AITA for telling my wife I wont/can’t watch our son?

A Reddit user shares his struggle with balancing work-from-home duties and family responsibilities. Despite working long hours to support his household, he faces tension with his wife, who expects him to take on more childcare. When he tells her he can’t watch their son on short notice due to work, she becomes upset, leading him to question whether he’s in the wrong. Read the original story below to see the full details of their disagreement.

‘ AITA for telling my wife I wont/can’t watch our son?’

I have a good job, I make good money and I work hard enough to earn it. To the point that about 4 years ago after our son was born when my wife decided not to go back to work I became the only source of income.

This worked out well and everyone was happy until COVID hit. Once the pandemic started causing shut downs my role was transitioned from in an office downtown to working from home. I was a big fan of this.

I work 5am to 7pm Mon to Sat typically so not having to commute meant that now I got to be home to put my son to bed and read to him at night and have more time to spend with my wife in the evenings. The only problem is that my wife has struggled with the idea that the location of my job has changed but my responsibilities have not.

I’ve had several discussions with her about the fact that even though I’m home now I’m not able to watch our son during the day, or explaining why I can’t get to the dishes till that evening. She will nod along to but I don’t think she really believes it. This has caused tension but not an outright fight until this week.

Some of our mutual friends are coming into town this weekend and we had made plans to spend time with them. However, on Monday my wife informs me that the couple is actually getting in Friday and she and her friend are going to get lunch and go shopping. She tells me that I will need to watch our son.

I respond by saying again that I can’t, I have work and Monday to Friday is not enough heads up for me to take a day off. She gets angry at me saying she watches our son everyday while I just “sit in my office from sun up to sun down” and how I should be able to watch our son so she can have a day off. She’s given me the cold shoulder since then. I would love to spend the day with my son I just can’t take the time off on such short notice. AITA?

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

deckard_taverner −  NTA but working 14-hour days six days a week is simply not sustainable for ANY family or marriage.

Lindsiria −  ESH. Your wife is an a**hole for expecting you to take time off rather last minute. You are an a**hole because you are putting all of the child rearing on her even if she is a SAHM. This boy is still your son. You working 14 hour days, 6 days a week is freaking ridiculous. Very few relationships can even last with work hours like this.

If I am correct, you are a PM in a tech company. If this is the case, you are salary. You aren’t getting paid more to work overtime. It really makes me wonder if you are dicking around your computer most the day, which leads to these hours.

That or you work at a s**tty company. While overtime is common in the tech industry, 80 hour plus weeks are not. Even the people I know making 200k a year in tech average 50 or so hour weeks. Something isn’t right with this. You really need to start focusing on your family or else you won’t have them anymore.

stillpacing −  Yta. Not specificially because of this moment, but this whole situation. You work from 5am to 7pm everyday? She is also working from 5am to 7pm taking care of the house and child without help. And hasnt had a Saturday without your child for 4 YEARS?

In the moment, she could probably have handled things better, but that kind of work schedule is going to kill your marriage. This is a see the forest through the trees moment. She wants one day with a friend, and some help around the house.

If that can’t be managed, if you can’t afford to either take time off to help, or hire someone to do it, then what’s the point of you working so many hours? What does your bread winning get if she is chained to the house and your kid for 84 hours a week?

She has been the only caregiver of your child for 6 out of 7 days for 4 years. If the two of you split, she’d be looking at at least 2-3 days to herself a week. But she has chosen to stay with you for four years despite basically being a single parent. She wants one day. Figure it out.

Kufat −  I work 5am to 7pm Mon to Sat. Why would you choose to live like that? I’ve been a programmer in industry for over a decade and I can count the number of 12 hour days I’ve worked on one hand.

I think I can guess who you work for (Seattle’s a hint) and I can tell you that most of the rest of the industry isn’t nearly as bad. If you’ve got experience it’s not hard to find a job making 150-250k with a 40-45 hour work week.

Edit: Almost forgot. YTA. Get a job that only requires you to work half as much.

RNwashington −  It’s sounds like she barely has a husband with those hours. That might be the actual issue.

AnalyzeThis5000 −  INFO—OP, have you ever taken care of your son for an entire day so your wife could do other things? Do you know what functional single parenting looks like? I’m curious because men who say their wives “don’t work, they stay at home with the kids” are frequently unaware that their wife absolutely works—wearing the hats of childcare, housework, feeding and cleaning all at the same time. Perhaps I’m mistaken, if you are in fact providing for someone (who isn’t your wife) to do daily childcare, a maid, a cook and a personal assistant.

cookiemixers −  Dude. Take a day off.

MikkiTh −  YTA Not a huge one, but a workaholic one for sure. It sounds like your wife has been providing all the childcare, most of the housework and never gets a day off sans kid. Your failure to create any work/life balance is impacting your marriage and at this rate she’ll go back to work and be the single parent you’ve functionally made her.

FistWithHair −  YTA – 5am to 7pm? Dude, what are you doing? Your wife is basically a single parent. I get you earn the money but you seem to be ignoring your parental responsibilities. Start pulling your weight at home!

funtime_snack −  Honestly YTA. I have a demanding job where I’m on calls pretty much all day. I’m currently solely responsible for the care of my 3 children including an infant. It’s frankly absurd to me that you can’t figure out how to work and monitor a four year-old for a few hours.

I have a four year-old and when Mommy is on a call, he knows to be quieter, and when Mommy is working on a project, well, sometimes Mommy gets interrupted. This reminds me vividly of that NYT article about how working mothers got shafted in the childcare department during covid shutdowns.

Do you think the husband’s response was justified, given his demanding work schedule, or should he have prioritized supporting his wife’s social plans? How do you think couples can better manage the blurred lines between work and home life? Share your thoughts below!