AITA for shutting down talk about having kids with “purposely controversial statements?”
A Redditor and her husband, passionate mountaineers who’ve decided against having kids, hosted a family BBQ. The conversation, however, quickly took a heated turn when his family repeatedly pushed the idea of them having children — despite knowing their decision.
After several polite attempts to shut down the topic, the situation escalated when they bluntly stated their backup plan if an unwanted pregnancy occurred: abortion. This led to an explosive reaction from his family, accusations of cruelty, and a Facebook drama storm. Were they wrong for being direct? Read the full story below.
‘ AITA for shutting down talk about having kids with “purposely controversial statements?”’
Our region has done well handling COVID, so my husband and I had a small group of family over for a backyard BBQ a month ago. We’re the only ones in the family “left” who don’t have kids. We’re not going to. We prefer our lives as mountaineers. His family thinks we’ll change our minds. Mind you, husband had the snip.
MIL jokingly mentioned that maybe with all the “alone time” we’d be giving the family a little bundle of joy. We shut the idea down with good humor. She kept pressing, and SIL chimed in with “Come on, this is the perfect time to get started!”
Husband: We’ve talked about this already. Let’s drop it..
MIL: Well, I don’t care..
Husband: Again, drop it..
MIL: I hope it happens!
Husband: Thankfully we’re very careful.
MIL: Accidents happen. It isn’t always up to you.
Husband: Yes, it is. I had a vasectomy. Like I said, discussion over. Can we move on?
We do, but MIL and SIL are whispering with each other and shooting glances, looking at their phones, etc. BIL and I are laughing about something dumb on TV, seems like everything is fine. Until SIL says, “Vasectomies can fail, you know! It’s not a 100% thing.” It gets quiet, MIL & SIL look smug.
MIL: So there’s still a chance you can get pregnant, you can NEVER be sure! Husband & I lock eyes. Party’s over.
Me: That is exactly what abortions are for.
Cue screaming and yelling, I’m an evil, cruel b**ch, what kind of monster, etc. His family are all supposedly pro-choice. Husband yells at them to GTFO, don’t talk to me like that. MIL gets up in his face and yells that I said I would kill her grandbabies, how could he stand to hear it.
Husband: And I would hold her f**king hand the entire time because it’s what BOTH of us would want. Party’s over. Cue FB shitstorm. MIL’s post tags us, says: “We were having a nice family get together and OP and Husband had bait us with purposely controversial statements. Every mom lives to see her babies have babies. Yesterday I was told that my cruel DIL would m**der my grandbabies if she got pregnant and my son would hold her hand while she did it.”
I do not feel like we’re assholes, even for how we handled the situation. There was no getting through to them without being direct and final. This isn’t the first time we tried to get them to drop the subject. However, other family members really think we are in the wrong and that I went over the line.. Reddit, we are the assholes here?
Here’s what Redditors had to say:
[Reddit User] − NTA. You both are probably going to have to block her and cut her out for a while. Life is too short for this kind of drama.
zebra-stampede − NTA at all; they started it. I also would’ve asked them why they’re so interested in your s** life lol. Long term though you may consider using the grey rock method with them which might have more sustainable results.
AreYouALavaBeaver − NTA. Kids aren’t for everyone and I hate the culture of pushing people to have them. People don’t realize that if those child free people are forced to have children they don’t want, terrible things happen (I’m not saying in every instance, but it does happen). Abuse, n**lect, maybe not criminal n**lect, but there is definitely the feeling of being unwanted.
Galethewizard − Nta, but you have an extremely wonderful husband.
StrikingDebate2 − NTA. Why can’t your mother in law accept that you two don’t want kids.
[Reddit User] − and SIL chimed in with “Come on, this is the perfect time to get started!” The perfect time to start working on a baby is when you’re quarantined because of a lethal pandemic with no end in sight? LOL okay.
Husband: And I would hold her f**king hand the entire time because it’s what BOTH of us would want.. Great job to the husband, wow 🏆 Anyway, NTA, they were salivating over the thought of you getting accidentally knocked up and they’re mad that you mention a**rtion? Literally the f**k do they expect.
becbec89 − NTA. That’s some r/JUSTNOMIL material right there. Your In laws actively and purposefully refused to respect your boundaries and reproductive choices.
NotZombieJustGinger − NTA they were boundary stomping and repeatedly asked to stop. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
MythLyth − NTA – and no not “every mom lives to see her babies have babies” i have 2 kids, both of whom are entry level adults, both of whom want to be childfree forever. I told them great! Don’t want them please don’t have them! If i get a “need to be a grandma” bug then my grandpets can get many toys and treats!
Trin_42 − NTA, I came off as a child-hater for years even tho I’ve been great at caring for kids for most of my life. I did it because I wanted people to leave us the hell alone about having them. 14yrs(12 in marriage)into our relationship we decided to have a child, she’ll be 1yo soon, it was just the right time for us and we’re happy.
HOWEVER, this s**t is no joke, it’s hard and frustrating and it is perfectly fine if you don’t ever want it. People outside of your marriage don’t get a say, you shot it down over and over and they wouldn’t let it go. They’re TA’s for that, you did good!
Was the couple justified in making a bold statement to end the persistent baby talk, or did they go too far? Should family members respect child-free choices without pushing their own hopes onto others? Let us know what you think — have you ever had to set firm boundaries with family?