AITA for asking my wife to have an a**rtion?

A Redditor and his wife, both child-free by choice, face an unexpected pregnancy that causes a significant conflict. Despite agreeing on abortion before marriage, the wife now feels emotionally attached to the pregnancy and proposes an open adoption, while the husband struggles with the idea of having biological children. When he asks if she would consider an abortion, tensions rise, leaving him wondering if he’s in the wrong. Read the full story below for all the details of this emotional dilemma.

‘ AITA for asking my wife to have an a**rtion?’

My wife and I (both mid 30s) have been happily married for nine years. We don’t have any kids and don’t want kids. We had the “what if” talk before getting married; she told me she would want to have an a**rtion if she ever got pregnant.

Yesterday my wife told me she’s nine weeks pregnant. She’s on the pill, but accidents happen. She said she wants to carry to term and give the baby up for adoption. Naturally, I was surprised by the news and her change of mind. I asked her if she considered getting an a**rtion. She said she had, but she doesn’t want to because she feels a bond to the fetus.

She told me she has been researching adoption and learned that the local adoption agencies only accept birth mothers who are okay with having an open adoption. I told her I wasn’t really comfortable with this and asked her if she would have an a**rtion. She started crying and spent the night at her sister’s place. She wont answer my phone calls.

I’m uncomfortable with this for a few reasons. I was adopted a birth and my adoptive parents weren’t the best. I know this isn’t the case for everyone who was adopted, but I can’t help but have a negative view about it. A few years ago I tried to find my biological parents to learn my medical history, but I couldn’t. I was sore about it for a little while, but it doesn’t bother me anymore. My wife is aware of these points.

I just don’t want to pass on my genes because they’re essentially a mystery to me. I also don’t like kids. My wife said she actually would prefer to keep the baby, but she knows I wouldn’t want to; so she said having an open adoption sounded like a reasonable compromise.

I understand why she thinks that, but I still don’t want to have any biological children, regardless of how much/little I would be involved in raising him or her. AITA for asking my wife to have an a**rtion?

Edit: my wife takes birth control for reasons other than contraception. If she ever wanted to stop taking it, I would support her 100%. I realize that I’m an i**ot for not getting a vasectomy a long time ago though. It honestly never occurred to me until now (I think because my wife has always been on birth control and said she would have an a**rtion). I see now that it was irresponsible of me to not get one regardless. I’m going to get snipped ASAP.

Edit #2: She and I talked; it was emotional for both of us, but no voices were raised. Here are the main takeaways:

* I apologized for putting her in this position by being an i**ot and not getting a vasectomy earlier. I also apologized if she felt like I was pressuring her when I asked her to have an a**rtion. I didn’t mean to pressure her, but I know words aren’t always received as we intended. She said she felt pressured a little, but forgave me because she knows I was totally caught off guard.

* She apologized for having a change of heart regarding a**rtion. She said she was really surprised by her own feelings and hopes I don’t feel like she tricked me (I don’t).

* We mutually agreed that it would be good to spend one more night apart to really think. We’ve always have a strong marriage, and we’re both committed to working through this – whatever that may look like.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

InAHandbasket −  NAH. You aren’t TA for asking to stick with the plan. She’s not TA for having a change of heart when faced with the reality of going through with it.

havartna −  NAH for asking. You would be the a**hole if you insisted (or just kept asking.). A couple of things, though: I’ll bet your wife isn’t done changing her mind. She may be thinking adoption now, but if she’s already bonding at nine weeks it’s likely that she will eventual decide to keep the baby. You are ABSOLUTELY on the hook for financial support of the child no matter what, but you’ll have some tough decisions to make about continuing the marriage under those circumstances.

Lastly, you are the a**hole for not having a vasectomy. If not having a child is that important to you, have the snip and be done with it. You could have prevented this entire situation with a relatively simple and safe medical procedure and simultaneously removed the burden of taking hormonal birth control from your wife.

Flashzap90 −  YTA. If you were this absolutely dead set on never fathering a child, you should have gotten a vasectomy. When you get pregnant, you feel differently than you do when it’s just a hypothetical. Either leave her and let her keep her baby, or let her put it up for adoption.

Edit so I don’t have to keep repeating myself: As to whether she should have gotten her tubes tied, yes she could have tried. This isn’t some ThE MaN sUcKs post. The problem is that doctors are much more hesitant to perform a tubal on a woman, especially a woman with no children, than they are on a man. I’m speaking from great personal experience with this.

