AITA for ‘forcing’ my son to wait to marry his then high-school girlfriend?

A Reddit user shares her story of advising her son to delay marriage to his high school girlfriend in favor of pursuing college. Years later, the couple got engaged, but tensions arose when the fiancée accused the mom of trying to ruin their relationship. Now, the son is caught between his ambitions and his partner’s expectations. Read the full story below to see how this family drama unfolds.

‘ AITA for ‘forcing’ my son to wait to marry his then high-school girlfriend?’

I (f50s) have 2 sons, Dan (m22) and Sam (m27). Dan started dating ‘Fran’ in their junior year. Towards the end of senior year, Dan came to me and said he wanted to marry Fran. At the time, Dan had multiple college options which he was going to decline to stay in our town and marry Fran.

I obviously didn’t support this, I wanted my son to go to college and knew he wanted that too as he’d always been ambitious. I told my son that he had his whole life ahead of him and he could get married later, but didn’t need to rush it. I told him that if he went to college and waited, even just a year or two, I’d pay for his tuition.

At the time I didn’t know how serious their relationship was as they’d been together for a little over a year, and was scared it wouldn’t work out and he’d waste this opportunity. My son happily accepted this offer and agreed with me that it would be best to wait.

This year my son graduated college but maintained a long distance relationship with Fran, and they announced their engagement a couple months ago. We were all ecstatic about it. Sometime between then and now, my son told Fran that I was the reason he waited until now to propose.

I wasn’t aware until Christmas when during dinner, Fran said she wanted to say something. She began saying I paid my son to not married her and actively tried to ruin their relationship. She then said she was blessed that ‘evil hadn’t won’ and couldn’t wait to have a long and happy marriage. Everyone was silent and didn’t really know what to say.

My son approached me later to apologise and said she had twisted his words but it’s been constantly weighing on my mind as friends and family present all have different opinions.. ​.

**Edit** If my son had married Fran out of high school, he wouldn’t of gone to college. My son chose to go to a school so far away, there were closer options but he liked the school he chose. I will be showing Dan this thread and update if he responds. Fran currently works at her mothers bakery. She wants to be a SAHM once they get married and was waiting for Dan to come back home..

**Update** Dan and Fran have talked and cleared the air around this situation. Fran feels awful about what she said and realised she should’ve come and talked to me privately. This situation however has brought up other issues between the two and their future, as Dan expressed the Fran he would like to go to law school.

Fran wants them to start their life together and thinks it’s unfair for Dan to make them wait for 4+ years. Dan is currently home and we will be dealing with this together. Thank you for all the advice, Dan has read this thread and is now feeling unsure about their relationship.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

ArwenandEowyn −  NTA. And your son should seriously rethink this relationship. Fran doesn’t sound very nice.

sour_lemons −  NTA, what Fran did was extremely inappropriate and a huge red flag. If I were your son, I’d be very cautious now with marrying her. What you did was the right thing. We’ve all been there at 18 and in love and willing to give up our whole futures for “the one”, but statistically those relationships never work out and 18 year olds tend to have very naive view of the world.

You simply wanted what’s best for your son, which is to continue on to college and be set up with the best future ahead for his life. You didn’t ask him to break up with Fran, and if she truly loved him and cared for him, she would understand why this was the right thing to do.

Not only did she twist your wanting the best for your son as “evil”, she’s also pitted herself against you as someone who does not support their relationship which is not true. If they continue with the relationship, I can see Fran causing a lot more drama between your son and his family.

Old-Poet6587 −  NTA. You only wanted what was best for your son, and given how ‘Fran’ is acting with a few more years of maturity, I can’t fault you for having reservations about him rushing into marriage with her.

It honestly sounds like she thrives on dramatics, and her use of hyperbolic language suggests to me that her assessment that she’s going to have a long and happy marriage is a little presumptuous.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. The fact that your son didn’t clear the air when she announced that shows what your future will be like with your DIL. You are now going to be known as the evil MIL and your grandchildren will most likely know you for that too. You advised him to go on a certain path so he could ensure his future is set with his partner, you didn’t tell him to separate with her.

I don’t see a part anywhere here where you actively tried to ruin their relationship unless you omitted something where you attempted to have them separate while they were long distance. You need to ensure your son clears this up ASAP or get ready to be the evil MIL.

dancing_chinese_kid −  NTA. She began saying I paid my son to not married her and actively tried to ruin their relationship. She then said she was blessed that ‘evil hadn’t won’ and couldn’t wait to have a long and happy marriage. She said all this in front of her fiancee’s family during Christmas dinner?. Yikes.

Ok-Cauliflower-1388 −  NTA. You offered Dan a choice. Remain a dependent and what that entails or become an independent married man. He CHOSE. He’s not taking accountability for his choice. Your future DIL has no class or manners. If she had a grievance, she would have brought forward her issue as an adult, in private.

She was a guest in your home and showed a considerable lack of respect for you. Print this off and share it with your son when you tell him that it’s best you have minimal contact until she offers an apology.

Anxiousindating −  NTA – and honestly if she loved and wanted the best for your son she would have wanted him to go to college and have you pay for it so he’s not in student loan debt.

scininja99 −  INFO: What has Fran done during this time? Does she have a skill set for a career she is happy in (trade or degree)? Or did she just stay in the town and not move on from the high school (drama filled) scene?

Yellobrix −  NTA. In the future, be prepared to wear an attitude like “you’re welcome” if she brings it up again. Reply as if she is expressing gratitude for the fact that you gave her an educated man to marry instead of a boy fresh out of high school.

[Reddit User] −  NTA. “Blessed that evil hadn’t won”? Calling her a d**ma queen would be too kind.

Do you think the mother’s advice was reasonable, considering her son’s future goals, or do you agree with Fran that it was unfair interference in their relationship? How would you balance love and personal ambition in such a situation? Share your thoughts below!