s funeral?’

I married “Jake” when we both were 19 – I know in hindsight that that was dumb, but it was common in the area. We’re from an area with little in the way of opportunities, and while I did well enough to get scholarships and attend college, Jake decided to join the military.

We talked extensively about this, and he was vocal in his intention to only join for one term to get the GI Bill and then get out and go to college. When I married him, Jake was a sweet, funny guy who enjoyed cooking and the only things he’d willingly hurt were deer.

But after he joined, Jake changed. He got a lot angrier, in general. I’d never known him to have a temper, but he went from never raising his voice to yelling at his family and me when he didn’t get his way, to less pleasant behavior when he was drunk. And oh how he drank.

I have nothing against a beer with friends now and then, but after joining the military Jake was drinking constantly. His sense of humor got a lot cruder, too, “Dirty little sheet heads!” became his favorite punchline. The final straw was when we discussed his plans to get out and go to college since he was looking at whether to stay in or get out. He wanted to stay in. I reminded him he’d promised to get out. He’d been drinking, and things got ugly.

The wives’ club at the base was no help, so I started quietly looking into how to divorce Jake. Then, earlier this year, he died in a car accident. My only feeling was, honestly, relief. I went to his funeral and didn’t say anything at the service, but at dinner Jake’s little sister approached me and said she’d started dating a soldier and wanted to know if I had any advice.

My advice? “Don’t. The military ruined Jake and turned the man I loved into a drunk, abusive a**hole.” Jake’s family predictably erupted in a firestorm, but more alarmingly to me, my own parents have taken their side.. AITA?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

IsaRenee −  NTA. She asked for advice, she got it. And you know what? Yeah it’s too broad, but you were abused and freshly out. So no, not everyone who joins the military will end up like he did, but you gave your honest sisterly advice.

(And yes, it might have traumatized her, but in the end if she sees the truth she may ask you to talk with her about how things changed. She may ask for the better memories of her brother. ) Sorry, I’m not too sure this is coherent but hopefully it makes sense.

JimGrimoire −  NAH, but given the context, you’re reaaaal close to YTA, despite tir circumstances. Everyone processes grief (or lack thereof) differently. They of course still loved him, so to them, you just insulted their recently deceased brother/son/cousin right after his funeral. They didn’t have the same experience as you and fall out of love with him, so for them, the comment was cruel. It doesn’t take into context your experience.

[Reddit User] −  YTA. Typically it is bad to say negative things about others at their funeral, especially in front of their grieving family. You should have made the conversation more private, and you shouldn’t have elaborated unless prompted. I agree entirely with your sentiment. Your intentions were good, but wrong place and wrong time.

BroadElderberry −  ESH. Your SIL asked a dumb-ass question. As far as she knew, you just lost your husband, and so that’s maybe not a good time to bring up her budding love life. Said husbands funeral is neither the time nor the place for you to say that. Not to mention that all military people are not the same. They’re as diverse as civilians.

6 member of my family all served, and not one of them *ever* behaved like your husband did (though 4 of them are middle-eastern, so they don’t say things like “dirty little sheet head” for a different reason).

[Reddit User] −  NTA. You were abused, she asked for advice and you gave it. Funeral or not, honesty is always the best choice. His parents are hurting of course, but that doesn’t mean they should be lied to or have the truth hidden from them. Lies and omission absolutely s**k. The assholes for me are your husband and your parents for not sympathizing with you after he literally abused you.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. Ex-Navy wife here. It’s a brutal life in a lot of ways and civilians cannot, and never will, understand. You were also probably away from the family for your postings, so they only remember the man you married, not the man he became.

You have your remembrance, they have theirs. I would not apologize, but might say, “Things changed while we were in and if I could go back, I would have encouraged Jake to not enlist, but whatever you (Jake’s little sister) choose to do, I will always be here for you.” As for the fam, yours and his, they can pound sand. You are the a widow of a military man. You have grown beyond having to appease your family.

eabird −  Dude NTA. I’m a female veteran, I’ve seen husband’s do their civillian wives so dirty and the women too. Could you have said it better? Probably. But that was probably the worst time to ask that question. You went through it not your family and not his family. You should probably seek some help and talk this out with a professional though.

gedvondur −  Soft YTA – I’m not denying your pain or your issues with Jake. But that was cruel and insensitive to do at that time. I can also appreciate that you were under a lot of emotional turmoil yourself.

StreetSweep949 −  NTA I was the only person in my group of 6 friends from high school that didn’t go into a service job, and to be honest it seriously screwed them all up except for one and that one grew up in that household you described so the services wasn’t much different than home for him. But you were honest with her and gave her your true feelings, I’m honestly very glad that you gave her an honest heads up

[Reddit User] −  YTA. You hurt the family who was in grief and probably didn’t need to be told their son was a monster. Secondly just because jake was an a**hole, according to you, doesn’t mean that every soldier will become a d**k.

Do you think the Redditor’s feelings were justified, given the turmoil in her marriage, or was her reaction too harsh considering the context of her late husband’s family? How would you approach a situation like this with your in-laws after a tragic loss? Share your thoughts below!