My (57M) daughter (32F) is refusing to speak to me because I went on a trip while she’s struggling financially.

A father shares his dilemma after his oldest daughter, Sarah (32F), stopped speaking to him over a family trip. Despite struggling financially and having received past financial support from him, Sarah became upset upon learning he went on a trip paid for by his wealthy stepdaughter, Annie (28F). Sarah feels hurt, believing he is favoring his stepdaughters over her and questioning his claims about financial difficulties. Now, he’s seeking advice on how to mend the relationship and help his daughter understand the situation. Read the full story below for more details.

‘ My (57M) daughter (32F) is refusing to speak to me because I went on a trip while she’s struggling financially.’

I have four daughters – two biological (“Sarah” 32F & “Suzie” 30F) and two stepdaughters (“Amy” 31F & “Annie” 28F). My oldest daughter and youngest stepdaughter don’t really like each other anymore. They’re barely civil, and they completely ignore each other unless they’re forced to interact.

Sarah is struggling financially. It’s partly due to the pandemic but mostly due to her husband and his lack of work ethic or financial sense. He spends money faster than they earn it and we’ve bailed them out multiple times already. The pandemic has hit me hard financially so I’m no longer in a position to help them. On the other hand, Annie is married to a wealthy man and has generously been helping everyone (excluding Sarah) financially for the past year.

Annie invited my wife and me to join her family at her in-law’s holiday home. She offered to cover all of our expenses and my wife missed her a lot, so we agreed to go. We didn’t really think about how it would make Sarah feel. Sarah found out about the trip and is now furious at me. She thinks I’m lying about not having money to help her and doesn’t believe Annie would pay for it. She is refusing to speak to me and has told Suzie she feels like I replaced them with my stepdaughters.

I would really like to fix this, but she continues to ignore any attempt by me to get into contact with her. TL;DR – I went on a trip to visit my stepdaughter, she covered all of our expenses but my oldest daughter, who is struggling financially, doesn’t believe me and is now refusing to speak to me.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Manners2210 −  A 32 year old married woman has her priorities all wrong. Even if you did pay for that trip…she’s too old to feel so entitled to daddy’s money. She needs home truths about being a grown up, solving your own problems and being responsible for yourself more than anything else. Yes it’s nice to help where possible, but her and her husband can’t be expecting you to not live your life just because they’re struggling.

throwawayohyesitis −  My first thought when reading your title was “she needs to get over it. It’s your money.” But reading the post, it wasn’t even your money, it was a gift. You are free to accept gifts as you wish. And your daughter needs to get over it anyway.

helendestroy −  We didn’t really think about how it would make Sarah feel.. Why would you? Stop trying to fix it and focus on the daughters who aren’t being daft. Leave the door open, but stop chasing her.

Naughtyexperiences −  She is 32yos but has the mentality of a 12yo. Leave her be. She will grow up and get over it.

[Reddit User] −  I don’t think this is really about the money. I think that it’s mostly jealousy towards Amy.

littlestray −  Sounds like Sarah doesn’t want to wake up and acknowledge the actual source of her financial woes, so she’s displacing her frustrations onto you. It also sounds like you’re a wonderful father. I don’t have advice because I’m also struggling with a beloved family member who doesn’t want to see the person she’s with for the shithead he is, but I wanted to provide validation. Unfortunately it might be a case of you did nothing wrong, so there’s nothing you can do to fix it. You might just have to leave your figurative door open until she unlocks hers.

Lordica −  You’ve done nothing wrong. Your job, as a parent, is to raise your children to adulthood. It’s kind and loving that you continue to support her but it’s not a requirement that you give up all joy and fun so that she can have everything you produce. You are not The Giving Tree. Your daughter is sadly entitled and is not appreciating the help she is getting. Grownups make their choices and live with the consequences.

If your daughter needs more money, she needs to take steps to address that which doesn’t consist of expecting you to open your wallet. You’re allowed to go on a first-class grand world tour if that’s what you want. Set those boundaries and recognize that they are helping your daughter, not hurting her. She’s not entitled to your money or her sister’s money. Giving her more is just making her worse.

Bunzees −  I understand the comments talking about how she shouldn’t feel entitled to your money and all that and that’s fair. I personally wouldn’t feel comfortable repeating asking a relative for financial help like she did. but I think we need to keep in mind that her feelings are probably amplified by the stress from her financial situation and the pandemic.

How much is she actually struggling? If I was two months away from getting evicted, my dad tells me he can’t help but then he goes on a trip, I think I’d be initially surprised and upset. Especially if I feel I’ve been lied to by my own dad. She should believe you after that though.

It might also be hard for her to stand up to her husband. I know my mom has a really hard time standing up to my stepdad who’s really irresponsible with his spending, but he makes more than her and he’s got a terrible temper so that’s the end of that, apparently.
In the end , if she doesn’t calm down in the next few weeks, it might take until sarah’s finances get better before things can be mended. I hope things work out for you, op.

Stranger0nReddit −  Yikes. Sarah is in her thirties and should know better than to expect *anyone* to financially support her. You’ve already bailed her out multiple times, so for her to have an expectation that you would just give her any excess money you had is incredibly immature and entitled. She and her husband need to fix their spending/financial issues on their own, without just continuing to rely on others to bail them out over and over again. If I were you I would give her some time and space. Hopefully she will come around and realize that this is not about “replacing” her.

caused_a_sparky −  Sarah’s husband is pulling her down with him. She is in denial about how bad he is and is taking her frustration at her life situation at you and Annie instead of at where she should: at her husband. Try being more empathetic with Sarah while also drawing boundaries and giving tough love. “Sarah, I know your situation is not the best right now.

You know I love you and would do all I could if it would fix your problems. But you know I can’t. Even Annie couldn’t if she wanted to. You need more than money to fix this. If you want to talk about it, I’d be happy to lend an ear. But if you’re going to keep blaming other people for your problems at home, how am I supposed to listen to you?”