Tubal ligation is a much more invasive procedure with greater risks, and is a lawsuit mine field for doctors, and they just are not very ready to perform them. If she was childfree in mindset, yes she should have tried. But that doesn’t free OP from protecting his own interests.

In the end, no one is responsible for you but you, and he should have done his own due diligence if he felt very strongly about the matter. Yes he could have changed his mind, and no the reversal procedure isn’t guaranteed to work, but given that his feelings in the matter haven’t changed thus far, that seems irrelevant here.

My ruling is based off the fact that he isn’t seemingly very willing to meet her in the middle. She esnts to krrp the baby, but is willing (if shes to be taken at her word) to put the baby up for adoption. He’s not willing to come to that compromise.

Also, yes I know that he asked her once if she considered it, and then asked her once more to consider it once she said she wasn’t willing. It comes down to your opinion if that counts as asking once or twice, but in my mind that constitutes twice. When she said she wasn’t considering it, and he asked her to consider it because he didnt like the idea of adopting the baby out, he was openly asking her to do something she had already voiced an opinion against. It should have been a dead issues once she said she wouldn’t consider it.

snugglesmacks −  NAH. You’re not an a**hole for asking, especially since this was what was agreed upon from the beginning. And had the question been about almost anything else, I would say she’s the a**hole for going back on the agreement.

But even for someone like me who is staunchly pro choice and never wants kids, actually going through an a**rtion myself would feel a little bit like m**der. This is 100% her decision. She is the one who will have to live with the emotional and physical impact of this decision. So you’re definitely not an a**hole for asking, but you’ve made your feelings clear and now you need to support her in whatever decision she makes.

It’s a fucked up situation, especially if you have to watch your wife go through a full pregnancy, feel the baby kick, see the ultrasounds, watch family and friends and strangers congratulate you and your even give you gifts, knowing that you won’t be keeping the baby. It’s going to be hard, but know that it will be much harder on your wife than on you.

She’s admitted that she’s already attached to this little life you’ve created together, and she’s giving it up for you, and I think that says something about how much she values and you. Think about that before you give her a hard time.

AquaticMoomin −  You’re not the a**hole for asking (as long as you don’t push and understand that the final decision is hers), but YTA for knowing that you never want to be a parent and still not getting a vasectomy. Hormonal birth control can be hell an earth, it’s pretty bad for the health in general, and as you just discovered- can be faulty. She will take responsibility for the kid growing in her, take responsibility for yourself and get that operation.

Curiousdragon −  YTA-I say this, because if you didn’t want biological children, you should have had a vasectomy.

Lozzif −  NAH. You’re not wrong for asking. And she’s not wrong for saying no. Tho if she’s stating she’s bonded to the fetus there’s a good chance she might decide to not adopt. I think couples counselling is going to be helpful.

[Reddit User] −  NAH. Please remember that the final decision to either carry the baby to term or terminate the pregnancy is your wife’s. She can solicit your feedback but the final decision is her’s. The pregnancy was accidental.

Now that she’s pregnant, your wife is changing her mind about carrying a baby to term. This is not unusual. You need to respect that. She didn’t set out to get pregnant, it just happened. Terminating the pregnancy may result in some trauma for her that will change her as a person and her relationship with you. Are you prepared for the fallout associated with an a**rtion? Your position is fairly clear and justified.

GumEbears −  NAH. These YTA comments boggle my mind. You guys had a plan you both agreed on. She even stated she would have an a**rtion if she fell pregnant. Now your faced with the exact situation you both agreed on and YTA for simply asking her to do exactly what she stated she would do? What is the point of even communicating and talking about these things before marriage if it means nothing later?

You did nothing wrong for asking and expressing your concerns. You WOULD BE a major YTA if you pressure, coerce, or force a**rtion because it is her body, her choice. Your wife is now experiencing a lot of hormones, feelings and changes with pregnancy.

You will need to handle this delicately when she calms down and hopefully both of you can have a rational discussion about the future. She is giving you a compromise with adoption, which is very noble. She is willing to undergo extreme physical and mental stress in order to give someone else a chance at being a parent.

My only advice is to be calm and supportive of each other and perhaps seek counseling for both of you to process your emotions. How you handle this going FORWARD will truly determine if YTA or NTA.

sabre_skills −  YTA. You should have had a vasectomy years ago instead of relying on her taking oral contraceptives.

Do you think the husband’s request was out of line, given their previous agreement, or do you believe that situations like this can change perspectives? How would you handle a sudden change of heart in a long-standing agreement with your partner? Share your thoughts below!