AITA for not helping my son and his wife with my grandson?

A retired mother, who once helped her teen son raise his daughter, now faces a tough situation with her younger son. He and his wife want her to care for their 10-month-old baby while they work. The mother, now 59 and dealing with health issues, offered short-term help but declined long-term care.

Her son is upset, accusing her of favoritism because she helped his older brother in the past. She argues that the circumstances are entirely different and feels she’s being reasonable. Is she wrong for refusing to take on the responsibility? Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for not helping my son and his wife with my grandson?’

Necessary information: When my oldest son was 16 he got his girlfriend pregnant. After a lot of trouble they made all kinds of promisses and decided they would care for the baby, this led to the girl getting kicked out by her parents and she came to live with us. Except that when the baby was born, the girl broke up with my son and went back to her parent’s house leaving the baby with us.

That was when my husband and I stepped up to help him raise our granddaughter while our son finished his studies and got a job to provide for her. When she was 1 year old he put her on daycare because my husband and I still worked and there was only so much we could do at that point. Once he finished college he rented a place to live with her, the help we provided after that was when he needed to go somewhere and couldn’t take her with him or when one of them got sick.

Now, the issue at hand is not with him, it’s with his younger brother. He’s 35 and married, he and his wife had my grandson last year, he’s 10 months now. My daughter-in-law wants to go back to working and while she can do her work from home, she prefers to work outside. Since I’m retired, my son asked me to take care of my grandson while they work.

I asked him for how long he needed me to do it, to which my son replied that they didn’t had a plan for it. I asked if they had considered daycare and he said that neither he or his wife were comfortable with it. I also suggested they asked his wife’s parents and he said that they didn’t had time for it.

He thought of asking me because I had helped his brother all those years ago and it would “basically be the same thing”. I told him that no, it was not. I was 42 then and I’m 59 now, I didn’t had the health issues that I do nowadays like back pain and arthritis. Also, he was a married man with a wife by his side, not a 16 year old with a baby.

I would be willing to help them for a short period of time but it seems like they have no plans beyond leaving the baby with me. Now he thinks I’m playing favorites and that I’m pressuring him and his wife to comply with my demands but I think I’m just being reasonable.

Edit: While it is nice to know that I’m not the a**hole, my son has found the post and is now very mad at me for “shaming him and his wife on the internet”. I disagree as it was not my intent and I never disclosed any information that could be used to identify them both. He’s also very mad about being called an a**hole.

While he is my son, I find that he needs a wake up call since my conversation with him in private about the issue only made him behave like a spoiled child and his reaction to me looking for input as an anonymous person was to call and yell at me on the phone. I’ll let this post stay up and let this be a lesson to him.

See what others had to share with OP:

WebbieVanderquack −  NTA. Grandparents are not obliged to provide free daycare, and small kids are exhausting. Tell your son you love him, and you love his child, and if you were 42 again you’d be happy to help out, but at 59 it’s just too much.

96babyxo −  NTA. You gave your reasons. Conversation should have ended there. Bonus points because the wife CAN work from home if they absoloutley were against daycare, but choses not to.

And it’s poor of a grown man who is married, established in life and presumably planned to have this baby to compare himself to the situation of his then teenage brother, who was a single parent.

caseyrey −  NTA. Your son is a grown man with a child, not a 16 year old boy. Even your teenage son was able to provide childcare for his baby at a young age, and I would imagine at the time, a worse situation. Your grown son is mad he is being told “no”.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. Also, to your son: ” shaming him and his wife on the internet ” We don’t know who the f**k you are man. We don’t care. Your brother had the help of your parents to raise your niece because he NEEDED it. You just WANT it.

countrybumpkin1969 −  NTA. 59 is not 42. I can understand keeping your grandbaby occasionally. Every day though? Kill me now. Maybe offer one day a week. Millions of children attend/have attended daycare. He will be just fine.

cynical-mage −  NTA, your son and his wife are being rather entitled imo. What went on with your eldest was more a case of helping him help himself, so that he could gain independence and do right by his baby girl. Not at *all* like your other sons situation. They are grown, financially and relationship-wise stable. Ie they have options, security.

Jeanniewood −  NTA. You, helping to raise your own child while he raises his child, is one thing.. ​ You, helping to raise your grandchild because daddy and mommy can’t be bothered to figure it out, is another.

UniqueRooster −  NTA, it is definitely nowhere near the same situation and he definitely shouldn’t be upset you’re not interested in being a daycare for the foreseeable future.

teresajs −  NTA. You didn’t retire to work a full-time job for free. Tell them straight up that you would be willing to be their backup for days when the daycare is closed but aren’t able to be a full-time nanny.

_Obi-Wan_Shinobi_ −  At 35 with a family of his own, your son is too old for this ‘favorites’ b**lshit.

Is the mother being fair, or is her son right to feel hurt by her refusal? Should grandparents be expected to help raise their grandchildren, or does each situation need to be assessed individually? Share your thoughts — we’d love to hear your take on this family dilemma!