My (32F) Fiance (34M) walked in on my therapy session, overheard, and is perhaps upset.

A Redditor shares an awkward and emotional situation after her fiancé unexpectedly walked in during her virtual therapy session. While she was venting about deeply personal issues unrelated to him, he may have overheard her discussing past trauma and abuse. His quiet exit and lack of response to her text have left her worried that she might have upset him. She’s now seeking advice on how to handle the situation and navigate the conversation with her fiancé. Read the full story below to understand the context better.

‘ My (32F) Fiance (34M) walked in on my therapy session, overheard, and is perhaps upset.’

Backstory: I (32F) have been with fiance (34M) for several years. I’ve been in therapy since 21. I am admittedly a “work in progress” as I always will be, though I would like to think that I try as hard as I can and have developed some strategies to utilizes when things seem to be spiraling. This has allowed me to have a stable home life, relationship turned engagement, and I’ve always been able to hold down a decent job.

My fiance does not have mental health issues, but often acknowledges that he wishes he was in therapy to deal with how he handles frustration and crisis situations. He has insurance, but can’t seem to find the time to make an appointment for himself. He respects and is proud of me for going to therapy myself and when I become extremely anxious about situations (even about things related to our communication) he encourages me to talk about it (but not in a diminishing or g**lighting way).

Prior to COVID, I (like most others) went to see a therapist in-person. Now it happens virtually, and I actually find it more effective for some reason. When I talk about really difficult subjects I’m processing, I tend to raise my voice and cry. Fiance and I live in a small apartment and it has happened so far that he has been out of the house during my sessions, so this issue hasn’t yet come up.

Today, fiance unexpectedly came home for lunch in the middle of a session. I knew that he’d come back at some point but wasn’t sure exactly when. While on the phone w therapist, I was pretty viscerally upset and going off about some deeply-rooted, abuse related issues about family and ex. Fiance got home and walked towards my room to say hi and opened the door.

He walked on me me speaking about something in abstract, and quickly left the room. He went into the living room and put on a podcast, maybe in an effort for me not to be worried that he was eavesdropping. So I figured he wasnt listening and continued to vent (about past resentment). Then But then I heard some shuffling outside my door in the hallway and when he coughed accidentally, it made clear how close he was. It was a super awkward situation all around and I’m not sure how I should have handled it.

He then left the apartment and I’m not sure if I upset him. I’m also wondering if I messed up by not warning him in the morning that I would be in an appointment later. I had a million other work related things to do today on the forefront of my mind. I texted him that I’m sorry I missed him, and no response for an hour. If I did in fact upset him, not sure how/if to apologize, so any advice would be appreciated. Tldr; fiance came home unexpectedly, most likely overheard me venting about serious issues unrelated to him, left abruptly and I’m afraid I upset him.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Cocoasneeze −  Why do you think you may have upset him? Your fiance knows you’ve went to therapy for years, regularly. He obviously realised you were in a session when he walked in. I don’t think you did anything you need to apologize for, or anything that would’ve hurt your fiance.

ThrowawayAnxious444 −  UPDATE: So as many of you speculated, I was being overly anxious. I didn’t hear from fiance for awhile, but it turned out that he was busy. After coming home, everything seemed to be fine. He then asked how my day was, and I just blurted out what I outlined in the OP. I told him that when he got home I was in the middle of a therapist appointment.

He said he figured that out pretty quickly after he first saw me, left the room and put on the podcast while making lunch in hopes that I wouldn’t feel self conscious for the rest of the appt. I mentioned that I heard him in close proximity the room at one point and felt a little anxious that he may have heard something that upset him. He said that he did go to the bathroom (closer to the room I was in) and that he could hear me, but any words were inaudible.

The bottom line is that he wasn’t upset, if anything, a momentary tinge of awkwardness. He said that he feels positive that I care enough about myself to try to work things out in therapy. From now on, he knows when my appointments are so will try to make himself scarce during these 40 minutes for my own peace of mind.

One thing I do want to address is that I have not been seeing one therapist for 10 years. In fact, I’ve seen a few, due to relocation, changes in employment/insurance coverage, and in one case it was a bad fit. It’s not uncommon for people to change primary care doctors over the course of a decade and this isn’t much different. As to why I posted on Reddit afterward: I was curious about what people thought. It’s not abnormal to want insight from people in a non-professional setting.

As far as therapy not working because I’ve been going for a decade, and those who think my talking about ex means I’m not over him: the damage incurred by PTSD (in my case via physical/emotional)v abuse is something that will never be entirely “fixable” and I don’t really know what to say to anyone who tries to argue otherwise.

coffee-jnky −  If it were me, I may have coughed on purpose so that you knew I’d be walking near the room in case you wanted to keep what you’re saying private from me. That was my first thought since he also turned on the podcast, possibly to assure you that he wasn’t overhearing you. Definitely speak to him about it when he comes home though, and I hope whatever he has to say will ease your mind.

mrbuddhawannabe −  Being with someone for several years and your 30s I would hope you two have worked out a way to communicate with compassion and understanding. If not then I would suggest that you two take a couple of classes or have a couple of sessions around that skill.

JollyMonitor −  I’m exactly the same in therapy. I think it’s normal and absolutely nothing to apologize for. Try not to jump to a conclusion about how your boyfriend felt or why he was acting that way. It sounds like you generally communicate well so just talk it through and figure out what happened.

yirna −  Sounds to me like he tried to give you your privacy after he realized you were on a call, realized that the podcast wasn’t cutting it, and left to make sure you had your space. Is the bathroom on the same hallway as where you were doing your call? He wasn’t necessarily listening in, he might have just been walking by. My advice is to not wind yourself up about this and talk to him when he gets home. It doesn’t need to be a big deal conversation. There’s every chance he was just trying to be considerate.

kamikasei −  He went into the living room and put on a podcast, maybe in an effort for me not to be worried that he was eavesdropping… But then I heard some shuffling outside my door in the hallway and when he coughed accidentally, it made clear how close he was.
So, uh… that kind of sounds like he *was* eavesdropping? He made it seem he was listening to something in the living room and couldn’t hear you, then came to stand outside your door and you only knew he was there because he “coughed accidentally”?

mal2 −  Is it possible that he came to the door to say goodbye before heading back to work, heard you were still with your therapist, and decided to head out without interrupting? I know I’ve done that before. Not really eavesdropping, just hesitating before knocking or barging in on someone, then realizing that they’re busy, so deciding not to interrupt. On the other hand, if he was deliberately listening in on your therapy, that’s deeply u**outh so I hope he wasn’t doing that.

Obviously, the best way to know what he overheard and how he feels is to talk to him, and to maybe offer some sort of context if he happened to accidentally overhear something that needs that background.

[Reddit User] −  this sounds like your anxiety more than anything, but you should communicate.

DFahnz −  Why not talk to him about this instead of reddit?